nevermind...i was typing - almost done - and my 4 y/o came in and pushed the delete button. it's all gone. sigh. don't have it in me to retype right now.
raw mommyhood.
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
H(cr)appy Christmas Eve Eve
I had high hopes of a beautiful evening. The "Christmas at Belmont" special, hosted by Trisha Yearwood (one of my fave singers), was on PBS at 7, and I had whipped up a yummy pasta dish for supper at the last minute. The hubby has been working late the past few nights trying to wrap up a project before Christmas. But I planned for the kids and I to get the house cleaned after supper, then I would cook up a batch of cookies and we'd watch the TV special together. WRONG. Wrong, wrong, wrong.
The house cleaning had its moments of triumph. The older 2 really pitched in and the oldest did a thorough bathroom cleaning all by herself. She really is amazing! After I had washed the dinner dishes, I found out that the sponge she used to clean the bathroom had been put...in...the...sink. SO. I tried to have a cheery attitude, but I failed, and I had to redo all the dishes I had just attacked with a fury.
By the time the special was airing, the kids were watching it while I was on cookie duty, except they were laughing and making fun of the choral singers, the male ballet dancers, etc. Not that I blame them a whole lot, but it just wasn't the time and place to be doing that. (you know, in the safety and comfort of our home.uh...) but anyways, it was bedtime and a privilege for them to stay up, so one by one, I sent rowdy kid after rowdy kid to bed, cookie-less and loudly protesting. So much for hearing the TV show. I tried. I tried to block out the screaming and thrashing and complaining and questioning. My eldest remained on the couch, wanting to snuggle. Sigh. I tried not to reject her - tried to explain that Mommy was in a really cranky mood and that I really didn't want to snuggle, but that I loved her and maybe she could come just sit next to me quietly. Yeah. I know. But that's what I said.
After the special (after a few cookies and spoons full of cookie dough), this same daughter sighed and said "Maybe tomorrow, you'll be a better mommy!" as she slinked off to bed. And I retorted loudly that I WAS a good mommy today and that I needed time to NOT be a mommy before I went to sleep tonight.
Let me just add that we had a good day together, all of us. In fact, the past 3 days haven't been awful, and maybe even a bit pleasant. (Having the big kids home from school all day AND not having Jeremy around in the evening.) But tonight, tonight, I just didn't hold together well at all. I'm a little ashamed. I still loved on them. I alternated barking and loving, and my 2 year old is still yelling for me to come cover her up, even though she's perfectly capable of doing it herself. I've already had to discipline her twice tonight, and to be honest, I don't have it in me to go do it again. So I'm just pretending I don't hear her. Nevermind that she's keeping everyone else from falling asleep.
Anyone have a stiff drink? Or at least a stiff latte? Here's a book title I came up with once..."My Kids Drove Me to Drinking".
Alright...signing off...Jim Brickman's Christmas CD is on, all lights but the tree are off, and I'm hoping to get some true quiet time to just contemplate all the ways I failed today as a mother. KIDDING!
...kind of. :)
The house cleaning had its moments of triumph. The older 2 really pitched in and the oldest did a thorough bathroom cleaning all by herself. She really is amazing! After I had washed the dinner dishes, I found out that the sponge she used to clean the bathroom had been put...in...the...sink. SO. I tried to have a cheery attitude, but I failed, and I had to redo all the dishes I had just attacked with a fury.
By the time the special was airing, the kids were watching it while I was on cookie duty, except they were laughing and making fun of the choral singers, the male ballet dancers, etc. Not that I blame them a whole lot, but it just wasn't the time and place to be doing that. (you know, in the safety and comfort of our home.uh...) but anyways, it was bedtime and a privilege for them to stay up, so one by one, I sent rowdy kid after rowdy kid to bed, cookie-less and loudly protesting. So much for hearing the TV show. I tried. I tried to block out the screaming and thrashing and complaining and questioning. My eldest remained on the couch, wanting to snuggle. Sigh. I tried not to reject her - tried to explain that Mommy was in a really cranky mood and that I really didn't want to snuggle, but that I loved her and maybe she could come just sit next to me quietly. Yeah. I know. But that's what I said.
After the special (after a few cookies and spoons full of cookie dough), this same daughter sighed and said "Maybe tomorrow, you'll be a better mommy!" as she slinked off to bed. And I retorted loudly that I WAS a good mommy today and that I needed time to NOT be a mommy before I went to sleep tonight.
Let me just add that we had a good day together, all of us. In fact, the past 3 days haven't been awful, and maybe even a bit pleasant. (Having the big kids home from school all day AND not having Jeremy around in the evening.) But tonight, tonight, I just didn't hold together well at all. I'm a little ashamed. I still loved on them. I alternated barking and loving, and my 2 year old is still yelling for me to come cover her up, even though she's perfectly capable of doing it herself. I've already had to discipline her twice tonight, and to be honest, I don't have it in me to go do it again. So I'm just pretending I don't hear her. Nevermind that she's keeping everyone else from falling asleep.
Anyone have a stiff drink? Or at least a stiff latte? Here's a book title I came up with once..."My Kids Drove Me to Drinking".
Alright...signing off...Jim Brickman's Christmas CD is on, all lights but the tree are off, and I'm hoping to get some true quiet time to just contemplate all the ways I failed today as a mother. KIDDING!
...kind of. :)
Friday, December 18, 2009
Pursuit of Peace
So I woke up when the husband and big kids left for work/school today. "This is great!", I thought to myself. "The house is quiet. I'll get up now and have some quiet time before my littles wake up, and then I can really spend time with them when they wake up instead of trying to get some alone time then! Wonderful!" Except I had literally been awake 7 minutes when the little girls woke up. One of them is already throwing the loudest fit this side of Oklahoma. My heart is pounding and my blood is boiling and I feel like I've got my fingernails dug into peace and am trying to hold on to it by the skin of my teeth. What does the Bible say...something about "seek peace and pursue it"? Maybe that's because living in peace (and being AT peace) is harder than it seems. It doesn't just happen to you...at least not when you have small children. On another note, that verse in Psalms that says "how good, how pleasant it is when brothers live together in unity (peace)" has taken on a whole new meaning in my life. I get it. I TOTALLY get it now.
You know, usually, I wake up and I think about my day and I kind of formulate a plan. I'm a planner...I like to have a "to do" list and a loose schedule. (although a tight schedule is my favorite, but i've learned that's not possible anymore) And maybe I'm growing in this motherhood thing, because THIS morning, after I made my plan, I then admitted to myself that the likelihood of my plan happening is about 50%, and that I just need to let it go and hope for the best. So that's what I'm doing. Hey...there's still a 50% chance I'll get something done today that's on my list. Not bad odds! Not preferable, but not deplorable, either.
On another note, I've been noticing lately (as in, the past couple years) my affinity for variety. This is a good thing sometimes, but usually, it fleshes itself out more in the lack of discipline category, as in "I'll do something for awhile, but then get tired of it and quit." My consistency meter usually peters out after a few weeks/months. But I've also noticed how many ups and downs life has. I mean, I'll be doing great - great! - with different challenges/routines in my life, and then a blow will come, or maybe I'll just get bored with it - and I'm off the path again. And I was thinking about this little tree I have. We inherited it when it was just a stalk sticking out of a big planter/pot thingy. We didn't know what kind of tree it was or if it was alive or dead or what, but we stuck it in the sun and watered it. Well, come spring, we were overjoyed to find it starting to grow leaves. Amazing! Seriously - this was a huge highlight of my spring! I was filled with such hope as this little tree began to grow leaf after leaf after beautiful green leaf! It was fruitful and full of life! It was such an inspiration to me of hope and perseverance. Everytime I looked at it, the spring in my step increased.
But then...a few weeks ago...we had some uncharacteristicly cold weather. I forgot about our little tree being affected by this, and come morning, every one of those long, beautiful leaves were wilted. They hung straight down - totally limp - totally dead. I scooted the tree around the yard all day the next day so it could have direct sunlight, but alas, it still hung limp. I then brought the tree inside and put my coat over it in hopes of keeping it warm, but it was too late. One night's freeze and all that life was gone. I am still so, so sad about this. How quickly life can be snuffed out! I'm sure there are deeper metaphors here, but the one I want to focus on is the thousands of little deaths that happen to us in our lifetimes. We go through seasons...winter often the hardest, naturally. No signs of life. Then suddenly, boom, leaves and green and growth! But when we're not looking - we let our guard down - and then death, again. And had I taken care of this tree better, it would probably have made it through the cold - dormant - but would spring to life again as temperatures increased. It just reminds me of the many victories and defeats that make up my life, particularly in this journey of motherhood.
