So It's Been Awhile

Sorry, anyone who checks in on my blog...I'm pretty bad about remembering to come vent here. I owe you one! So here you go:

(This was written the other day while my kids played at the park and I stewed on the bench)
What is WRONG with me?! It's like, I KNOW we all function better when we go to a park or outside every day. But every now and then, I say "no" when my kids ask if we can go just because I don't want them to think they're "running the show." How retarded is THAT?! Usually ,when I get like that, I'm already really annoyed with my kids, and my stupid decision just exacerbates the problem. But they're KIDS! They NEED to get out and play every day! I firmly believe this! So what is my deal?! I'm an idiot!
My oldest sister commented on one of my postings that what helped her (the mother of 4, who are now mostly grown) was to step back from the situation and try to see it from an uninvolved outsider's perspective, instead of reacting in the heat of the moment. Like right now, for instance. After a stressful and failure-of-a-morning, we're at the park. It changes EVERYTHING! The sun feels so good - SO GOOD - on my skin, and the fresh air is healing. It reminds me of everything good and happy, every fond memory growing up and every hope of happy times to come. But I'm trying to write while the kids play, and I've got a very whiny, clingy two-year-old in my arms. Ugh. She's been so needy lately, and, I confess, it's driving me crazy. I'm ashamed to say it, but the last thing I want to do right now is hold her. I'm like, "Hey, Baby, why don't you go play with your sister and brother? Look! You want to go slide?! Ooooh, why don't you go slide?! Mommy needs space right now..." But, my irritation (and selfishness) aside, at least she's lightweight. It would really stink if she were like my other kids and in the 95th percentile for her age. That would be annoying and physically taxing. So there's something to be thankful for. How horrible am I?!

So, that said, here are some things I'm going to post around my house - some much-needed reminders of how to maintain as much peace as possible with my four-ring circus:

1) GO OUTSIDE EVERY DAY!
2) BE THANKFUL
3) RE-EVALUATE YOUR GOALS (and change them if they're leading to constand frustration)
4) A BROKEN, SURRENDERED LIFE SMELLS THE SWEETEST

He Sees Me

So I’ve only been awake about 15 minutes, but already, it’s been a hard morning. Judah & Maddy got up before they’re supposed to and were out of their beds, even though they KNOW the rule is that they can’t get up until 8:00. SIGH. I was/am so discouraged that they just seem to not care about the rules or the consequences. And I was overwhelmed and not even wanting to deal with it, but knowing I had to.

So I sat down with my Bible, and said, “Father, help me! I need to look up some verses on discipline or something, but I don’t have any idea where to find them.” And I felt like He said to look up Proverbs 22:15. I was like, well, okay, I guess it doesn’t hurt to try. So I did, and GUESS WHICH VERSE IT IS?!

“Folly is bound up in the heart of a child, but the rod of discipline will drive it far from him.”

I am both so encouraged and yet kind of in shock…I mean, one part of me is not surprised at all by this, but the other side…the tiny glimpse of revelation that He really does see me…that part, I’m trying to process! Oh, I know, I know, He sees me, but do I KNOW He sees me? That He's here with me, that He understands how frustrating rebellious children can be, that He wants to guide me so that I can shepherd these little people! That’s so encouraging! I am not alone in this! He is with me! As the Psalmist says, “Selah.” Let’s pause and think about this a moment.

Revelation at St.Arbucks

So I took my oldest daughter, age 6, to Starbucks tonight for some much-needed one-on-one time together. We sat at a table outside, where she enjoyed a hot chocolate and I sipped on a nonfat (yep, I'm actually losing weight!) carmel macchiato. I mostly just sat and marveled at what a cute daughter I have as she chatted incessantly about everything from the number of children she wants to have (and how she would have to have a really big table to accomodate all six of them!) to how maybe we should get a convertible so we can ride around with the top down on sunny days. And, I have to say, I gave in...gave in to all of it. Gave in to the nagging reminder that I need to do this way more often, gave in to the feeling that this little girl is such a treasure and I am so lucky to have her, and gave in to her request to...dance on the sidewalk to the music being piped through the outdoor speakers. Yep, that's right...I nursed a grown-up coffee drink, post-moderns chatted at a nearby table, and my six-year-old delight danced her heart out in the cool November night. She sat sweetly and silently as I visited briefly with some old friends that I haven't seen in 8 years, and then made me laugh my head off after they left with her very original "rabbit dance". Let me just say that this dance begins with hands in front of her chest, curled up like an Easter bunny's, and ends with a very passionate rear-shaking. HILARIOUS!
Did I mention that I love this girl? I have memories of her when she was little, even as young as 8 months old, and we would get the giggles, and just laugh and laugh and laugh together. She has always had that special ability to do that to/with me. I just stood there tonight and cackled away with the kind of hearty guffaws that bring healing to your body and health to your bones! Thank You, Jesus - I am blessed!

