The Blessing of Space

So back to my normal confessions and rants...

Today started off with the normal amount of frenzy. Kids woke me up with a "Mommy, it's some time after 8!" My son was all dressed for swimming lessons, which didn't start until 11, and he's in a panic and asking me if he has to take a nap today. Not my favorite way of waking up, to say the least. I stumbled to the kitchen to try and down a cup of coffee to get my brain functioning, meanwhile fielding multiple requests and panicked questions about the day. Sighhhhh. Then I went into our office, where my husband had written a snarky note to me about the state of our finances and my seemingly utter disregard for poverty. I, being the "clueless by choice" spender of the family, quickly threw clothes on, ordered the kids out the door, and sped to the bank to deposit some hoarded cash and to return a couple of purchases so we'd have some operating money this week. Sighhhhh.

By the time we got back to the house, we're all hungry, kids are whiny, and I was previously only able to swallow 2/3 of my coffee, so let's just say that no one's at their best. Especially me. I get breakfast made and sit everyone down at the table, then I retreat to the office to nurse the baby, surf "help for cranky mommies" websites, and eat eggs and toast one-handed.

At this point, the kids are finishing breakfast and starting to fight with each other. I head back to the dining room to break up the fight between the 2 & 4 year olds, and suddenly realize I'm about to snap. Can't quite put my finger on why, but it's about to happen, so I decide I need to "divide and conquer." I shoo everyone into their rooms to sit on their beds for the remaining 15 minutes until departure time so I can have some time to gear up and plan our day in peace. Unfortunately, my children haven't yet been successfully trained to "obey quicky, cheerfully, and completely" (a mantra you'll hear a lot around our house), so the brakes go on, they demand a "why", and I lose it. That's right...I snapped. I screamed at the top of my lungs "Because I said so, dammit!" Sighhhh. Kids-0, Mommy-0, Anger-1. Everybody loses.

I can't figure out what put me in such a funk this morning. I think part of it was the fact that I'm reading a book on how to train your children to obey and feeling very insufficient in my technique and follow-through these days. It's an awesome book, don't get me wrong, and I'm really excited about implementing its principles. However, I haven't finished yet, so I feel like I'm kind of stuck in Purgatory or something b/c I'm half-informed and half-clueless. But I have read enough to know that children need to obey WITHOUT having to know WHY. This is something I wholeheartedly agree with. Hence the volcano eruption when they demanded a reason for my "order".

Did I mention that this parenting thing kicks my butt? People say age brings wisdom, and boy, is it true. Reading this book ("What the Bible Says About Child Training" by J. Richard Fugate) is causing me to have all kinds of flash-backs about times growing up when I would deliberately disobey my parents or throw fits or talk-back in disrespect. I found myself in deep repentence the other night when I was nodding off to sleep. "Foolishness is bound up in the heart of a child, but the rod of correction will drive it far from him." (in Proverbs somewhere) Interesting thing is, I don't think I really ever learned to submit to authority until I was in my late twenties. I had plenty of experiences with "the rod of correction" as a child, but the rebel inside didn't lay down until I finally matured enough to see the blessing that comes from submitting to the authority that God has placed in your life. It was actually my first "real" job that taught me this.

Anyhoo, I'm kind of digressing into random musings now, but here's something I'm thankful for: times of separation from our kids. My mom graciously took the little girls with her for an hour while the older two, the baby, and I headed to swimming lessons. Sitting on the half-wall watching my kids with their instructors, splashing around in the water and learning a healthy respect for it, I was filled with love again for these little offspring of mine. And I was thankful for the distance between us, thankful for the space that allows me to step outside of the situation and just appreciate them for the little individuals they are. And now, I'm ready to be close to them again, ready for all of us to rub and bump against each other, embracing the tender moments and bracing myself for the ones that cause friction.