So here I sit...the house is quiet again. I'm guessing my littles succombed to the toastiness of their beds and the darkness of the house. My moment of annoyance and frustration has passed - defeat - and now I'm at peace again - victory!
But here's the goal, here's the goal: To have a peace that isn't based on circumstances. And that - THAT - comes in the form of a person. So now, I'm going to get off of this blog and seek Him, who sets my soul truly at rest, who "leads me beside quiet waters", who "restores my soul".
You know, usually, I wake up and I think about my day and I kind of formulate a plan. I'm a planner...I like to have a "to do" list and a loose schedule. (although a tight schedule is my favorite, but i've learned that's not possible anymore) And maybe I'm growing in this motherhood thing, because THIS morning, after I made my plan, I then admitted to myself that the likelihood of my plan happening is about 50%, and that I just need to let it go and hope for the best. So that's what I'm doing. Hey...there's still a 50% chance I'll get something done today that's on my list. Not bad odds! Not preferable, but not deplorable, either.
On another note, I've been noticing lately (as in, the past couple years) my affinity for variety. This is a good thing sometimes, but usually, it fleshes itself out more in the lack of discipline category, as in "I'll do something for awhile, but then get tired of it and quit." My consistency meter usually peters out after a few weeks/months. But I've also noticed how many ups and downs life has. I mean, I'll be doing great - great! - with different challenges/routines in my life, and then a blow will come, or maybe I'll just get bored with it - and I'm off the path again. And I was thinking about this little tree I have. We inherited it when it was just a stalk sticking out of a big planter/pot thingy. We didn't know what kind of tree it was or if it was alive or dead or what, but we stuck it in the sun and watered it. Well, come spring, we were overjoyed to find it starting to grow leaves. Amazing! Seriously - this was a huge highlight of my spring! I was filled with such hope as this little tree began to grow leaf after leaf after beautiful green leaf! It was fruitful and full of life! It was such an inspiration to me of hope and perseverance. Everytime I looked at it, the spring in my step increased.
But then...a few weeks ago...we had some uncharacteristicly cold weather. I forgot about our little tree being affected by this, and come morning, every one of those long, beautiful leaves were wilted. They hung straight down - totally limp - totally dead. I scooted the tree around the yard all day the next day so it could have direct sunlight, but alas, it still hung limp. I then brought the tree inside and put my coat over it in hopes of keeping it warm, but it was too late. One night's freeze and all that life was gone. I am still so, so sad about this. How quickly life can be snuffed out! I'm sure there are deeper metaphors here, but the one I want to focus on is the thousands of little deaths that happen to us in our lifetimes. We go through seasons...winter often the hardest, naturally. No signs of life. Then suddenly, boom, leaves and green and growth! But when we're not looking - we let our guard down - and then death, again. And had I taken care of this tree better, it would probably have made it through the cold - dormant - but would spring to life again as temperatures increased. It just reminds me of the many victories and defeats that make up my life, particularly in this journey of motherhood.
So here I sit...the house is quiet again. I'm guessing my littles succombed to the toastiness of their beds and the darkness of the house. My moment of annoyance and frustration has passed - defeat - and now I'm at peace again - victory!
But here's the goal, here's the goal: To have a peace that isn't based on circumstances. And that - THAT - comes in the form of a person. So now, I'm going to get off of this blog and seek Him, who sets my soul truly at rest, who "leads me beside quiet waters", who "restores my soul".
Friday, December 4, 2009
Beautiful Snow
I am overwhelmed with emotion right now. It’s snowing. It never snows here - I think the last time was 2 years ago, and that was a freak thing in MARCH. It’s so beautiful. And I just feel like something is changing. I feel like it’s the blessing of God, coming down so beautiful and so pure and so good. There are times the blessing of God comes violently like the waves of an ocean or a waterfall, but somes times it comes to us like snow drifting, floating, light. Wonderful.
The last few snowflakes have fallen and the sun in coming out, and it’s like we’re left saying, “Did that really happen?!” While we were in the midst of it, it was so overwhelmingly beautiful and real. And now there’s hardly a sign of it, but we can know in our hearts and treasure that it did - it DID - it did. And I think this is where we get glimpses of heaven and realize that this earth is not our home. That beauty like that is real, and while we may only get occasional glimpses, in heaven, the home of the King it’s always so. Like CS Lewis talks about, we were made longing for a distant land, a joy we’ve never known…there’s something in our hearts that knows eternity is real and the Kingdom of Heaven is real and that there is a King and He is good and He is love. It’s so easy to forget down here. It’s hard and ugly and everything is so full of decay and deceit and ruin. But oh, as the old hymn goes, “How beautiful heaven must be!”. And how beautiful its Light, its Lamb.
So I pause - I take pause - in reverence…realizing my own frailty and the many times I’ve chosen to believe what I can see over what I can’t see, what I don’t have the strength at times to hope for. But hope is just around the corner - it’s just around the corner! And whether it be the few seconds our eyes are opened and we see what really is, or whether it be permanently entering that world through ceasing to live in this fallen one, hope is just around the corner and it calls to us. Oh, longing in my heart, you were put there on purpose! Longing for home - for the King - for heaven! “How beautiful heaven must be!”
The last few snowflakes have fallen and the sun in coming out, and it’s like we’re left saying, “Did that really happen?!” While we were in the midst of it, it was so overwhelmingly beautiful and real. And now there’s hardly a sign of it, but we can know in our hearts and treasure that it did - it DID - it did. And I think this is where we get glimpses of heaven and realize that this earth is not our home. That beauty like that is real, and while we may only get occasional glimpses, in heaven, the home of the King it’s always so. Like CS Lewis talks about, we were made longing for a distant land, a joy we’ve never known…there’s something in our hearts that knows eternity is real and the Kingdom of Heaven is real and that there is a King and He is good and He is love. It’s so easy to forget down here. It’s hard and ugly and everything is so full of decay and deceit and ruin. But oh, as the old hymn goes, “How beautiful heaven must be!”. And how beautiful its Light, its Lamb.
So I pause - I take pause - in reverence…realizing my own frailty and the many times I’ve chosen to believe what I can see over what I can’t see, what I don’t have the strength at times to hope for. But hope is just around the corner - it’s just around the corner! And whether it be the few seconds our eyes are opened and we see what really is, or whether it be permanently entering that world through ceasing to live in this fallen one, hope is just around the corner and it calls to us. Oh, longing in my heart, you were put there on purpose! Longing for home - for the King - for heaven! “How beautiful heaven must be!”
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
Road Block Ahead
So I've been thinking lately about the source of my frustration with my kids, and I've talked about this before, but I want to say again that it usually boils down to 2 things: 1) blocked goals, or 2) fear.
I think about most of the times I lose my cool with my kids, and it's over seemingly little things: getting out the door and loaded into the van when we're late, getting someone to stay in their beds and sleep, having a clean house, driving around town with peace and quiet, etc.. These are normal things, normal desires, for sure. But OH! Look out! Even the simplest one will be blocked and fought against. And this, THIS, is the infuriating part.
When I see celebrity moms or even moms around town who seem really "put together" and cool, I often wonder how they respond to the different situations that parenting inevitably brings. (i.e. daughter is supposed to be at school early. we're already late, and she can't find one of her shoes, and for some reason, no other shoe options exist) I just sometimes wish I could be a fly on the wall and see what goes down in other houses. Any celebrities out there wanna fill us in??
Anyhoo, I just think that any adult would be angry if his goals were constantly blocked. That is my chief frustration, at this point. You'd think I'd just give in and give up, but something in me keeps tenaciously insisting on getting my way. I don't know if this is a good thing or a bad thing, but boy, some ugly words are getting said in the process, and did I mention I think I strained my vocal chords last week in an intensely passionte rant?
Sigh. Where are THESE topics in the motherhood books?!
