Yep - I'm Back!

So it's been way too long since I've done this, and I'm feeling the effects of it in a major way. I've had quite a few changes since my last post (almost a year ago!), and they are:
1) Maddy & Judah are now attending this great, small public school (2nd grade and Kindergarten)
2) I'm pregnant again - 14 weeks along, presently

SO! That's it. Oh, and I've also been working "part-time" from home managing about 20 properties, which has its fair share of stress.

So the homeschooling thing is no more, at least for this season in life. I'm open to it - I believe in it. I just don't think I'm personally capable of handling it, at least not at this stage of life. Maybe when my babies get a little older? I just can't handle everyone needing me at once and all the distractions when I'm trying to teach the oldest two. Ahhhh! Yes, it was very stressful. I'm thankful that things have changed for now!

There's plenty more to post, but my three-year-old is screaming for me from the bathroom...meaning I "get" to go wipe her poopy bottom...yay! So here's me signing off for now until Mommy duties wane for the evening.

So It's Been Awhile

Sorry, anyone who checks in on my blog...I'm pretty bad about remembering to come vent here. I owe you one! So here you go:

(This was written the other day while my kids played at the park and I stewed on the bench)
What is WRONG with me?! It's like, I KNOW we all function better when we go to a park or outside every day. But every now and then, I say "no" when my kids ask if we can go just because I don't want them to think they're "running the show." How retarded is THAT?! Usually ,when I get like that, I'm already really annoyed with my kids, and my stupid decision just exacerbates the problem. But they're KIDS! They NEED to get out and play every day! I firmly believe this! So what is my deal?! I'm an idiot!
My oldest sister commented on one of my postings that what helped her (the mother of 4, who are now mostly grown) was to step back from the situation and try to see it from an uninvolved outsider's perspective, instead of reacting in the heat of the moment. Like right now, for instance. After a stressful and failure-of-a-morning, we're at the park. It changes EVERYTHING! The sun feels so good - SO GOOD - on my skin, and the fresh air is healing. It reminds me of everything good and happy, every fond memory growing up and every hope of happy times to come. But I'm trying to write while the kids play, and I've got a very whiny, clingy two-year-old in my arms. Ugh. She's been so needy lately, and, I confess, it's driving me crazy. I'm ashamed to say it, but the last thing I want to do right now is hold her. I'm like, "Hey, Baby, why don't you go play with your sister and brother? Look! You want to go slide?! Ooooh, why don't you go slide?! Mommy needs space right now..." But, my irritation (and selfishness) aside, at least she's lightweight. It would really stink if she were like my other kids and in the 95th percentile for her age. That would be annoying and physically taxing. So there's something to be thankful for. How horrible am I?!

So, that said, here are some things I'm going to post around my house - some much-needed reminders of how to maintain as much peace as possible with my four-ring circus:

1) GO OUTSIDE EVERY DAY!
2) BE THANKFUL
3) RE-EVALUATE YOUR GOALS (and change them if they're leading to constand frustration)
4) A BROKEN, SURRENDERED LIFE SMELLS THE SWEETEST

He Sees Me

So I’ve only been awake about 15 minutes, but already, it’s been a hard morning. Judah & Maddy got up before they’re supposed to and were out of their beds, even though they KNOW the rule is that they can’t get up until 8:00. SIGH. I was/am so discouraged that they just seem to not care about the rules or the consequences. And I was overwhelmed and not even wanting to deal with it, but knowing I had to.

So I sat down with my Bible, and said, “Father, help me! I need to look up some verses on discipline or something, but I don’t have any idea where to find them.” And I felt like He said to look up Proverbs 22:15. I was like, well, okay, I guess it doesn’t hurt to try. So I did, and GUESS WHICH VERSE IT IS?!

“Folly is bound up in the heart of a child, but the rod of discipline will drive it far from him.”

I am both so encouraged and yet kind of in shock…I mean, one part of me is not surprised at all by this, but the other side…the tiny glimpse of revelation that He really does see me…that part, I’m trying to process! Oh, I know, I know, He sees me, but do I KNOW He sees me? That He's here with me, that He understands how frustrating rebellious children can be, that He wants to guide me so that I can shepherd these little people! That’s so encouraging! I am not alone in this! He is with me! As the Psalmist says, “Selah.” Let’s pause and think about this a moment.