Back to That Raw Stuff

So I looked back at my previous posts, and, since I'm only posting when I'm having Mommy issues, it seems this happens about once a week. This weekend has been kind of funky, though. Don't know why, but the past few days, I've been in a weird funk. Like, back to where I was when I was always annoyed with my kids and thinking of them as more of a burden than a blessing. Sigh. My hubby had to work all day yesterday - Saturday - so that probably didn't help that I was on my own. However, I did get to put my kids down for a nap at my parents house and run to the bookstore by myself for about an hour and a half. That was a huge blessing!
Anyhoo, the sermon at church today was about honoring our parents. And our pastor mentioned some things from his past about growing up with a mother that was unstable and "adversarial" (his nice way of saying it, but i'm sure it was rough) at times, and I kept thinking, "Oh, Lord, please don't let my kids remember me this way." Because I certainly know that I can be unstable and "adversarial", although probably not to the extent that his mother was, but, boy, no doubt I am completely capable of being worse than I ever dreamed of. And it's like my kids can sense this hesitancy - this fear. The past few days, they've been yelling "I am so mad at you!" and expressing their frustration with me, and on one hand, I understand, so I didn't reprimand them for complaining, but on the other hand, I know that every time they're allowed to yell like that at me, they lose respect for me and gain a little more ground in this battle of the wills. After talking with my husband, I now realize that I can't let them treat me like that - that it's okay to be frustrated, but they need to deal with it in a calm manner and not by stomping their feet and yelling. Most importantly, they need to be respectful. But I feel like such a hypocrite because I yell all the time. I get frustrated all the time, and I throw these little temper tantrums. So how can I require them to not be any different? It's like the whole, "No, you cannot have ice cream every night after dinner!" while I sweep them off to bed so that I can dig into my pint in the freezer. I mean, if I let them give in to all my vices, they'd be totally screwed up by age 14 and incredibly overweight. So I can't let them do it, because I love them and want what's best for them. And I realize that when they are old enough to make their own choices, they may repeat my many sins. But I guess I can just hope and pray that they will see the ill results of them in my life and long to be better.
You know, it's hard being a parent. It's the hardest thing I've ever done. I hear my daughter telling my son "I need space!" or "Ugh...you're making my head hurt by all that talking." and it's so ugly...and we all know where she hears those phrases. Me.
And by the way, while I'm confessing things, here's another one: I don't know what I'm doing. I really don't. I don't know how to do this parenting thing! I don't really know what's best for my kids, or which rules to stick with and which ones are unfair. I don't know who is right when they're fighting, and sometimes, I don't care. I don't want to always have to be the judge or the lawgiver. But here I sit in my lofty chair, trying to balance the legislative, judicial, and executive branches. AAAAAAAAAH! Sometimes, when my kids are looking to me to make a decision, and when I'm on the verge of all hell breaking loose and I need to regain control, I just want to lay down on the floor and curl up in a fetal position. I'm just a little girl - I'm a child - and here I am, the oldest I've ever been in my life, and feeling, at times, less and less competent in my parenting. I mean, I had two preschoolers when I was 25, and there were plenty of foolish mistakes, but, still. That's nothing compared to FOUR needy, clamoring lives that are depending on me to hold it together and shepherd them in a wise and stable way!
I guess this is why the Bible says that "He tenderly leads those that have young." I need to be led. I need the perfect Father to shepherd me and these little ones. I need a strong arm to be there when I just want to give in and not care that my son spit at my daughter or that my daughter has a rotten attitude. I need someone to lean on when my baby and my toddler are crying at the same time and both need to be held. And I NEED TO BE HELD! I NEED TO BE CARRIED! Surely God's heart has a special place for His mommies. Surely there is a special place in his arms for us. My prayer, Lord Jesus, is that You would lead me beside quiet waters...and restore my soul.