I think about most of the times I lose my cool with my kids, and it's over seemingly little things: getting out the door and loaded into the van when we're late, getting someone to stay in their beds and sleep, having a clean house, driving around town with peace and quiet, etc.. These are normal things, normal desires, for sure. But OH! Look out! Even the simplest one will be blocked and fought against. And this, THIS, is the infuriating part.
When I see celebrity moms or even moms around town who seem really "put together" and cool, I often wonder how they respond to the different situations that parenting inevitably brings. (i.e. daughter is supposed to be at school early. we're already late, and she can't find one of her shoes, and for some reason, no other shoe options exist) I just sometimes wish I could be a fly on the wall and see what goes down in other houses. Any celebrities out there wanna fill us in??
Anyhoo, I just think that any adult would be angry if his goals were constantly blocked. That is my chief frustration, at this point. You'd think I'd just give in and give up, but something in me keeps tenaciously insisting on getting my way. I don't know if this is a good thing or a bad thing, but boy, some ugly words are getting said in the process, and did I mention I think I strained my vocal chords last week in an intensely passionte rant?
Sigh. Where are THESE topics in the motherhood books?!
Friday, November 20, 2009
Till We Have Faces
Has anyone read TILL WE HAVE FACES by C.S. Lewis? I just finished it, and man, I LOVED it, but my brain hurts! I feel like one of the main points of the book is the definition of true love, love that is self-sacrificing and love that wants the absolute best for the one who is loved, even if it hurts the one who loves. Pretty intense.
It relates to a thousand other truths in life, but also to this journey of parenthood. I've been realizing more and more that love down here on earth just pales in comparison to real love...to Real Love, the person. Our meager offerings of love and devotion and commitment...how weak they are, how self-centered, and how tainted, regardless of how pure we think they be.
Can't write more right now...baby screaming.
It relates to a thousand other truths in life, but also to this journey of parenthood. I've been realizing more and more that love down here on earth just pales in comparison to real love...to Real Love, the person. Our meager offerings of love and devotion and commitment...how weak they are, how self-centered, and how tainted, regardless of how pure we think they be.
Can't write more right now...baby screaming.
Saturday, November 14, 2009
GRIT AND GRACE
So I think I've finally figured out what frustrates me the most sometimes. I'm sure there are countless emotions contributing to the "cranky mommy" state, but here's one I think I've finally singled out. It's the feeling of waking up hopeful, but then realizing that the day is not your own. Realizing that no matter how badly you want to jump in the car and just go shopping or drive around town or, really, insert ANY goal into this equation, that I am at the mercy of the little people who live in my house. I'll wake up in a good mood, birds are singing, sun is shining, there may even be a bluebird somewhere around my shoulder. But oh so quickly, the sun goes behind the cloud, the birds fly off, and the rain comes down. This can be the result of extremely loud fighting, squawking, screeching, and crying. When this happens, I just shut down inside, and it's such a defeating feeling because it's like I'm trying SO hard to hold on to peace and to being a "happy Mommy", but it constantly eludes me. I don't know...maybe better moms could maintain their sense of peace and cheerfulness in the middle of ear-splitting fights and screeches, but me, I just lose it! It just BOTHERS me - it gets under my skin - it INFURIATES me! And then add to that constant butting up against your requests and arguing and slowness in obeying, and MAN, it's 9am and Mommy is thoroughly pissed.
I had grand hopes for the day. Woke up to sunshine, which always fills me with hope. Made pancakes, bacon, eggs for breakfast. But halfway through the cooking, Mommy's mood went south. Oh, I so long for the days when I could maintain a pleasant attitude ALL DAY! What the heck?!!! What happened to me? What happened to that bubbly teenager who was always smiling and laughing? SIGH. Maybe I'm being unrealistic. Growing up is hard to do, for sure. And sometimes, I tell myself, "You know, ANY adult would be annoyed by this. NO ONE likes it when someone screams in their ear. NO ONE likes to be argued with when they tell someone to do something. NO ONE likes it when someone is hurting someone else for the heck of it. It's normal and natural to feel this way!" But then I wonder, how do all these other moms maintain sanity? Maybe I'm all alone on this "it sucks sometimes to be a Mommy" island. And if I'm alone, then by golly, I might as well hang up some decorations and make this place my own. Because I'm going to be honest about it. This parenting thing, it's hard.
Sure, there's the voice telling me to just suck it up and deal with it. To get over myself. No one said that parenting was easy. That this is where I am in life and this is what I've chosen. And granted, that voice has some value. But if for no other reason than to clarify my emotions, I need to vent, to just be able to say it and get it out of my head so I can address it, say "yeah, you're right, Erin...it's hard." And move on.
I guess, if nothing else, I know that my Father hears these cries and agonies of my heart. And maybe it's all just a part of dying to yourself, of truly living selflessly. I know that's good for me, but I sure don't come by it naturally, and I sure don't like it! :)
I love my kids. I am so thankful that I have them. But sometimes, being their mother really kicks my butt. That's probably part of God's plan for my life...I need some butt-kicking because I grew up spoiled and selfish and territorial. I grew up feeling entitled and unrestrained. And He's given me these little ones not only to bless me, which they do, but also to teach me how to be more like Him. To love when I don't feel like it, to love by sticking it out and just persevering through the hard stuff by sheer grit. Grit...and grace. Boy, do I need a lot of grace! I think I have a new mantra...
I had grand hopes for the day. Woke up to sunshine, which always fills me with hope. Made pancakes, bacon, eggs for breakfast. But halfway through the cooking, Mommy's mood went south. Oh, I so long for the days when I could maintain a pleasant attitude ALL DAY! What the heck?!!! What happened to me? What happened to that bubbly teenager who was always smiling and laughing? SIGH. Maybe I'm being unrealistic. Growing up is hard to do, for sure. And sometimes, I tell myself, "You know, ANY adult would be annoyed by this. NO ONE likes it when someone screams in their ear. NO ONE likes to be argued with when they tell someone to do something. NO ONE likes it when someone is hurting someone else for the heck of it. It's normal and natural to feel this way!" But then I wonder, how do all these other moms maintain sanity? Maybe I'm all alone on this "it sucks sometimes to be a Mommy" island. And if I'm alone, then by golly, I might as well hang up some decorations and make this place my own. Because I'm going to be honest about it. This parenting thing, it's hard.
Sure, there's the voice telling me to just suck it up and deal with it. To get over myself. No one said that parenting was easy. That this is where I am in life and this is what I've chosen. And granted, that voice has some value. But if for no other reason than to clarify my emotions, I need to vent, to just be able to say it and get it out of my head so I can address it, say "yeah, you're right, Erin...it's hard." And move on.
I guess, if nothing else, I know that my Father hears these cries and agonies of my heart. And maybe it's all just a part of dying to yourself, of truly living selflessly. I know that's good for me, but I sure don't come by it naturally, and I sure don't like it! :)
I love my kids. I am so thankful that I have them. But sometimes, being their mother really kicks my butt. That's probably part of God's plan for my life...I need some butt-kicking because I grew up spoiled and selfish and territorial. I grew up feeling entitled and unrestrained. And He's given me these little ones not only to bless me, which they do, but also to teach me how to be more like Him. To love when I don't feel like it, to love by sticking it out and just persevering through the hard stuff by sheer grit. Grit...and grace. Boy, do I need a lot of grace! I think I have a new mantra...
Monday, November 9, 2009
Oh, For Solitude!
So it's one of those days. One of those days when you don't want your kids to touch you. At all. Or come near you. Or breathe on you. Or talk to you. Yep...THOSE days.
It all started with a crazy Sunday. Maybe I had too many sweets the night before - not sure. But all I know is I was extremely aggressive all day yesterday. Today, waking up hoping to get some respite by only having to deal with my three younger children, I actually had to repeat Sunday all over again, minus the brief interludes that church provides and minus helpful husband. M & J stayed home from school, and they both, yep both, have strep throat. Hello, five children. These are the times I'm feeling it!
Because my 2 older kids are home, my 2 and 4 year olds didn't sleep during naptime today. AT ALL. Not to mention that b/c of the time change, every freaking person in the family was awake at the crack of dawn. Currently, my 2 year old is climbing all over me, and I really am recoiling, although she has no clue. Score one for patience. At least she doesn't know. But boy, my skin is crawling, and I just want space and quiet and to NOT be touched!
