Till We Have Faces

Has anyone read TILL WE HAVE FACES by C.S. Lewis? I just finished it, and man, I LOVED it, but my brain hurts! I feel like one of the main points of the book is the definition of true love, love that is self-sacrificing and love that wants the absolute best for the one who is loved, even if it hurts the one who loves. Pretty intense.

It relates to a thousand other truths in life, but also to this journey of parenthood. I've been realizing more and more that love down here on earth just pales in comparison to real love...to Real Love, the person. Our meager offerings of love and devotion and commitment...how weak they are, how self-centered, and how tainted, regardless of how pure we think they be.

Can't write more right now...baby screaming.

GRIT AND GRACE

So I think I've finally figured out what frustrates me the most sometimes. I'm sure there are countless emotions contributing to the "cranky mommy" state, but here's one I think I've finally singled out. It's the feeling of waking up hopeful, but then realizing that the day is not your own. Realizing that no matter how badly you want to jump in the car and just go shopping or drive around town or, really, insert ANY goal into this equation, that I am at the mercy of the little people who live in my house. I'll wake up in a good mood, birds are singing, sun is shining, there may even be a bluebird somewhere around my shoulder. But oh so quickly, the sun goes behind the cloud, the birds fly off, and the rain comes down. This can be the result of extremely loud fighting, squawking, screeching, and crying. When this happens, I just shut down inside, and it's such a defeating feeling because it's like I'm trying SO hard to hold on to peace and to being a "happy Mommy", but it constantly eludes me. I don't know...maybe better moms could maintain their sense of peace and cheerfulness in the middle of ear-splitting fights and screeches, but me, I just lose it! It just BOTHERS me - it gets under my skin - it INFURIATES me! And then add to that constant butting up against your requests and arguing and slowness in obeying, and MAN, it's 9am and Mommy is thoroughly pissed.

I had grand hopes for the day. Woke up to sunshine, which always fills me with hope. Made pancakes, bacon, eggs for breakfast. But halfway through the cooking, Mommy's mood went south. Oh, I so long for the days when I could maintain a pleasant attitude ALL DAY! What the heck?!!! What happened to me? What happened to that bubbly teenager who was always smiling and laughing? SIGH. Maybe I'm being unrealistic. Growing up is hard to do, for sure. And sometimes, I tell myself, "You know, ANY adult would be annoyed by this. NO ONE likes it when someone screams in their ear. NO ONE likes to be argued with when they tell someone to do something. NO ONE likes it when someone is hurting someone else for the heck of it. It's normal and natural to feel this way!" But then I wonder, how do all these other moms maintain sanity? Maybe I'm all alone on this "it sucks sometimes to be a Mommy" island. And if I'm alone, then by golly, I might as well hang up some decorations and make this place my own. Because I'm going to be honest about it. This parenting thing, it's hard.

Sure, there's the voice telling me to just suck it up and deal with it. To get over myself. No one said that parenting was easy. That this is where I am in life and this is what I've chosen. And granted, that voice has some value. But if for no other reason than to clarify my emotions, I need to vent, to just be able to say it and get it out of my head so I can address it, say "yeah, you're right, Erin...it's hard." And move on.

I guess, if nothing else, I know that my Father hears these cries and agonies of my heart. And maybe it's all just a part of dying to yourself, of truly living selflessly. I know that's good for me, but I sure don't come by it naturally, and I sure don't like it! :)

I love my kids. I am so thankful that I have them. But sometimes, being their mother really kicks my butt. That's probably part of God's plan for my life...I need some butt-kicking because I grew up spoiled and selfish and territorial. I grew up feeling entitled and unrestrained. And He's given me these little ones not only to bless me, which they do, but also to teach me how to be more like Him. To love when I don't feel like it, to love by sticking it out and just persevering through the hard stuff by sheer grit. Grit...and grace. Boy, do I need a lot of grace! I think I have a new mantra...

Oh, For Solitude!

So it's one of those days. One of those days when you don't want your kids to touch you. At all. Or come near you. Or breathe on you. Or talk to you. Yep...THOSE days.

It all started with a crazy Sunday. Maybe I had too many sweets the night before - not sure. But all I know is I was extremely aggressive all day yesterday. Today, waking up hoping to get some respite by only having to deal with my three younger children, I actually had to repeat Sunday all over again, minus the brief interludes that church provides and minus helpful husband. M & J stayed home from school, and they both, yep both, have strep throat. Hello, five children. These are the times I'm feeling it!