Hard Day

TGIF. I've been having such a great time with the kids that I've forgotten what a "hard day" looks like. But today brings it all back! I should have known it might be tricky b/c a friend of mine called this morning, right when we would normally be doing school, and it got me all off track. I was helping her with something, and the kids, sensing my preoccupation, slowly progressed to "out of control." I was only involved with her for about 15 minutes, but in that time period, all control went out the window and they were going crazy! It's so interesting how they sense when you are distracted and take full advantage of it. It's so frustrating! It took about 30 minutes for me to regain control and get things back to being peaceful! I don't know if it's because it's the end of the week, or because I'm feeling light-headed and having caffeine withdrawal, but my patience is thin and I'm really wishing to be by myself this morning. Sigh. The all-too-familiar feelings of motherhood that I'm not proud of. I was reading them a book this morning, and while my mouth was saying the words, my thoughts were elsewhere. I'm amazed by this ability - I'm sure I'm not the only one. But I was already planning how I was going to swing by the local coffee shop and get a frozen cappuccino. "I could call ahead, leave the kids in the car for a few seconds if I park right in front of the door, and then run in, grab my drug, and be on my way to a better mood!" Very tempting. I just might do it. I mean, the fact that I am trying to lose weight and will have to work out tonight for an hour just to burn off HALF of that drink is a small matter compared to the option of being in a good mood and not being so irritable. I rationalized to myself that maybe this is why mommies are so often "fluffy"...because we NEEEEEED these little pick-me-up's in order to maintain sanity. I'm thinking, "You know, I'll just try to lose this weight when my kids are older...when they're not so trying and when I won't NEED caffeine so badly." Sigh. What's the answer? I don't know. But I'll be honest...I'm headed to the coffee shop!

Here We Go!

Well, today is my second day of being thirty. So far, so good! Yesterday was a great day - my mom watched the kids all afternoon, so I got to laze around town - I read a whole book in Barnes and Noble...without purchasing it! Ah, the life! And my sweet sister had all of her friends e-mail me birthday wishes, which was awesome.

But now...back to the mommyhood stuff. I've noticed that my kids seem to sense when I am distracted and when there's stuff that I'm trying to do or would rather be doing (instead of focusing 100% on them). When this happens, they start getting out of control and acting out, like they're trying to take advantage of the fact that I am not 100% there at the moment. I am pretty confident that they do this on purpose. Now, if I were to really analyze it, it may be because they need attention, or because they need to be disciplined in order to feel safe. Maybe my distraction makes them insecure, or something. But regardless, it's frustrating. We have reached that point today...the past week and a half has been filled with all kinds of fun stuff, and now, the natives are restless! Seriously, it's like we can't have TOO much fun, or it makes them rotten! They forget their manners, they get lazy, they start breaking rules...rules that have been in existence for a loooong time...and their attitudes get really stinky. SOOO...after all the birthday celebrations (my son's birthday was last week), I've got to bring in some military discipline and structure to get things back to normal. Have I mentioned that I'm not good at this? But, ay ay Captain - here we go. Let's get this decade started!

She's...Back

I'm sitting at the computer screen trying not to listen to my 5 month old screaming her head off in her infant seat. Poor baby, but at this point, there's nothing else I can do for her. She is so tired - she has to fall asleep! I just came from our weekly lifegroup meeting, where I led a discussion on the first two commandments and how sometimes, we can keep commandment #1 (worship the Lord your God and serve Him only) while violating #2 (don't set up for yourself an image - don't worship idols)...and here I am, ready to call it a day, ready to be done with my parenting responsibilities, and totally indulging myself (to decompress and pamper myself) with Ben & Jerry's Coffee Heath Bar Crunch. That's right...sigh. I love the nighttime - the time when Erin The Mommy disappears and Erin The Woman gets to come out. Don't get me wrong - I really have been having a good time with my kids. In fact, the other day, I was like "WELL, I just don't even have anything to post on my blog these days because things are going so well and I am so on top of things!" AND...here I am. Back to being desperate and needy.

