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There are so many times when I feel things as a Mom that I wonder "Does anyone else feel this way?" This leads me to googling different aspects of motherhood, usually things like "angry mommy, cranky mommy, etc." It's sometimes hard to find things written by other mothers that mirror my emotions, so I thought, hey, what the heck, I'd start a blog. Maybe it'll only help me as I vent, or maybe at least one other person will read it and go "yeah, that's me!" and we can walk on, each of us refreshed, knowing that we're not alone in this.

Sunday, October 7, 2007

Back to That Raw Stuff

So I looked back at my previous posts, and, since I'm only posting when I'm having Mommy issues, it seems this happens about once a week. This weekend has been kind of funky, though. Don't know why, but the past few days, I've been in a weird funk. Like, back to where I was when I was always annoyed with my kids and thinking of them as more of a burden than a blessing. Sigh. My hubby had to work all day yesterday - Saturday - so that probably didn't help that I was on my own. However, I did get to put my kids down for a nap at my parents house and run to the bookstore by myself for about an hour and a half. That was a huge blessing!
Anyhoo, the sermon at church today was about honoring our parents. And our pastor mentioned some things from his past about growing up with a mother that was unstable and "adversarial" (his nice way of saying it, but i'm sure it was rough) at times, and I kept thinking, "Oh, Lord, please don't let my kids remember me this way." Because I certainly know that I can be unstable and "adversarial", although probably not to the extent that his mother was, but, boy, no doubt I am completely capable of being worse than I ever dreamed of. And it's like my kids can sense this hesitancy - this fear. The past few days, they've been yelling "I am so mad at you!" and expressing their frustration with me, and on one hand, I understand, so I didn't reprimand them for complaining, but on the other hand, I know that every time they're allowed to yell like that at me, they lose respect for me and gain a little more ground in this battle of the wills. After talking with my husband, I now realize that I can't let them treat me like that - that it's okay to be frustrated, but they need to deal with it in a calm manner and not by stomping their feet and yelling. Most importantly, they need to be respectful. But I feel like such a hypocrite because I yell all the time. I get frustrated all the time, and I throw these little temper tantrums. So how can I require them to not be any different? It's like the whole, "No, you cannot have ice cream every night after dinner!" while I sweep them off to bed so that I can dig into my pint in the freezer. I mean, if I let them give in to all my vices, they'd be totally screwed up by age 14 and incredibly overweight. So I can't let them do it, because I love them and want what's best for them. And I realize that when they are old enough to make their own choices, they may repeat my many sins. But I guess I can just hope and pray that they will see the ill results of them in my life and long to be better.
You know, it's hard being a parent. It's the hardest thing I've ever done. I hear my daughter telling my son "I need space!" or "Ugh...you're making my head hurt by all that talking." and it's so ugly...and we all know where she hears those phrases. Me.
And by the way, while I'm confessing things, here's another one: I don't know what I'm doing. I really don't. I don't know how to do this parenting thing! I don't really know what's best for my kids, or which rules to stick with and which ones are unfair. I don't know who is right when they're fighting, and sometimes, I don't care. I don't want to always have to be the judge or the lawgiver. But here I sit in my lofty chair, trying to balance the legislative, judicial, and executive branches. AAAAAAAAAH! Sometimes, when my kids are looking to me to make a decision, and when I'm on the verge of all hell breaking loose and I need to regain control, I just want to lay down on the floor and curl up in a fetal position. I'm just a little girl - I'm a child - and here I am, the oldest I've ever been in my life, and feeling, at times, less and less competent in my parenting. I mean, I had two preschoolers when I was 25, and there were plenty of foolish mistakes, but, still. That's nothing compared to FOUR needy, clamoring lives that are depending on me to hold it together and shepherd them in a wise and stable way!
I guess this is why the Bible says that "He tenderly leads those that have young." I need to be led. I need the perfect Father to shepherd me and these little ones. I need a strong arm to be there when I just want to give in and not care that my son spit at my daughter or that my daughter has a rotten attitude. I need someone to lean on when my baby and my toddler are crying at the same time and both need to be held. And I NEED TO BE HELD! I NEED TO BE CARRIED! Surely God's heart has a special place for His mommies. Surely there is a special place in his arms for us. My prayer, Lord Jesus, is that You would lead me beside quiet waters...and restore my soul.

Friday, October 5, 2007

Hard Day

TGIF. I've been having such a great time with the kids that I've forgotten what a "hard day" looks like. But today brings it all back! I should have known it might be tricky b/c a friend of mine called this morning, right when we would normally be doing school, and it got me all off track. I was helping her with something, and the kids, sensing my preoccupation, slowly progressed to "out of control." I was only involved with her for about 15 minutes, but in that time period, all control went out the window and they were going crazy! It's so interesting how they sense when you are distracted and take full advantage of it. It's so frustrating! It took about 30 minutes for me to regain control and get things back to being peaceful! I don't know if it's because it's the end of the week, or because I'm feeling light-headed and having caffeine withdrawal, but my patience is thin and I'm really wishing to be by myself this morning. Sigh. The all-too-familiar feelings of motherhood that I'm not proud of. I was reading them a book this morning, and while my mouth was saying the words, my thoughts were elsewhere. I'm amazed by this ability - I'm sure I'm not the only one. But I was already planning how I was going to swing by the local coffee shop and get a frozen cappuccino. "I could call ahead, leave the kids in the car for a few seconds if I park right in front of the door, and then run in, grab my drug, and be on my way to a better mood!" Very tempting. I just might do it. I mean, the fact that I am trying to lose weight and will have to work out tonight for an hour just to burn off HALF of that drink is a small matter compared to the option of being in a good mood and not being so irritable. I rationalized to myself that maybe this is why mommies are so often "fluffy"...because we NEEEEEED these little pick-me-up's in order to maintain sanity. I'm thinking, "You know, I'll just try to lose this weight when my kids are older...when they're not so trying and when I won't NEED caffeine so badly." Sigh. What's the answer? I don't know. But I'll be honest...I'm headed to the coffee shop!