Revelation at St.Arbucks

So I took my oldest daughter, age 6, to Starbucks tonight for some much-needed one-on-one time together. We sat at a table outside, where she enjoyed a hot chocolate and I sipped on a nonfat (yep, I'm actually losing weight!) carmel macchiato. I mostly just sat and marveled at what a cute daughter I have as she chatted incessantly about everything from the number of children she wants to have (and how she would have to have a really big table to accomodate all six of them!) to how maybe we should get a convertible so we can ride around with the top down on sunny days. And, I have to say, I gave in...gave in to all of it. Gave in to the nagging reminder that I need to do this way more often, gave in to the feeling that this little girl is such a treasure and I am so lucky to have her, and gave in to her request to...dance on the sidewalk to the music being piped through the outdoor speakers. Yep, that's right...I nursed a grown-up coffee drink, post-moderns chatted at a nearby table, and my six-year-old delight danced her heart out in the cool November night. She sat sweetly and silently as I visited briefly with some old friends that I haven't seen in 8 years, and then made me laugh my head off after they left with her very original "rabbit dance". Let me just say that this dance begins with hands in front of her chest, curled up like an Easter bunny's, and ends with a very passionate rear-shaking. HILARIOUS!
Did I mention that I love this girl? I have memories of her when she was little, even as young as 8 months old, and we would get the giggles, and just laugh and laugh and laugh together. She has always had that special ability to do that to/with me. I just stood there tonight and cackled away with the kind of hearty guffaws that bring healing to your body and health to your bones! Thank You, Jesus - I am blessed!

Back to That Raw Stuff

So I looked back at my previous posts, and, since I'm only posting when I'm having Mommy issues, it seems this happens about once a week. This weekend has been kind of funky, though. Don't know why, but the past few days, I've been in a weird funk. Like, back to where I was when I was always annoyed with my kids and thinking of them as more of a burden than a blessing. Sigh. My hubby had to work all day yesterday - Saturday - so that probably didn't help that I was on my own. However, I did get to put my kids down for a nap at my parents house and run to the bookstore by myself for about an hour and a half. That was a huge blessing!
Anyhoo, the sermon at church today was about honoring our parents. And our pastor mentioned some things from his past about growing up with a mother that was unstable and "adversarial" (his nice way of saying it, but i'm sure it was rough) at times, and I kept thinking, "Oh, Lord, please don't let my kids remember me this way." Because I certainly know that I can be unstable and "adversarial", although probably not to the extent that his mother was, but, boy, no doubt I am completely capable of being worse than I ever dreamed of. And it's like my kids can sense this hesitancy - this fear. The past few days, they've been yelling "I am so mad at you!" and expressing their frustration with me, and on one hand, I understand, so I didn't reprimand them for complaining, but on the other hand, I know that every time they're allowed to yell like that at me, they lose respect for me and gain a little more ground in this battle of the wills. After talking with my husband, I now realize that I can't let them treat me like that - that it's okay to be frustrated, but they need to deal with it in a calm manner and not by stomping their feet and yelling. Most importantly, they need to be respectful. But I feel like such a hypocrite because I yell all the time. I get frustrated all the time, and I throw these little temper tantrums. So how can I require them to not be any different? It's like the whole, "No, you cannot have ice cream every night after dinner!" while I sweep them off to bed so that I can dig into my pint in the freezer. I mean, if I let them give in to all my vices, they'd be totally screwed up by age 14 and incredibly overweight. So I can't let them do it, because I love them and want what's best for them. And I realize that when they are old enough to make their own choices, they may repeat my many sins. But I guess I can just hope and pray that they will see the ill results of them in my life and long to be better.
You know, it's hard being a parent. It's the hardest thing I've ever done. I hear my daughter telling my son "I need space!" or "Ugh...you're making my head hurt by all that talking." and it's so ugly...and we all know where she hears those phrases. Me.
And by the way, while I'm confessing things, here's another one: I don't know what I'm doing. I really don't. I don't know how to do this parenting thing! I don't really know what's best for my kids, or which rules to stick with and which ones are unfair. I don't know who is right when they're fighting, and sometimes, I don't care. I don't want to always have to be the judge or the lawgiver. But here I sit in my lofty chair, trying to balance the legislative, judicial, and executive branches. AAAAAAAAAH! Sometimes, when my kids are looking to me to make a decision, and when I'm on the verge of all hell breaking loose and I need to regain control, I just want to lay down on the floor and curl up in a fetal position. I'm just a little girl - I'm a child - and here I am, the oldest I've ever been in my life, and feeling, at times, less and less competent in my parenting. I mean, I had two preschoolers when I was 25, and there were plenty of foolish mistakes, but, still. That's nothing compared to FOUR needy, clamoring lives that are depending on me to hold it together and shepherd them in a wise and stable way!
I guess this is why the Bible says that "He tenderly leads those that have young." I need to be led. I need the perfect Father to shepherd me and these little ones. I need a strong arm to be there when I just want to give in and not care that my son spit at my daughter or that my daughter has a rotten attitude. I need someone to lean on when my baby and my toddler are crying at the same time and both need to be held. And I NEED TO BE HELD! I NEED TO BE CARRIED! Surely God's heart has a special place for His mommies. Surely there is a special place in his arms for us. My prayer, Lord Jesus, is that You would lead me beside quiet waters...and restore my soul.