It's Raw, Alright

Confession #1: On Saturday, my husband was working all day, so I, ready to leave the confines of the home, loaded the kids into the van and headed out on to the open road. "Ah, the open road!", I said to my self. Clearly, I had grand expectations for a relaxing and contemplative drive. HELLOOOOOO...reality: I have four kids under the age of 6. Actually, all four kids weren't the issue - the main important fact that I forgot was that I have two-year-old. A very loud one. Who sits right behind me. Yes, I must be insane to think that I could do this with my two-year-old in tow. You know, I forget these things momentarily. I have these memory lapses where I think, "Oh, yes, what a great idea!" Stupid, stupid, stupid. Oh, we took our drive. But by the time we were 30 minutes into it and headed off to a nearby small town, I was honestly thinking if there were a safe way to deposit my toddler somewhere and come back for her later. No, I'm not kidding. She was screaming in my ear and I totally lost it. I'm seriously concerned that I, at age almost-30, am suffering from hearing loss due to the deafening, protesting shrieks that often occur right next to my ears. You know, if you're going to have hearing loss, make it worth something: get it from going to concerts, or playing in a band, or whatever. Not from a two-year-old - those memories aren't something I'm going to look back on and go "Yeah, I can't hear that well anymore, but, dude, we had some rockin' good times!"
Anyways, I'm having these thoughts of "Is there a safe way to park her somewhere in a field and come back for her later" - you know, the things you would never, ever do, but try to rationalize that someone should invent something to make this a viable option - and my other kids are concerned at this point b/c Mommy is obviously about to crack. As I explain to them very exasperatingly that it's not really anyone's fault that I'm angry, I calm down, realizing that although my screaming toddler is hard to handle sometimes, that she is, after all, only 2, and she doesn't have the maturity to make herself act differently. And basically, it all comes down to the fact that it was Mommy's fault for coming up with an idea that wasn't realistic. This little realization is something I clue into occasionally when I notice that I'm really angry or cranky and I'm not sure why. What were my goals?: Go on a little drive on a beautiful, sunny day, and give myself time to sort out some things that I was mulling over. But I woke up to the cold, hard blow of reality and remembered that it wasn't just me in the car that day. Oh, sure, they'll be times when it's just me...but this time, it just wasn't going to happen.
So, all that said, and there's really no conclusion - it's just part of raw mommyhood! I try to remember to ask myself "What are your goals?" whenever I'm frustrated at something that's not happening like I wanted. And the answer? If you've got four young children...I'm pretty sure you're gonna have to change your goals!
Confession #2: My 6-year-old daughter is a perfectionist. She's very thorough and particular about things, which is pretty much opposite of me. Last night, we were going out to eat, so she put on this pretty little dress and some clips to put on the sides of her head to accent her ponytail. She was very adamant that I put her hair in the ponytail (instead of her doing it for herself), so I distractedly started brushing her hair with my hands and preparing the requested hairstyle. Now, we're standing in front of the mirror, and from the 3.5 feet tall angle, it looked pretty good. She smiles at me and says, "Mommy, I like it better when you do my hair, because when I do it, it always has lots of bumps in it." I look down at the top of her head from my 5.5 feet view and see all kinds of lumps and bumps. I paused for a minute, knowing that if she could see them, she would not be satisfied and want me to redo it...and considered whether or not it was wrong to not tell her that the hairstyle indeed had plenty of bumps. I'd like to say that I took the high road and confessed to her, but, instead, I complimented her on how pretty she looked and prodded the kids out the door. I do feel a little guilty about this, but, hey - from the head-on view, she did look great!

In Him We Live

So this is me and my hunky husband. He's probably protesting the picture as I pose behind him with my eyes almost squinted shut. Sigh. Anyhoo, this is us, and I think we look kind of young, don't we? I mean...do we REALLY look like we're at the beginning of our thirties?
Is it too obvious that I haven't quite grasped how old I've become? I know my previous blog was about embracing this new period in my life, but as I found this picture, I was like, "Come on - REALLY?! Thirty?!". Well, regardless, that's how it is. Life goes on.