Sheesh. What a day. I think I'm going to ask hubby for a long night at the bookstore tonight. SOMETHING'S gotta give!
Maybe I'll have a better post later, but for now, it's just...raw!
It all started with a crazy Sunday. Maybe I had too many sweets the night before - not sure. But all I know is I was extremely aggressive all day yesterday. Today, waking up hoping to get some respite by only having to deal with my three younger children, I actually had to repeat Sunday all over again, minus the brief interludes that church provides and minus helpful husband. M & J stayed home from school, and they both, yep both, have strep throat. Hello, five children. These are the times I'm feeling it!
Because my 2 older kids are home, my 2 and 4 year olds didn't sleep during naptime today. AT ALL. Not to mention that b/c of the time change, every freaking person in the family was awake at the crack of dawn. Currently, my 2 year old is climbing all over me, and I really am recoiling, although she has no clue. Score one for patience. At least she doesn't know. But boy, my skin is crawling, and I just want space and quiet and to NOT be touched!
Sheesh. What a day. I think I'm going to ask hubby for a long night at the bookstore tonight. SOMETHING'S gotta give!
Maybe I'll have a better post later, but for now, it's just...raw!
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
Not-so-joyful Noises
Note to Self: When baby is learning to "cry it out", installing a door on his room is imperative. Otherwise, beloved baby's cries sound like fingernails on a chalkboard...especially when the rest of the family (including Mommy) is trying to sleep.
After convincing myself that baby really was fine and would eventually stop crying, I miraculously dozed off into slumber, only to hear 4-year-old sneaking the markers out of the craft drawer. I raised my hand and snapped as loudly as I could and did some angry pointing back towards her room, and it must have worked, because yet again, Mommy somehow went back to dozing.
These are the things, I've noticed, that make for a cranky mommy. Earlier today, 4-year-old and 2-year-old beloved daughters were loudly singing some kind of "bang banga bang" song at the dinner table, and I found my head starting to pound along with their incessant chanting. My tone of voice got a little shorter, and my instructions quite snippy. I was able to step away from the situation mentally and convinced myself that I wasn't a beast for feeling this way. I pictured some of the adults I know, random adults that don't have children, and I pictured them sitting at this table with me, and clearly, they were as annoyed as I was. Yes...it is annoying to the adult ear to hear loud repetition of otoematpias (or however you spell that word). This would get on even the kindest person's nerves, I'm sure of it. BUT...I told myself...NAPTIME is sweet respite from noise, so if you, Mommy, can just endure a little bit longer, peace will come.
But did I mention beloved baby's screaming? Sigh!
After convincing myself that baby really was fine and would eventually stop crying, I miraculously dozed off into slumber, only to hear 4-year-old sneaking the markers out of the craft drawer. I raised my hand and snapped as loudly as I could and did some angry pointing back towards her room, and it must have worked, because yet again, Mommy somehow went back to dozing.
These are the things, I've noticed, that make for a cranky mommy. Earlier today, 4-year-old and 2-year-old beloved daughters were loudly singing some kind of "bang banga bang" song at the dinner table, and I found my head starting to pound along with their incessant chanting. My tone of voice got a little shorter, and my instructions quite snippy. I was able to step away from the situation mentally and convinced myself that I wasn't a beast for feeling this way. I pictured some of the adults I know, random adults that don't have children, and I pictured them sitting at this table with me, and clearly, they were as annoyed as I was. Yes...it is annoying to the adult ear to hear loud repetition of otoematpias (or however you spell that word). This would get on even the kindest person's nerves, I'm sure of it. BUT...I told myself...NAPTIME is sweet respite from noise, so if you, Mommy, can just endure a little bit longer, peace will come.
But did I mention beloved baby's screaming? Sigh!
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
Fullness of Joy
So after posting my "Blue Sky Blues" on Saturday, I took action. I got a can of Dr. Pepper out of the fridge, grabbed Jeremy's guitar, and went and sat outside on the porch while my kids were finishing naptime. Then, when my littles woke up, we went to the lake and met up with the rest of the family, and had a truly glorious evening! We were all out on this floating dock, all 7 of us, and my poor youngest were constantly getting barked at to sit on their rumps and stay put in the very center of the dock. But, barking aside, we had a great time of pointing out clouds, watching a crane who was perched in a dead tree, and analyzing every little detail of some fisherman who had decided to load his boat right beside us. Poor guy - he probably wasn't prepared at all for the reality-star he would become as we discussed his every move.
While the big boys (older son & daddy) fished a little longer into the evening, the girls and baby boy and I went for a little stroll around the lake. It was such a beautifully wonderful weather day, and, thank You, Jesus!, I actually got to enjoy it. And I have to say I really enjoyed my family, too. It's been a great weekend of family-ness, honestly. Saturday was great, and then Sunday morning, we woke up too late to make it to the church service we usually go to, so we decided to have family-church at home. Jer lead worship, I led the lesson, and it actually was really good! Our theme was "it's God's KINDNESS that leads us to repentence." I think the kids actually "got" it, what with my dramatization that involved tying my daughter to a chair (representing how seemingly "little" sins can actually end up making us prisoners). Maybe this chair routine can come into play a little more...say, when the kids are hyper-crazy after school...hmmm. Okay, obviously kidding, but...hey. So then, Sunday evening, we were supposed to go to an outreach at the park that our Lifegroup was doing, but we were running late for that, too (surprise, surprise), so when we headed that direction but realized we were over an hour late, we ditched the whole plan and ended up at the Dam. We then had a really awesome walk along the dam as a family. Yes, the "dam walk". (Makes me laugh every time!)
I had lunch with a great friend today (Erin Ivy!), and she was quick to encourage me that this hard stuff of parenting is only for a season, and as Darius Rucker sings in his current radio-hit, "It won't be like this for long. These days are gonna fly by." So I'm feeling very full, full of thankfulness for these children I have and the wonderful husband that gave them to me. And the beautiful Father who put it all together. Good days, bad days...I have plenty of both. But, wow - what a great weekend! Oh, and we had BBQ for supper...and hubby got me my fave ice cream as a surpise! Now did I mention I could do without the extra calories? But I'm thankful - so thankful. Besides...I think I've mentioned it before...but if God can give me DoubleTree chocolate chip cookies, surely some ice cream every now and then isn't such a bad thing! (I'll save the cookie story for another day)
While the big boys (older son & daddy) fished a little longer into the evening, the girls and baby boy and I went for a little stroll around the lake. It was such a beautifully wonderful weather day, and, thank You, Jesus!, I actually got to enjoy it. And I have to say I really enjoyed my family, too. It's been a great weekend of family-ness, honestly. Saturday was great, and then Sunday morning, we woke up too late to make it to the church service we usually go to, so we decided to have family-church at home. Jer lead worship, I led the lesson, and it actually was really good! Our theme was "it's God's KINDNESS that leads us to repentence." I think the kids actually "got" it, what with my dramatization that involved tying my daughter to a chair (representing how seemingly "little" sins can actually end up making us prisoners). Maybe this chair routine can come into play a little more...say, when the kids are hyper-crazy after school...hmmm. Okay, obviously kidding, but...hey. So then, Sunday evening, we were supposed to go to an outreach at the park that our Lifegroup was doing, but we were running late for that, too (surprise, surprise), so when we headed that direction but realized we were over an hour late, we ditched the whole plan and ended up at the Dam. We then had a really awesome walk along the dam as a family. Yes, the "dam walk". (Makes me laugh every time!)