Hard Day

TGIF. I've been having such a great time with the kids that I've forgotten what a "hard day" looks like. But today brings it all back! I should have known it might be tricky b/c a friend of mine called this morning, right when we would normally be doing school, and it got me all off track. I was helping her with something, and the kids, sensing my preoccupation, slowly progressed to "out of control." I was only involved with her for about 15 minutes, but in that time period, all control went out the window and they were going crazy! It's so interesting how they sense when you are distracted and take full advantage of it. It's so frustrating! It took about 30 minutes for me to regain control and get things back to being peaceful! I don't know if it's because it's the end of the week, or because I'm feeling light-headed and having caffeine withdrawal, but my patience is thin and I'm really wishing to be by myself this morning. Sigh. The all-too-familiar feelings of motherhood that I'm not proud of. I was reading them a book this morning, and while my mouth was saying the words, my thoughts were elsewhere. I'm amazed by this ability - I'm sure I'm not the only one. But I was already planning how I was going to swing by the local coffee shop and get a frozen cappuccino. "I could call ahead, leave the kids in the car for a few seconds if I park right in front of the door, and then run in, grab my drug, and be on my way to a better mood!" Very tempting. I just might do it. I mean, the fact that I am trying to lose weight and will have to work out tonight for an hour just to burn off HALF of that drink is a small matter compared to the option of being in a good mood and not being so irritable. I rationalized to myself that maybe this is why mommies are so often "fluffy"...because we NEEEEEED these little pick-me-up's in order to maintain sanity. I'm thinking, "You know, I'll just try to lose this weight when my kids are older...when they're not so trying and when I won't NEED caffeine so badly." Sigh. What's the answer? I don't know. But I'll be honest...I'm headed to the coffee shop!

Here We Go!

Well, today is my second day of being thirty. So far, so good! Yesterday was a great day - my mom watched the kids all afternoon, so I got to laze around town - I read a whole book in Barnes and Noble...without purchasing it! Ah, the life! And my sweet sister had all of her friends e-mail me birthday wishes, which was awesome.

But now...back to the mommyhood stuff. I've noticed that my kids seem to sense when I am distracted and when there's stuff that I'm trying to do or would rather be doing (instead of focusing 100% on them). When this happens, they start getting out of control and acting out, like they're trying to take advantage of the fact that I am not 100% there at the moment. I am pretty confident that they do this on purpose. Now, if I were to really analyze it, it may be because they need attention, or because they need to be disciplined in order to feel safe. Maybe my distraction makes them insecure, or something. But regardless, it's frustrating. We have reached that point today...the past week and a half has been filled with all kinds of fun stuff, and now, the natives are restless! Seriously, it's like we can't have TOO much fun, or it makes them rotten! They forget their manners, they get lazy, they start breaking rules...rules that have been in existence for a loooong time...and their attitudes get really stinky. SOOO...after all the birthday celebrations (my son's birthday was last week), I've got to bring in some military discipline and structure to get things back to normal. Have I mentioned that I'm not good at this? But, ay ay Captain - here we go. Let's get this decade started!