Here We Go!

Well, today is my second day of being thirty. So far, so good! Yesterday was a great day - my mom watched the kids all afternoon, so I got to laze around town - I read a whole book in Barnes and Noble...without purchasing it! Ah, the life! And my sweet sister had all of her friends e-mail me birthday wishes, which was awesome.

But now...back to the mommyhood stuff. I've noticed that my kids seem to sense when I am distracted and when there's stuff that I'm trying to do or would rather be doing (instead of focusing 100% on them). When this happens, they start getting out of control and acting out, like they're trying to take advantage of the fact that I am not 100% there at the moment. I am pretty confident that they do this on purpose. Now, if I were to really analyze it, it may be because they need attention, or because they need to be disciplined in order to feel safe. Maybe my distraction makes them insecure, or something. But regardless, it's frustrating. We have reached that point today...the past week and a half has been filled with all kinds of fun stuff, and now, the natives are restless! Seriously, it's like we can't have TOO much fun, or it makes them rotten! They forget their manners, they get lazy, they start breaking rules...rules that have been in existence for a loooong time...and their attitudes get really stinky. SOOO...after all the birthday celebrations (my son's birthday was last week), I've got to bring in some military discipline and structure to get things back to normal. Have I mentioned that I'm not good at this? But, ay ay Captain - here we go. Let's get this decade started!

She's...Back

I'm sitting at the computer screen trying not to listen to my 5 month old screaming her head off in her infant seat. Poor baby, but at this point, there's nothing else I can do for her. She is so tired - she has to fall asleep! I just came from our weekly lifegroup meeting, where I led a discussion on the first two commandments and how sometimes, we can keep commandment #1 (worship the Lord your God and serve Him only) while violating #2 (don't set up for yourself an image - don't worship idols)...and here I am, ready to call it a day, ready to be done with my parenting responsibilities, and totally indulging myself (to decompress and pamper myself) with Ben & Jerry's Coffee Heath Bar Crunch. That's right...sigh. I love the nighttime - the time when Erin The Mommy disappears and Erin The Woman gets to come out. Don't get me wrong - I really have been having a good time with my kids. In fact, the other day, I was like "WELL, I just don't even have anything to post on my blog these days because things are going so well and I am so on top of things!" AND...here I am. Back to being desperate and needy.

It's Raw, Alright

Confession #1: On Saturday, my husband was working all day, so I, ready to leave the confines of the home, loaded the kids into the van and headed out on to the open road. "Ah, the open road!", I said to my self. Clearly, I had grand expectations for a relaxing and contemplative drive. HELLOOOOOO...reality: I have four kids under the age of 6. Actually, all four kids weren't the issue - the main important fact that I forgot was that I have two-year-old. A very loud one. Who sits right behind me. Yes, I must be insane to think that I could do this with my two-year-old in tow. You know, I forget these things momentarily. I have these memory lapses where I think, "Oh, yes, what a great idea!" Stupid, stupid, stupid. Oh, we took our drive. But by the time we were 30 minutes into it and headed off to a nearby small town, I was honestly thinking if there were a safe way to deposit my toddler somewhere and come back for her later. No, I'm not kidding. She was screaming in my ear and I totally lost it. I'm seriously concerned that I, at age almost-30, am suffering from hearing loss due to the deafening, protesting shrieks that often occur right next to my ears. You know, if you're going to have hearing loss, make it worth something: get it from going to concerts, or playing in a band, or whatever. Not from a two-year-old - those memories aren't something I'm going to look back on and go "Yeah, I can't hear that well anymore, but, dude, we had some rockin' good times!"
Anyways, I'm having these thoughts of "Is there a safe way to park her somewhere in a field and come back for her later" - you know, the things you would never, ever do, but try to rationalize that someone should invent something to make this a viable option - and my other kids are concerned at this point b/c Mommy is obviously about to crack. As I explain to them very exasperatingly that it's not really anyone's fault that I'm angry, I calm down, realizing that although my screaming toddler is hard to handle sometimes, that she is, after all, only 2, and she doesn't have the maturity to make herself act differently. And basically, it all comes down to the fact that it was Mommy's fault for coming up with an idea that wasn't realistic. This little realization is something I clue into occasionally when I notice that I'm really angry or cranky and I'm not sure why. What were my goals?: Go on a little drive on a beautiful, sunny day, and give myself time to sort out some things that I was mulling over. But I woke up to the cold, hard blow of reality and remembered that it wasn't just me in the car that day. Oh, sure, they'll be times when it's just me...but this time, it just wasn't going to happen.
So, all that said, and there's really no conclusion - it's just part of raw mommyhood! I try to remember to ask myself "What are your goals?" whenever I'm frustrated at something that's not happening like I wanted. And the answer? If you've got four young children...I'm pretty sure you're gonna have to change your goals!
Confession #2: My 6-year-old daughter is a perfectionist. She's very thorough and particular about things, which is pretty much opposite of me. Last night, we were going out to eat, so she put on this pretty little dress and some clips to put on the sides of her head to accent her ponytail. She was very adamant that I put her hair in the ponytail (instead of her doing it for herself), so I distractedly started brushing her hair with my hands and preparing the requested hairstyle. Now, we're standing in front of the mirror, and from the 3.5 feet tall angle, it looked pretty good. She smiles at me and says, "Mommy, I like it better when you do my hair, because when I do it, it always has lots of bumps in it." I look down at the top of her head from my 5.5 feet view and see all kinds of lumps and bumps. I paused for a minute, knowing that if she could see them, she would not be satisfied and want me to redo it...and considered whether or not it was wrong to not tell her that the hairstyle indeed had plenty of bumps. I'd like to say that I took the high road and confessed to her, but, instead, I complimented her on how pretty she looked and prodded the kids out the door. I do feel a little guilty about this, but, hey - from the head-on view, she did look great!