I had lunch with a great friend today (Erin Ivy!), and she was quick to encourage me that this hard stuff of parenting is only for a season, and as Darius Rucker sings in his current radio-hit, "It won't be like this for long. These days are gonna fly by." So I'm feeling very full, full of thankfulness for these children I have and the wonderful husband that gave them to me. And the beautiful Father who put it all together. Good days, bad days...I have plenty of both. But, wow - what a great weekend! Oh, and we had BBQ for supper...and hubby got me my fave ice cream as a surpise! Now did I mention I could do without the extra calories? But I'm thankful - so thankful. Besides...I think I've mentioned it before...but if God can give me DoubleTree chocolate chip cookies, surely some ice cream every now and then isn't such a bad thing! (I'll save the cookie story for another day)
Saturday, October 17, 2009
The Blue Sky Blues
It's a beautiful Saturday. After a week of rain, the clouds have cleared and the sun is shining. We've had a great morning of blackberry pancakes, sausage, eggs, and family togetherness. I'm thankful. But now, Jeremy is off for some much-needed (and long-in-coming) fishing, and I'm sighing because I would so love to go with him. Thankfully, he's taking the older 2 kids with him, bless his heart, so my littles are just now down for a nap and I'll have some alone-time. That's nice, for sure. But I can't help feeling a bit sorry for myself because I remember the time (aka "the largest part of my life") when I could go outside every day whenever I wanted to. That might sound silly...but I've always been the kind of "kid" who needed to "go out" every day. I remember being in school (elementary and Jr. High)"stuck" in a class and wistfully looking out the window at the sun and wanting so desperately to be in it. When I went to high school, I was truly downhearted to learn that none of the classrooms had windows...there were windows in the common areas, but not in the classrooms,and I wondered how I would cope. If too long passed before I got to go outside, I would start to get really down. I remember in high school that sometimes, I would just run outside in between classes in hopes of reviving my downcast state with some much-needed Vitamin D.
So here I am, in a home with, literally, 40 windows, and I feel trapped in it. I always talk about how the house holds me prisoner sometimes. Not really, but because there are so many children and getting "out and about" with them is no easy task, I usually just give up and give in and STAY in. Ugh. I've noticed about myself, as well, that I don't feel so much of the longing to go outside anymore. It's like I've become accustomed to this cave. And sometimes, I pull the curtains shut...almost like I'm shielding myself from the rest of the world. Probably not that great of a thing to do. Probably a mild depression going on there. But my true self fights for hope and for light and for freedom...for running wild in a field of dandelions, for driving down the interstate with my windows down, or at least for sitting on a bench at a playground while my monkeys monkey around.
Today, the longing is back. I want to be free, to be outside, to walk around wherever I want, to drive wherever I want. To not have to think of anyone but myself. To not have to buckle a carseat or yell at a kid who's making loud noises and breaking my daydreaming. Sigh. But I'm telling myself that one day, one day, I'll have plenty of opportunities to take advantage of a beautiful day. And meanwhile, I'm going to try to be thankful, thankful that I have carseats to buckle and kids to yell at. :) And besides...maybe I can talk hubby into heading to a pumpkin patch after naptime. See...there's always hope! :)
So here I am, in a home with, literally, 40 windows, and I feel trapped in it. I always talk about how the house holds me prisoner sometimes. Not really, but because there are so many children and getting "out and about" with them is no easy task, I usually just give up and give in and STAY in. Ugh. I've noticed about myself, as well, that I don't feel so much of the longing to go outside anymore. It's like I've become accustomed to this cave. And sometimes, I pull the curtains shut...almost like I'm shielding myself from the rest of the world. Probably not that great of a thing to do. Probably a mild depression going on there. But my true self fights for hope and for light and for freedom...for running wild in a field of dandelions, for driving down the interstate with my windows down, or at least for sitting on a bench at a playground while my monkeys monkey around.
Today, the longing is back. I want to be free, to be outside, to walk around wherever I want, to drive wherever I want. To not have to think of anyone but myself. To not have to buckle a carseat or yell at a kid who's making loud noises and breaking my daydreaming. Sigh. But I'm telling myself that one day, one day, I'll have plenty of opportunities to take advantage of a beautiful day. And meanwhile, I'm going to try to be thankful, thankful that I have carseats to buckle and kids to yell at. :) And besides...maybe I can talk hubby into heading to a pumpkin patch after naptime. See...there's always hope! :)
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
Everyday Mercies
So regarding my last blog about the toothbrushing, let me just say that God is good and He is merciful! We went to the dentist last week (all children with teeth, anyway), and of all of them, here's what he said about the two-year-old toothbrush-toilet-dipper..."Her teeth are pristine!". Seriously?! I just had this overwhelming sense of God's grace envelop me when he said that. Just this sense that God is so much more loving and so much more good than we could ever comprehend, or, moreoever, ever deserve. I know it might sound silly when talking about the state of my kids' teeth, but it's true. I was deeply impacted.
Maybe it's because one of my prayers has always been that God would "fill in the gaps" in all the areas where my weaknesses or failures have made holes. Holes in my parenting, holes in the way I love my kids, holes in the way I take care of them. It's hard enough to do it right with just one child, let alone five. I realize this and am often paralyzed by the thought of it. And my heart just utters a feeble, "Help, Lord!".
One of the verses God gave me when I found out I was pregnant with my sweet #5 was in Isaiah where it talks about how "even the youth will grow tired and weary, but those who wait on the Lord will have renewed strength." I'm older now and have less energy, but I felt like God was promising me that if I'd look to Him, "His right hand will uphold me", as it says in Psalms. That He will be my strength. And His strength, coupled with a thousand other aspects of His character but mostly His grace, will take care of my kids and cover over all the mistakes and all the ways I fall short in my parenting.
Little did the dentist know that his announcement would write itself upon my heart!
Maybe it's because one of my prayers has always been that God would "fill in the gaps" in all the areas where my weaknesses or failures have made holes. Holes in my parenting, holes in the way I love my kids, holes in the way I take care of them. It's hard enough to do it right with just one child, let alone five. I realize this and am often paralyzed by the thought of it. And my heart just utters a feeble, "Help, Lord!".
One of the verses God gave me when I found out I was pregnant with my sweet #5 was in Isaiah where it talks about how "even the youth will grow tired and weary, but those who wait on the Lord will have renewed strength." I'm older now and have less energy, but I felt like God was promising me that if I'd look to Him, "His right hand will uphold me", as it says in Psalms. That He will be my strength. And His strength, coupled with a thousand other aspects of His character but mostly His grace, will take care of my kids and cover over all the mistakes and all the ways I fall short in my parenting.
Little did the dentist know that his announcement would write itself upon my heart!
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
Toothbrushing Fiasco
So today, I descend upon a most interesting toothbrushing scene in our bathroom. Shiloh, my two-year-old, has just dipped her toothbrush into the toilet bowl "because there's water in there, Mommy!". ARE YOU KIDDING ME????!!! How does one respond to this?!!!! I thought about taking her to get dry cleaned or maybe making her swallow a gallon of hand sanitizer. But seriously...how long has this been going on?!
I have to confess I'm thinking this is what I deserve b/c I don't often supervise the daily cleansing of the teeth. The dentist asks, "So do they brush their teeth by themselves, or do you help them?" Uh...why do you ask? Is it because they're teeth are impeccable due to obvious adult intervention? Or is it because they're rotting underneath and it's obvious that Mommy has 5 kids and sometimes slacks in the grooming department?
Sigh! But I will say that this is one of those areas I freak out about. Teeth. I mean, maybe we get a little mercy, what with the baby teeth eventually falling out, but these permanent teeth...wow...they're supposed to last a lifetime. And sure, I don't let them eat candy very often, and the little ones have never taken juice sippy cups to bed...but that strawberry-flavored mouth wash formulated just for kids? REEEALLY. To me, that has "poison potential" written all over it. I mean, first of all, what kid under age 10 knows how to gargle and then spit? There's no question that about 85% of what's swished about in the mouth will be ultimately ingested. No thank you. And as for the floss...well...I confess...we floss about once a month, if that. My kids use floss as a tool, alright, but more so a tool for hanging toys from chairs, making parachutes for My Little Ponies, and such.
Let's just say I'm praying that God has some sort of miracle for redeeming spotty teeth maintenance, because the whole business of teeth is something I find completely overwhelming. Pretty much, until a kid is capable of scrubbing those things into tip-top shape all by himself/herself, we just kind of stick the toothbrush in the mouth and hope for the best. Besides...have you ever tried to brush a screaming toddler's teeth? You'd think you could really get in there and manuever, what with the wide-open mouth, but it's the kicking and thrashing that really cramp one's style.
Anyhoo...I guess if worst comes to worst, they can always fall on the graces of cosmetic dentistry. Maybe I'll start a "yeah, your mom wasn't that great at implementing a proper tooth brushing routine until you were old enough to handle it yourself, so here's some money to get caps on all your teeth when you're in your twenties" savings account. Or...and this would be a stroke of luck...maybe the bleach we clean the toilet with works wonders on the human mouth. Maybe Shiloh...maybe she's on to something!