Because my 2 older kids are home, my 2 and 4 year olds didn't sleep during naptime today. AT ALL. Not to mention that b/c of the time change, every freaking person in the family was awake at the crack of dawn. Currently, my 2 year old is climbing all over me, and I really am recoiling, although she has no clue. Score one for patience. At least she doesn't know. But boy, my skin is crawling, and I just want space and quiet and to NOT be touched!

Sheesh. What a day. I think I'm going to ask hubby for a long night at the bookstore tonight. SOMETHING'S gotta give!

Maybe I'll have a better post later, but for now, it's just...raw!

Not-so-joyful Noises

Note to Self: When baby is learning to "cry it out", installing a door on his room is imperative. Otherwise, beloved baby's cries sound like fingernails on a chalkboard...especially when the rest of the family (including Mommy) is trying to sleep.

After convincing myself that baby really was fine and would eventually stop crying, I miraculously dozed off into slumber, only to hear 4-year-old sneaking the markers out of the craft drawer. I raised my hand and snapped as loudly as I could and did some angry pointing back towards her room, and it must have worked, because yet again, Mommy somehow went back to dozing.

These are the things, I've noticed, that make for a cranky mommy. Earlier today, 4-year-old and 2-year-old beloved daughters were loudly singing some kind of "bang banga bang" song at the dinner table, and I found my head starting to pound along with their incessant chanting. My tone of voice got a little shorter, and my instructions quite snippy. I was able to step away from the situation mentally and convinced myself that I wasn't a beast for feeling this way. I pictured some of the adults I know, random adults that don't have children, and I pictured them sitting at this table with me, and clearly, they were as annoyed as I was. Yes...it is annoying to the adult ear to hear loud repetition of otoematpias (or however you spell that word). This would get on even the kindest person's nerves, I'm sure of it. BUT...I told myself...NAPTIME is sweet respite from noise, so if you, Mommy, can just endure a little bit longer, peace will come.

But did I mention beloved baby's screaming? Sigh!

Fullness of Joy

So after posting my "Blue Sky Blues" on Saturday, I took action. I got a can of Dr. Pepper out of the fridge, grabbed Jeremy's guitar, and went and sat outside on the porch while my kids were finishing naptime. Then, when my littles woke up, we went to the lake and met up with the rest of the family, and had a truly glorious evening! We were all out on this floating dock, all 7 of us, and my poor youngest were constantly getting barked at to sit on their rumps and stay put in the very center of the dock. But, barking aside, we had a great time of pointing out clouds, watching a crane who was perched in a dead tree, and analyzing every little detail of some fisherman who had decided to load his boat right beside us. Poor guy - he probably wasn't prepared at all for the reality-star he would become as we discussed his every move.
While the big boys (older son & daddy) fished a little longer into the evening, the girls and baby boy and I went for a little stroll around the lake. It was such a beautifully wonderful weather day, and, thank You, Jesus!, I actually got to enjoy it. And I have to say I really enjoyed my family, too. It's been a great weekend of family-ness, honestly. Saturday was great, and then Sunday morning, we woke up too late to make it to the church service we usually go to, so we decided to have family-church at home. Jer lead worship, I led the lesson, and it actually was really good! Our theme was "it's God's KINDNESS that leads us to repentence." I think the kids actually "got" it, what with my dramatization that involved tying my daughter to a chair (representing how seemingly "little" sins can actually end up making us prisoners). Maybe this chair routine can come into play a little more...say, when the kids are hyper-crazy after school...hmmm. Okay, obviously kidding, but...hey. So then, Sunday evening, we were supposed to go to an outreach at the park that our Lifegroup was doing, but we were running late for that, too (surprise, surprise), so when we headed that direction but realized we were over an hour late, we ditched the whole plan and ended up at the Dam. We then had a really awesome walk along the dam as a family. Yes, the "dam walk". (Makes me laugh every time!)
I had lunch with a great friend today (Erin Ivy!), and she was quick to encourage me that this hard stuff of parenting is only for a season, and as Darius Rucker sings in his current radio-hit, "It won't be like this for long. These days are gonna fly by." So I'm feeling very full, full of thankfulness for these children I have and the wonderful husband that gave them to me. And the beautiful Father who put it all together. Good days, bad days...I have plenty of both. But, wow - what a great weekend! Oh, and we had BBQ for supper...and hubby got me my fave ice cream as a surpise! Now did I mention I could do without the extra calories? But I'm thankful - so thankful. Besides...I think I've mentioned it before...but if God can give me DoubleTree chocolate chip cookies, surely some ice cream every now and then isn't such a bad thing! (I'll save the cookie story for another day)

