He Makes Me Lie Down in Green Pastures

So today, while driving the kids to the museum, I realized that perhaps it's been awhile since I've had some "me time". Sometimes, I'll be going along with this mothering thing full steam ahead, and we're having a great time, and everythings a-okay (for the most part), and I think "Nah, I'm cool...I don't need a break from this." But then, as time goes by, I start to get a little snippier with the kids. I find myself raising my voice a little too often and a little too quickly. I start finding myself more easily irritated by silly kid things that shouldn't be so annoying to me. And the final clencher, the big indicator that Mommy needs some alone time to focus on being an individual and not a mother, is that I start feeling trapped in this lifestyle and like these kids are cramping my style.

Yeah, I always promised that this blog would be honest and raw, so there you have it.

It's funny...you more often hear of daddies wanting to run away from their households, not mommies. Although maybe it's more common than we know. But sometimes, I just want to deposit my kids somewhere safe, where they'll be loved and taken care of (like with their daddy), and just head out on the open road. Let go of this domestic life, shake off these "chains" I've willingly saddled myself with, and get back in touch with who I am as a person. What IS "my style", after all?

For the record, my husband is awesome at letting me get alone time when I need it. I guess the problem is with me...I just think I don't need the time, and then I don't take it, and then...uh-oh...Mommy's not doing so well. Can anyone say "self-sabotage"?!

I. Need. Space.

Granted, life as a parent is all about sacrifice. It's about laying down your life for not only your spouse but also your children. We often don't get a chance to just step away of our responsibilities for awhile. And don't get me wrong, I've got a lot of help in that regard. My parents are such a blessing - they often babysit for us. And two weeks ago, we took a week-long trip away from the crew (although we had the baby with us), and that was good and hard, all at the same time. (I think that's TOO much "space"...I missed my kiddos so badly!) But sometimes, sometimes, a person needs time alone. A-L-O-N-E. Time to reconnect with our inner selves. Time to refocus on what our life is about. Time to talk to Jesus and listen to what He says.

Maybe the solution here is me getting myself out of bed earlier in the morning and getting quiet time every day. I KNOW that would be helpful. But...oh, so pathetic, I know...I'm so tired! And I have to confess, I DO stay up late, because that's time to get stuff done without the kids around! Time with husband, time for work, time for other stuff.

Blah. Maybe I'm complaining too much. But, regardless, I sense that all is not well on the inside, and something's gotta give. I think I'll be headed somewhere on my own sometime soon. A coffee shop. A bookstore. A mini-roadtrip. Time to renew, time to refresh. I love this team of people I'm traveling with, but sometimes, this girl needs to break away from the path and "lay down in green pastures." Moo.