I have to confess I'm thinking this is what I deserve b/c I don't often supervise the daily cleansing of the teeth. The dentist asks, "So do they brush their teeth by themselves, or do you help them?" Uh...why do you ask? Is it because they're teeth are impeccable due to obvious adult intervention? Or is it because they're rotting underneath and it's obvious that Mommy has 5 kids and sometimes slacks in the grooming department?
Sigh! But I will say that this is one of those areas I freak out about. Teeth. I mean, maybe we get a little mercy, what with the baby teeth eventually falling out, but these permanent teeth...wow...they're supposed to last a lifetime. And sure, I don't let them eat candy very often, and the little ones have never taken juice sippy cups to bed...but that strawberry-flavored mouth wash formulated just for kids? REEEALLY. To me, that has "poison potential" written all over it. I mean, first of all, what kid under age 10 knows how to gargle and then spit? There's no question that about 85% of what's swished about in the mouth will be ultimately ingested. No thank you. And as for the floss...well...I confess...we floss about once a month, if that. My kids use floss as a tool, alright, but more so a tool for hanging toys from chairs, making parachutes for My Little Ponies, and such.
Let's just say I'm praying that God has some sort of miracle for redeeming spotty teeth maintenance, because the whole business of teeth is something I find completely overwhelming. Pretty much, until a kid is capable of scrubbing those things into tip-top shape all by himself/herself, we just kind of stick the toothbrush in the mouth and hope for the best. Besides...have you ever tried to brush a screaming toddler's teeth? You'd think you could really get in there and manuever, what with the wide-open mouth, but it's the kicking and thrashing that really cramp one's style.
Anyhoo...I guess if worst comes to worst, they can always fall on the graces of cosmetic dentistry. Maybe I'll start a "yeah, your mom wasn't that great at implementing a proper tooth brushing routine until you were old enough to handle it yourself, so here's some money to get caps on all your teeth when you're in your twenties" savings account. Or...and this would be a stroke of luck...maybe the bleach we clean the toilet with works wonders on the human mouth. Maybe Shiloh...maybe she's on to something!
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
Spilt Milk
So whoever came up with the adage "No use crying over spilt milk!" must have had a two-year-old. Seriously...I think I clean up spilt milk every other day. It's amazing how many times I hear this phrase in my head while I'm trying not to express my frustration verbally. And it's amazing how many times this has helped me keep things in perspective! Who knew?!
Thursday, August 27, 2009
Little Wonders
Remember what I said about my two-year-old normally talking in big sentences? Here's something she just said. (Shiloh was drinking out of a cup with drawings on it, while Anneliese just had a plain colored cup with a star. Anneliese was talking about the star, and Shiloh responded with this):
"I don't have a star on my cup. I have people! See, Mommy? That's Clifford!"
And this kid hasn't been 2 for that long! Maybe I'm a little biased, but I think she's brilliant! :)
Then, earlier today, Maddy was rushing out the door for
school but also reciting a poem she had just written, something about popcorn. Let's just say it was full of "POP POP POP!".
Fun morning sounds, sweet little voices, little minds, full of discovery. I'm blessed!
"I don't have a star on my cup. I have people! See, Mommy? That's Clifford!"
And this kid hasn't been 2 for that long! Maybe I'm a little biased, but I think she's brilliant! :)
Then, earlier today, Maddy was rushing out the door for
school but also reciting a poem she had just written, something about popcorn. Let's just say it was full of "POP POP POP!".
Fun morning sounds, sweet little voices, little minds, full of discovery. I'm blessed!
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
Legs and Such
So there's this Barbie leg that's been lying on the floor of our office for a few days. Finally, someone noticed it and picked it up again to play with. It just happened to be my two-year-old, Shiloh. She brings it to me. "Leg, Mommy!" (For the record, Shiloh can talk in big sentences, but I guess she didn't feel the need due to the obvious nature of the statement.)
I take it from her and proceed to imaginatively show her all the things it could be. You know, a knife, a fork, a popsicle stick, etc. After my little show, which I happen to think is brilliant and quite entertaining, she continues looking at me with her blank stare, clearly unimpressed. It's quiet for a moment as I'm smiling, waiting for some sort of recognition of my brilliance. And she says again, "...Mommmy. LEG."
Ah, well. Yes, I guess that's all it is. Although a few minutes later, I notice she had found the leg's partner and was using them as drum sticks. I sometimes laugh to myself at the thought that we don't even bat an eye at the Barbie carnage lying all over the house. In closing, I'll add that when I set out the coloring materials just now for my two littlest girls, the Barbie legs were haplessly thrown to the floor as she abandoned them for crayons. Poor Barbie!
I take it from her and proceed to imaginatively show her all the things it could be. You know, a knife, a fork, a popsicle stick, etc. After my little show, which I happen to think is brilliant and quite entertaining, she continues looking at me with her blank stare, clearly unimpressed. It's quiet for a moment as I'm smiling, waiting for some sort of recognition of my brilliance. And she says again, "...Mommmy. LEG."
Ah, well. Yes, I guess that's all it is. Although a few minutes later, I notice she had found the leg's partner and was using them as drum sticks. I sometimes laugh to myself at the thought that we don't even bat an eye at the Barbie carnage lying all over the house. In closing, I'll add that when I set out the coloring materials just now for my two littlest girls, the Barbie legs were haplessly thrown to the floor as she abandoned them for crayons. Poor Barbie!
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
Mid-Afternoon Panic
So for what it's worth, I'm going to describe what I'm feeling now, which is an all-too-familiar sense of panic. Why am I panicked? Why is my stomach in knots and why am I fighting this feeling like I need to instantly escape?!
It's "Mid-afternoon Panic"! Translated as such: It's 3:40. I haven't been to the grocery store this week, so I therefore have nothing to prepare for supper tonight. Husband is coming home in 2 hours expecting a family meal, and I've got nothing. Not to mention that I'm feeling really light-headed and out-of-it, which means I've either got low blood sugar or need to intake more iron. THEN, in this state, I've got to figure out how to procure food for the evening. My two oldest kids are out with my mom and will be arriving any time, which will no doubt up the volume and stress level, and I'm mentally not ready for them and their constant requests. Additionally, husband is headed back to work after dinner, which means I'll be "single momming" it all night. Ugh. AND I'm adding a three-year-old nephew to the mix, which means I will be trapped at the house b/c there's literally no room in our mini-van for all of us. PANICCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCC!!!!
I'm freaking out. Everything in me is saying, "Run!! Escape!!!" But where the heck am I going to go? I feel like I need to get out of the house (because I haven't yet today), maybe go exercise or something, or maybe take a shower. But I'm started to feel a little depressed on top of it all b/c I feel like I can't win. I feel like I can't ever be on top of things. I feel trapped and like I'm stuck in this house and with these responsibilities that I can't adequately take care of. I long for the day when I'm back in my "groove" and when I'm accomplishing more than a few things every day.
This is not the best side of me, for sure. But I wanted to record it in case, if nothing else, I need my husband to read it so he understands me a little better.
AAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!!
It's "Mid-afternoon Panic"! Translated as such: It's 3:40. I haven't been to the grocery store this week, so I therefore have nothing to prepare for supper tonight. Husband is coming home in 2 hours expecting a family meal, and I've got nothing. Not to mention that I'm feeling really light-headed and out-of-it, which means I've either got low blood sugar or need to intake more iron. THEN, in this state, I've got to figure out how to procure food for the evening. My two oldest kids are out with my mom and will be arriving any time, which will no doubt up the volume and stress level, and I'm mentally not ready for them and their constant requests. Additionally, husband is headed back to work after dinner, which means I'll be "single momming" it all night. Ugh. AND I'm adding a three-year-old nephew to the mix, which means I will be trapped at the house b/c there's literally no room in our mini-van for all of us. PANICCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCC!!!!
I'm freaking out. Everything in me is saying, "Run!! Escape!!!" But where the heck am I going to go? I feel like I need to get out of the house (because I haven't yet today), maybe go exercise or something, or maybe take a shower. But I'm started to feel a little depressed on top of it all b/c I feel like I can't win. I feel like I can't ever be on top of things. I feel trapped and like I'm stuck in this house and with these responsibilities that I can't adequately take care of. I long for the day when I'm back in my "groove" and when I'm accomplishing more than a few things every day.