The Blue Sky Blues

It's a beautiful Saturday. After a week of rain, the clouds have cleared and the sun is shining. We've had a great morning of blackberry pancakes, sausage, eggs, and family togetherness. I'm thankful. But now, Jeremy is off for some much-needed (and long-in-coming) fishing, and I'm sighing because I would so love to go with him. Thankfully, he's taking the older 2 kids with him, bless his heart, so my littles are just now down for a nap and I'll have some alone-time. That's nice, for sure. But I can't help feeling a bit sorry for myself because I remember the time (aka "the largest part of my life") when I could go outside every day whenever I wanted to. That might sound silly...but I've always been the kind of "kid" who needed to "go out" every day. I remember being in school (elementary and Jr. High)"stuck" in a class and wistfully looking out the window at the sun and wanting so desperately to be in it. When I went to high school, I was truly downhearted to learn that none of the classrooms had windows...there were windows in the common areas, but not in the classrooms,and I wondered how I would cope. If too long passed before I got to go outside, I would start to get really down. I remember in high school that sometimes, I would just run outside in between classes in hopes of reviving my downcast state with some much-needed Vitamin D.
So here I am, in a home with, literally, 40 windows, and I feel trapped in it. I always talk about how the house holds me prisoner sometimes. Not really, but because there are so many children and getting "out and about" with them is no easy task, I usually just give up and give in and STAY in. Ugh. I've noticed about myself, as well, that I don't feel so much of the longing to go outside anymore. It's like I've become accustomed to this cave. And sometimes, I pull the curtains shut...almost like I'm shielding myself from the rest of the world. Probably not that great of a thing to do. Probably a mild depression going on there. But my true self fights for hope and for light and for freedom...for running wild in a field of dandelions, for driving down the interstate with my windows down, or at least for sitting on a bench at a playground while my monkeys monkey around.
Today, the longing is back. I want to be free, to be outside, to walk around wherever I want, to drive wherever I want. To not have to think of anyone but myself. To not have to buckle a carseat or yell at a kid who's making loud noises and breaking my daydreaming. Sigh. But I'm telling myself that one day, one day, I'll have plenty of opportunities to take advantage of a beautiful day. And meanwhile, I'm going to try to be thankful, thankful that I have carseats to buckle and kids to yell at. :) And besides...maybe I can talk hubby into heading to a pumpkin patch after naptime. See...there's always hope! :)

Everyday Mercies

So regarding my last blog about the toothbrushing, let me just say that God is good and He is merciful! We went to the dentist last week (all children with teeth, anyway), and of all of them, here's what he said about the two-year-old toothbrush-toilet-dipper..."Her teeth are pristine!". Seriously?! I just had this overwhelming sense of God's grace envelop me when he said that. Just this sense that God is so much more loving and so much more good than we could ever comprehend, or, moreoever, ever deserve. I know it might sound silly when talking about the state of my kids' teeth, but it's true. I was deeply impacted.

Maybe it's because one of my prayers has always been that God would "fill in the gaps" in all the areas where my weaknesses or failures have made holes. Holes in my parenting, holes in the way I love my kids, holes in the way I take care of them. It's hard enough to do it right with just one child, let alone five. I realize this and am often paralyzed by the thought of it. And my heart just utters a feeble, "Help, Lord!".

One of the verses God gave me when I found out I was pregnant with my sweet #5 was in Isaiah where it talks about how "even the youth will grow tired and weary, but those who wait on the Lord will have renewed strength." I'm older now and have less energy, but I felt like God was promising me that if I'd look to Him, "His right hand will uphold me", as it says in Psalms. That He will be my strength. And His strength, coupled with a thousand other aspects of His character but mostly His grace, will take care of my kids and cover over all the mistakes and all the ways I fall short in my parenting.

Little did the dentist know that his announcement would write itself upon my heart!