In Him We Live

So this is me and my hunky husband. He's probably protesting the picture as I pose behind him with my eyes almost squinted shut. Sigh. Anyhoo, this is us, and I think we look kind of young, don't we? I mean...do we REALLY look like we're at the beginning of our thirties?
Is it too obvious that I haven't quite grasped how old I've become? I know my previous blog was about embracing this new period in my life, but as I found this picture, I was like, "Come on - REALLY?! Thirty?!". Well, regardless, that's how it is. Life goes on.

On another note, I was greatly encouraged this morning as I lamented not getting my quiet time before having to face the kids. Usually, I'm quite the cranky mommy unless I get some time to myself before starting our day together. However, I did get a few minutes to read some before heading to the kitchen to fix breakfast, and I read the verse "For it is in Him that we live and move and have our very being." (Acts 17:28). And I thought, "YES! That's it - my 'very being' is in Him, even when I don't get the time I want or need with Him in the mornings, even when my days are too full of running errands, homeschooling, etc. I can rest - and I can celebrate - because the only way I exist is that His breath of life is in me. How intimate is that?! The very breath I breathe - that comes through my nostrils - is His. It's proof of Him. It's Him, the very essence of Life, so intimately involved in every aspect of my BEING. I can worship Him as I simply live my life, because it's in Him that I live, move, and "am". Amen and amen.

The Woman In Me

I am going to be 30 in a few weeks. I'm trying to wrap my mind around that. My twenties have brought so many experiences and adventures, and I feel like I've been so many different women during this last decade. Somehow, I morphed (although I doubt I did it gracefully) into the woman I am today. It's so strange to even call myself a "woman." The term "girl" seems like a better fit. Yet here I am, staring into the sunset of my twenties, of my youth. Interestingly, as this decade in my life draws to a close, I am, in some ways, returning to the girl I was when I first entered it. The realities of life that I have encountered have brought a touch of cynicism and bitterness to my soul, and I find myself yearning for the simplicity and abandon that I knew in my youth. Specifically, I long for a return to the girl I was when I could write poetry without being critical - where I could sit down at the piano and plunk out a song so that my soul could sing, where I wasn't paralyzed by knowledge and comparison. Oh, to go back! To go back.

Perhaps, now, I will be able to once again embrace those emotions that led me to write, to create, and pour into my art the lessons I've learned since that time. Perhaps now, my musings will be wiser and stronger - better able to withstand any blows of criticism that would try to beat me down.

I'm still getting to know this woman inside of me. I knew her as a girl, and I'm not quite sure who she is these days. I once heard that your twenties are for finding out who you are. Well...I'm not so sure I've discovered that yet, but I at least have this advantage: I made it. I made it through!

I have three daughters (and one son) of my own now. Surely I owe it to them to figure out this thing called "womanhood." As I write this, hope rises within me. I love change - I really do - I love the start of an adventure. I pray that this next decade will be full - full of love, full of life. Full of Love, full of Life. Full of You, Jesus.