This is not the best side of me, for sure. But I wanted to record it in case, if nothing else, I need my husband to read it so he understands me a little better.
AAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!!
Monday, August 17, 2009
Separation Anxiety
I've noticed, as a mom, that there are definite times when I desperately need to separate myself from my kids and FEEL like I'm my own person. Tonight was one of those nights. Jeremy has been working nights during the week, and while we had an AWESOME family weekend (time at friends' houses, swimming at the lake, etc.), it's Monday again, and I feel like a single parent. After supper, I loaded everyone up and we headed to a nearby gym for some much-needed "separation time".
Unfortuntely, they weren't providing childcare tonight, so my plan of taking my frustration out on the nearest treadmill fizzled. But we headed to the basketball courts, where we could all run around, shoot hoops, and just generally enjoy our own separate identities. It was SO fun, and mutually enjoyed by all! I even loosened up enough to swing my kids in circles by their arms, faster, faster, faster, so fast we almost took flight!
When we were getting ready to leave, my four-year-old, who is seriously tiny, came up to me with a sad look on her face and said, "Mommy, why am I so small?!" And I said, "What do you mean?!" She said, "My body...it's so small!" and I said, "Baby, are you feeling small tonight?" and she sadly nodded her head. Oh! Heart breaking! I tried to assure her that she would eventually grow bigger, but that's not much comfort to a wee preschooler.
When we got home just now, I was putting her in bed, and she was again bemoaning the fact that she was so little. I tried the whole "Guess what?! When you sleep, your body GROWS!" (it's true, you know!). But she put me in my place with a tearful, "but I'm not going to be bigger in the morning!". My goodness...sometimes, you want to distance yourself so far from your children that you're on different continents, and then other times, you want to draw them so close that they squish into you and you absorb them.
It's the latter times...the times you want to pull them so near...that make it all worth it. The prayer of my heart is: "GOD! Please don't let me say something that I will regret during the times my heart is far away." While I treasure my time apart, my time to remember who I am as an individual, I treasure even more the times I remember why I love being my kids' mother.
Unfortuntely, they weren't providing childcare tonight, so my plan of taking my frustration out on the nearest treadmill fizzled. But we headed to the basketball courts, where we could all run around, shoot hoops, and just generally enjoy our own separate identities. It was SO fun, and mutually enjoyed by all! I even loosened up enough to swing my kids in circles by their arms, faster, faster, faster, so fast we almost took flight!
When we were getting ready to leave, my four-year-old, who is seriously tiny, came up to me with a sad look on her face and said, "Mommy, why am I so small?!" And I said, "What do you mean?!" She said, "My body...it's so small!" and I said, "Baby, are you feeling small tonight?" and she sadly nodded her head. Oh! Heart breaking! I tried to assure her that she would eventually grow bigger, but that's not much comfort to a wee preschooler.
When we got home just now, I was putting her in bed, and she was again bemoaning the fact that she was so little. I tried the whole "Guess what?! When you sleep, your body GROWS!" (it's true, you know!). But she put me in my place with a tearful, "but I'm not going to be bigger in the morning!". My goodness...sometimes, you want to distance yourself so far from your children that you're on different continents, and then other times, you want to draw them so close that they squish into you and you absorb them.
It's the latter times...the times you want to pull them so near...that make it all worth it. The prayer of my heart is: "GOD! Please don't let me say something that I will regret during the times my heart is far away." While I treasure my time apart, my time to remember who I am as an individual, I treasure even more the times I remember why I love being my kids' mother.
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
Foundation of Thankfulness
So first of all, you know it's time to jump on the weight-loss bandwagon when your two-year-old asks you if there's still a baby in your tummy. Yeahhhhh...
Second of all, I had this sobering realization the other day that all THIS - meaning this family I've got - could change at any time. You never know what's around the corner, and I want to appreciate and enjoy every minute with these precious little kids of mine and with my awesome husband. Granted, there will definitely be minutes when I'm NOT enjoying my kids, but I want to still, even in the midst of the ugly, crazy nitty-gritty of child-rearing, have an underlying foundation of thankfulness for the gifts I've been given in these kids and in my family as a whole.
With this, though, I have to confess, I've had times when I'm like, "Oh, God, PLEASE don't let THIS be my last interaction with them!" and when my heart is REALLY hard, I tell myself, "Well, they'll be in Heaven and they'll understand why I was so mad at them..." Is that even funny? Don't know, but it's true. Hmm...
Anyhoo, we're off to a busy day, but I'm going to try and remember how blessed I am today...that children truly are "gifts from the Lord", as the Bible says.
Second of all, I had this sobering realization the other day that all THIS - meaning this family I've got - could change at any time. You never know what's around the corner, and I want to appreciate and enjoy every minute with these precious little kids of mine and with my awesome husband. Granted, there will definitely be minutes when I'm NOT enjoying my kids, but I want to still, even in the midst of the ugly, crazy nitty-gritty of child-rearing, have an underlying foundation of thankfulness for the gifts I've been given in these kids and in my family as a whole.
With this, though, I have to confess, I've had times when I'm like, "Oh, God, PLEASE don't let THIS be my last interaction with them!" and when my heart is REALLY hard, I tell myself, "Well, they'll be in Heaven and they'll understand why I was so mad at them..." Is that even funny? Don't know, but it's true. Hmm...
Anyhoo, we're off to a busy day, but I'm going to try and remember how blessed I am today...that children truly are "gifts from the Lord", as the Bible says.
Monday, August 3, 2009
The Blessing of Space
So back to my normal confessions and rants...
Today started off with the normal amount of frenzy. Kids woke me up with a "Mommy, it's some time after 8!" My son was all dressed for swimming lessons, which didn't start until 11, and he's in a panic and asking me if he has to take a nap today. Not my favorite way of waking up, to say the least. I stumbled to the kitchen to try and down a cup of coffee to get my brain functioning, meanwhile fielding multiple requests and panicked questions about the day. Sighhhhh. Then I went into our office, where my husband had written a snarky note to me about the state of our finances and my seemingly utter disregard for poverty. I, being the "clueless by choice" spender of the family, quickly threw clothes on, ordered the kids out the door, and sped to the bank to deposit some hoarded cash and to return a couple of purchases so we'd have some operating money this week. Sighhhhh.
By the time we got back to the house, we're all hungry, kids are whiny, and I was previously only able to swallow 2/3 of my coffee, so let's just say that no one's at their best. Especially me. I get breakfast made and sit everyone down at the table, then I retreat to the office to nurse the baby, surf "help for cranky mommies" websites, and eat eggs and toast one-handed.
At this point, the kids are finishing breakfast and starting to fight with each other. I head back to the dining room to break up the fight between the 2 & 4 year olds, and suddenly realize I'm about to snap. Can't quite put my finger on why, but it's about to happen, so I decide I need to "divide and conquer." I shoo everyone into their rooms to sit on their beds for the remaining 15 minutes until departure time so I can have some time to gear up and plan our day in peace. Unfortunately, my children haven't yet been successfully trained to "obey quicky, cheerfully, and completely" (a mantra you'll hear a lot around our house), so the brakes go on, they demand a "why", and I lose it. That's right...I snapped. I screamed at the top of my lungs "Because I said so, dammit!" Sighhhh. Kids-0, Mommy-0, Anger-1. Everybody loses.
I can't figure out what put me in such a funk this morning. I think part of it was the fact that I'm reading a book on how to train your children to obey and feeling very insufficient in my technique and follow-through these days. It's an awesome book, don't get me wrong, and I'm really excited about implementing its principles. However, I haven't finished yet, so I feel like I'm kind of stuck in Purgatory or something b/c I'm half-informed and half-clueless. But I have read enough to know that children need to obey WITHOUT having to know WHY. This is something I wholeheartedly agree with. Hence the volcano eruption when they demanded a reason for my "order".