On another note, I was greatly encouraged this morning as I lamented not getting my quiet time before having to face the kids. Usually, I'm quite the cranky mommy unless I get some time to myself before starting our day together. However, I did get a few minutes to read some before heading to the kitchen to fix breakfast, and I read the verse "For it is in Him that we live and move and have our very being." (Acts 17:28). And I thought, "YES! That's it - my 'very being' is in Him, even when I don't get the time I want or need with Him in the mornings, even when my days are too full of running errands, homeschooling, etc. I can rest - and I can celebrate - because the only way I exist is that His breath of life is in me. How intimate is that?! The very breath I breathe - that comes through my nostrils - is His. It's proof of Him. It's Him, the very essence of Life, so intimately involved in every aspect of my BEING. I can worship Him as I simply live my life, because it's in Him that I live, move, and "am". Amen and amen.

The Woman In Me

I am going to be 30 in a few weeks. I'm trying to wrap my mind around that. My twenties have brought so many experiences and adventures, and I feel like I've been so many different women during this last decade. Somehow, I morphed (although I doubt I did it gracefully) into the woman I am today. It's so strange to even call myself a "woman." The term "girl" seems like a better fit. Yet here I am, staring into the sunset of my twenties, of my youth. Interestingly, as this decade in my life draws to a close, I am, in some ways, returning to the girl I was when I first entered it. The realities of life that I have encountered have brought a touch of cynicism and bitterness to my soul, and I find myself yearning for the simplicity and abandon that I knew in my youth. Specifically, I long for a return to the girl I was when I could write poetry without being critical - where I could sit down at the piano and plunk out a song so that my soul could sing, where I wasn't paralyzed by knowledge and comparison. Oh, to go back! To go back.

Perhaps, now, I will be able to once again embrace those emotions that led me to write, to create, and pour into my art the lessons I've learned since that time. Perhaps now, my musings will be wiser and stronger - better able to withstand any blows of criticism that would try to beat me down.

I'm still getting to know this woman inside of me. I knew her as a girl, and I'm not quite sure who she is these days. I once heard that your twenties are for finding out who you are. Well...I'm not so sure I've discovered that yet, but I at least have this advantage: I made it. I made it through!

I have three daughters (and one son) of my own now. Surely I owe it to them to figure out this thing called "womanhood." As I write this, hope rises within me. I love change - I really do - I love the start of an adventure. I pray that this next decade will be full - full of love, full of life. Full of Love, full of Life. Full of You, Jesus.

AM I alone in this???

So here we go...does anyone else out there ever have days where they don't like their kids? (There...I said it. And I said it for all the world to hear! But don't tell my kids...) I mean, of course I love them, and most of the time, I like them, but sometimes, I just don't. Poor things - it's not their fault, really. I mean, we were all annoying when we were little, I'm sure. But sometimes, when I wake up in the morning and hear them fighting down the hall, I pull the covers over my head and wish really hard that I were somewhere else. Like in Europe at a sidewalk cafe drinking coffee, or at some university learning Russian, or even just in another bed where I could lay in bed as long as I wanted to and not have to face rising bloodpressure at 7:45 in the morning.

Yesterday, the kids woke me up by tattling on each other, and then, since I was now awake, promptly started bugging me to make breakfast. We spent the first 3 hours or so of the morning in the house, and my foul mood hadn't changed any, so we headed to a park for some relief. When we got there, we ate some sandwiches I had packed, and I literally looked across the table at my son, who was drinking ALL the water in the water bottle that all 5 of us were supposed to share, and thought "No, thanks." I honestly thought that! And it wasn't "No, thanks, I don't want any water", but it was "No, thanks, I'd really rather not do this mommy thing anymore." Isn't that horrible? I shooed them off to go romp around on the playground, and, with 15 feet of mulch between us, finally started feeling fondly about them again. When I have these feelings, I realize how devastated I would be without each of them, and I try to remember how blessed I am to have these wonderful lives as a part of mine. I have friends who don't have children yet because of reproductive issues and who desperately long for kids, and I try to shame myself into being thankful instead of cranky. But I feel like each place has its valid feelings. Meaning, my friends without kids, their feelings of longing and loneliness are valid, just as valid as my feelings of irritation at the kids I am blessed to have. So, that said, I don't think we should feel condemned for these fluctuating feelings towards our kids. I think we just need to have time to pour our hearts out to God, the Ultimate Parent, who can then change our hearts and give us HIS perspective on our kids. That certainly helps.

Anyhoo, maybe I'm the only one who has felt like this, but I thought I'd put it out there.