Pursuit of Peace

So I woke up when the husband and big kids left for work/school today. "This is great!", I thought to myself. "The house is quiet. I'll get up now and have some quiet time before my littles wake up, and then I can really spend time with them when they wake up instead of trying to get some alone time then! Wonderful!" Except I had literally been awake 7 minutes when the little girls woke up. One of them is already throwing the loudest fit this side of Oklahoma. My heart is pounding and my blood is boiling and I feel like I've got my fingernails dug into peace and am trying to hold on to it by the skin of my teeth. What does the Bible say...something about "seek peace and pursue it"? Maybe that's because living in peace (and being AT peace) is harder than it seems. It doesn't just happen to you...at least not when you have small children. On another note, that verse in Psalms that says "how good, how pleasant it is when brothers live together in unity (peace)" has taken on a whole new meaning in my life. I get it. I TOTALLY get it now.

You know, usually, I wake up and I think about my day and I kind of formulate a plan. I'm a planner...I like to have a "to do" list and a loose schedule. (although a tight schedule is my favorite, but i've learned that's not possible anymore) And maybe I'm growing in this motherhood thing, because THIS morning, after I made my plan, I then admitted to myself that the likelihood of my plan happening is about 50%, and that I just need to let it go and hope for the best. So that's what I'm doing. Hey...there's still a 50% chance I'll get something done today that's on my list. Not bad odds! Not preferable, but not deplorable, either.

On another note, I've been noticing lately (as in, the past couple years) my affinity for variety. This is a good thing sometimes, but usually, it fleshes itself out more in the lack of discipline category, as in "I'll do something for awhile, but then get tired of it and quit." My consistency meter usually peters out after a few weeks/months. But I've also noticed how many ups and downs life has. I mean, I'll be doing great - great! - with different challenges/routines in my life, and then a blow will come, or maybe I'll just get bored with it - and I'm off the path again. And I was thinking about this little tree I have. We inherited it when it was just a stalk sticking out of a big planter/pot thingy. We didn't know what kind of tree it was or if it was alive or dead or what, but we stuck it in the sun and watered it. Well, come spring, we were overjoyed to find it starting to grow leaves. Amazing! Seriously - this was a huge highlight of my spring! I was filled with such hope as this little tree began to grow leaf after leaf after beautiful green leaf! It was fruitful and full of life! It was such an inspiration to me of hope and perseverance. Everytime I looked at it, the spring in my step increased.

But then...a few weeks ago...we had some uncharacteristicly cold weather. I forgot about our little tree being affected by this, and come morning, every one of those long, beautiful leaves were wilted. They hung straight down - totally limp - totally dead. I scooted the tree around the yard all day the next day so it could have direct sunlight, but alas, it still hung limp. I then brought the tree inside and put my coat over it in hopes of keeping it warm, but it was too late. One night's freeze and all that life was gone. I am still so, so sad about this. How quickly life can be snuffed out! I'm sure there are deeper metaphors here, but the one I want to focus on is the thousands of little deaths that happen to us in our lifetimes. We go through seasons...winter often the hardest, naturally. No signs of life. Then suddenly, boom, leaves and green and growth! But when we're not looking - we let our guard down - and then death, again. And had I taken care of this tree better, it would probably have made it through the cold - dormant - but would spring to life again as temperatures increased. It just reminds me of the many victories and defeats that make up my life, particularly in this journey of motherhood.

So here I sit...the house is quiet again. I'm guessing my littles succombed to the toastiness of their beds and the darkness of the house. My moment of annoyance and frustration has passed - defeat - and now I'm at peace again - victory!

But here's the goal, here's the goal: To have a peace that isn't based on circumstances. And that - THAT - comes in the form of a person. So now, I'm going to get off of this blog and seek Him, who sets my soul truly at rest, who "leads me beside quiet waters", who "restores my soul".