Did I mention that this parenting thing kicks my butt? People say age brings wisdom, and boy, is it true. Reading this book ("What the Bible Says About Child Training" by J. Richard Fugate) is causing me to have all kinds of flash-backs about times growing up when I would deliberately disobey my parents or throw fits or talk-back in disrespect. I found myself in deep repentence the other night when I was nodding off to sleep. "Foolishness is bound up in the heart of a child, but the rod of correction will drive it far from him." (in Proverbs somewhere) Interesting thing is, I don't think I really ever learned to submit to authority until I was in my late twenties. I had plenty of experiences with "the rod of correction" as a child, but the rebel inside didn't lay down until I finally matured enough to see the blessing that comes from submitting to the authority that God has placed in your life. It was actually my first "real" job that taught me this.
Anyhoo, I'm kind of digressing into random musings now, but here's something I'm thankful for: times of separation from our kids. My mom graciously took the little girls with her for an hour while the older two, the baby, and I headed to swimming lessons. Sitting on the half-wall watching my kids with their instructors, splashing around in the water and learning a healthy respect for it, I was filled with love again for these little offspring of mine. And I was thankful for the distance between us, thankful for the space that allows me to step outside of the situation and just appreciate them for the little individuals they are. And now, I'm ready to be close to them again, ready for all of us to rub and bump against each other, embracing the tender moments and bracing myself for the ones that cause friction.
Today started off with the normal amount of frenzy. Kids woke me up with a "Mommy, it's some time after 8!" My son was all dressed for swimming lessons, which didn't start until 11, and he's in a panic and asking me if he has to take a nap today. Not my favorite way of waking up, to say the least. I stumbled to the kitchen to try and down a cup of coffee to get my brain functioning, meanwhile fielding multiple requests and panicked questions about the day. Sighhhhh. Then I went into our office, where my husband had written a snarky note to me about the state of our finances and my seemingly utter disregard for poverty. I, being the "clueless by choice" spender of the family, quickly threw clothes on, ordered the kids out the door, and sped to the bank to deposit some hoarded cash and to return a couple of purchases so we'd have some operating money this week. Sighhhhh.
By the time we got back to the house, we're all hungry, kids are whiny, and I was previously only able to swallow 2/3 of my coffee, so let's just say that no one's at their best. Especially me. I get breakfast made and sit everyone down at the table, then I retreat to the office to nurse the baby, surf "help for cranky mommies" websites, and eat eggs and toast one-handed.
At this point, the kids are finishing breakfast and starting to fight with each other. I head back to the dining room to break up the fight between the 2 & 4 year olds, and suddenly realize I'm about to snap. Can't quite put my finger on why, but it's about to happen, so I decide I need to "divide and conquer." I shoo everyone into their rooms to sit on their beds for the remaining 15 minutes until departure time so I can have some time to gear up and plan our day in peace. Unfortunately, my children haven't yet been successfully trained to "obey quicky, cheerfully, and completely" (a mantra you'll hear a lot around our house), so the brakes go on, they demand a "why", and I lose it. That's right...I snapped. I screamed at the top of my lungs "Because I said so, dammit!" Sighhhh. Kids-0, Mommy-0, Anger-1. Everybody loses.
I can't figure out what put me in such a funk this morning. I think part of it was the fact that I'm reading a book on how to train your children to obey and feeling very insufficient in my technique and follow-through these days. It's an awesome book, don't get me wrong, and I'm really excited about implementing its principles. However, I haven't finished yet, so I feel like I'm kind of stuck in Purgatory or something b/c I'm half-informed and half-clueless. But I have read enough to know that children need to obey WITHOUT having to know WHY. This is something I wholeheartedly agree with. Hence the volcano eruption when they demanded a reason for my "order".
Did I mention that this parenting thing kicks my butt? People say age brings wisdom, and boy, is it true. Reading this book ("What the Bible Says About Child Training" by J. Richard Fugate) is causing me to have all kinds of flash-backs about times growing up when I would deliberately disobey my parents or throw fits or talk-back in disrespect. I found myself in deep repentence the other night when I was nodding off to sleep. "Foolishness is bound up in the heart of a child, but the rod of correction will drive it far from him." (in Proverbs somewhere) Interesting thing is, I don't think I really ever learned to submit to authority until I was in my late twenties. I had plenty of experiences with "the rod of correction" as a child, but the rebel inside didn't lay down until I finally matured enough to see the blessing that comes from submitting to the authority that God has placed in your life. It was actually my first "real" job that taught me this.
Anyhoo, I'm kind of digressing into random musings now, but here's something I'm thankful for: times of separation from our kids. My mom graciously took the little girls with her for an hour while the older two, the baby, and I headed to swimming lessons. Sitting on the half-wall watching my kids with their instructors, splashing around in the water and learning a healthy respect for it, I was filled with love again for these little offspring of mine. And I was thankful for the distance between us, thankful for the space that allows me to step outside of the situation and just appreciate them for the little individuals they are. And now, I'm ready to be close to them again, ready for all of us to rub and bump against each other, embracing the tender moments and bracing myself for the ones that cause friction.
Monday, July 20, 2009
Make That a "FIVE Ring Circus"
That's how I refer to my household these days...five-ring, being M, age 8, J, age 6, A, age 4, S, age 2, and J, age 3 months. Whew - I'm exhausted from just typing it!
So I can't make any promises, but I think I'll start blogging again. I think it helps me keep the right perspective on this parenting thing. Not like I have any "readers" or anything, but who cares...it's definitely theraputic for me. And now I'm trying to NOT turn to sugar or caffeine to remain "pleasant" or even "normal" anymore, so writing will hopefully help me process and vent.
That said, I'll jump right in! The kids and I were bumming around the house tonight while Jer worked late, one of them already in bed, and I just had this burst of energy and determination that I needed to get my lazy butt off the couch and go walking. So we did, all 6 of us, and let me add that it was a most dangerous attempt, seeing as I was severely outnumbered. But we did it, and with only a tiny meltdown upon loading. (My 2 year old currently resists being strapped into her carseat and has also started spitting like a camel...need I say more?) After that, it was smooth sailing ahead!
I had the youngest two in the double stroller and the other 3 were having a great time racing each other around the walking trail. However, the most phenomenal thing happened during one of these races! My little four year old, who is very petite and still wears a size 2T, took off running...and kept on going! She was like Forrest Gump or something, just running like the wind. It was hilarious seeing a tiny little person, outfitted in pink shorts, pink shoes, and a pink shirt, just running so far and so fast on such short legs! Amazing! Who knew?! I had no clue my tiny girl had such endurance. She wowed us all - we were laughing hysterically because none of us could catch up with her. Then, to top it off, when we got home, I sprayed the kids down with the hose before sending them up to bed. Don't get me wrong...we had plenty of arguing and sibling spats interspersed with our lovely evening, but surely this will be one of the memories we talk about for years to come!
So I can't make any promises, but I think I'll start blogging again. I think it helps me keep the right perspective on this parenting thing. Not like I have any "readers" or anything, but who cares...it's definitely theraputic for me. And now I'm trying to NOT turn to sugar or caffeine to remain "pleasant" or even "normal" anymore, so writing will hopefully help me process and vent.
That said, I'll jump right in! The kids and I were bumming around the house tonight while Jer worked late, one of them already in bed, and I just had this burst of energy and determination that I needed to get my lazy butt off the couch and go walking. So we did, all 6 of us, and let me add that it was a most dangerous attempt, seeing as I was severely outnumbered. But we did it, and with only a tiny meltdown upon loading. (My 2 year old currently resists being strapped into her carseat and has also started spitting like a camel...need I say more?) After that, it was smooth sailing ahead!
I had the youngest two in the double stroller and the other 3 were having a great time racing each other around the walking trail. However, the most phenomenal thing happened during one of these races! My little four year old, who is very petite and still wears a size 2T, took off running...and kept on going! She was like Forrest Gump or something, just running like the wind. It was hilarious seeing a tiny little person, outfitted in pink shorts, pink shoes, and a pink shirt, just running so far and so fast on such short legs! Amazing! Who knew?! I had no clue my tiny girl had such endurance. She wowed us all - we were laughing hysterically because none of us could catch up with her. Then, to top it off, when we got home, I sprayed the kids down with the hose before sending them up to bed. Don't get me wrong...we had plenty of arguing and sibling spats interspersed with our lovely evening, but surely this will be one of the memories we talk about for years to come!
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