I had high hopes of a beautiful evening. The "Christmas at Belmont" special, hosted by Trisha Yearwood (one of my fave singers), was on PBS at 7, and I had whipped up a yummy pasta dish for supper at the last minute. The hubby has been working late the past few nights trying to wrap up a project before Christmas. But I planned for the kids and I to get the house cleaned after supper, then I would cook up a batch of cookies and we'd watch the TV special together. WRONG. Wrong, wrong, wrong.
The house cleaning had its moments of triumph. The older 2 really pitched in and the oldest did a thorough bathroom cleaning all by herself. She really is amazing! After I had washed the dinner dishes, I found out that the sponge she used to clean the bathroom had been put...in...the...sink. SO. I tried to have a cheery attitude, but I failed, and I had to redo all the dishes I had just attacked with a fury.
By the time the special was airing, the kids were watching it while I was on cookie duty, except they were laughing and making fun of the choral singers, the male ballet dancers, etc. Not that I blame them a whole lot, but it just wasn't the time and place to be doing that. (you know, in the safety and comfort of our home.uh...) but anyways, it was bedtime and a privilege for them to stay up, so one by one, I sent rowdy kid after rowdy kid to bed, cookie-less and loudly protesting. So much for hearing the TV show. I tried. I tried to block out the screaming and thrashing and complaining and questioning. My eldest remained on the couch, wanting to snuggle. Sigh. I tried not to reject her - tried to explain that Mommy was in a really cranky mood and that I really didn't want to snuggle, but that I loved her and maybe she could come just sit next to me quietly. Yeah. I know. But that's what I said.
After the special (after a few cookies and spoons full of cookie dough), this same daughter sighed and said "Maybe tomorrow, you'll be a better mommy!" as she slinked off to bed. And I retorted loudly that I WAS a good mommy today and that I needed time to NOT be a mommy before I went to sleep tonight.
Let me just add that we had a good day together, all of us. In fact, the past 3 days haven't been awful, and maybe even a bit pleasant. (Having the big kids home from school all day AND not having Jeremy around in the evening.) But tonight, tonight, I just didn't hold together well at all. I'm a little ashamed. I still loved on them. I alternated barking and loving, and my 2 year old is still yelling for me to come cover her up, even though she's perfectly capable of doing it herself. I've already had to discipline her twice tonight, and to be honest, I don't have it in me to go do it again. So I'm just pretending I don't hear her. Nevermind that she's keeping everyone else from falling asleep.
Anyone have a stiff drink? Or at least a stiff latte? Here's a book title I came up with once..."My Kids Drove Me to Drinking".
Alright...signing off...Jim Brickman's Christmas CD is on, all lights but the tree are off, and I'm hoping to get some true quiet time to just contemplate all the ways I failed today as a mother. KIDDING!
...kind of. :)
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
Friday, December 18, 2009
Pursuit of Peace
So I woke up when the husband and big kids left for work/school today. "This is great!", I thought to myself. "The house is quiet. I'll get up now and have some quiet time before my littles wake up, and then I can really spend time with them when they wake up instead of trying to get some alone time then! Wonderful!" Except I had literally been awake 7 minutes when the little girls woke up. One of them is already throwing the loudest fit this side of Oklahoma. My heart is pounding and my blood is boiling and I feel like I've got my fingernails dug into peace and am trying to hold on to it by the skin of my teeth. What does the Bible say...something about "seek peace and pursue it"? Maybe that's because living in peace (and being AT peace) is harder than it seems. It doesn't just happen to you...at least not when you have small children. On another note, that verse in Psalms that says "how good, how pleasant it is when brothers live together in unity (peace)" has taken on a whole new meaning in my life. I get it. I TOTALLY get it now.
You know, usually, I wake up and I think about my day and I kind of formulate a plan. I'm a planner...I like to have a "to do" list and a loose schedule. (although a tight schedule is my favorite, but i've learned that's not possible anymore) And maybe I'm growing in this motherhood thing, because THIS morning, after I made my plan, I then admitted to myself that the likelihood of my plan happening is about 50%, and that I just need to let it go and hope for the best. So that's what I'm doing. Hey...there's still a 50% chance I'll get something done today that's on my list. Not bad odds! Not preferable, but not deplorable, either.
On another note, I've been noticing lately (as in, the past couple years) my affinity for variety. This is a good thing sometimes, but usually, it fleshes itself out more in the lack of discipline category, as in "I'll do something for awhile, but then get tired of it and quit." My consistency meter usually peters out after a few weeks/months. But I've also noticed how many ups and downs life has. I mean, I'll be doing great - great! - with different challenges/routines in my life, and then a blow will come, or maybe I'll just get bored with it - and I'm off the path again. And I was thinking about this little tree I have. We inherited it when it was just a stalk sticking out of a big planter/pot thingy. We didn't know what kind of tree it was or if it was alive or dead or what, but we stuck it in the sun and watered it. Well, come spring, we were overjoyed to find it starting to grow leaves. Amazing! Seriously - this was a huge highlight of my spring! I was filled with such hope as this little tree began to grow leaf after leaf after beautiful green leaf! It was fruitful and full of life! It was such an inspiration to me of hope and perseverance. Everytime I looked at it, the spring in my step increased.
But then...a few weeks ago...we had some uncharacteristicly cold weather. I forgot about our little tree being affected by this, and come morning, every one of those long, beautiful leaves were wilted. They hung straight down - totally limp - totally dead. I scooted the tree around the yard all day the next day so it could have direct sunlight, but alas, it still hung limp. I then brought the tree inside and put my coat over it in hopes of keeping it warm, but it was too late. One night's freeze and all that life was gone. I am still so, so sad about this. How quickly life can be snuffed out! I'm sure there are deeper metaphors here, but the one I want to focus on is the thousands of little deaths that happen to us in our lifetimes. We go through seasons...winter often the hardest, naturally. No signs of life. Then suddenly, boom, leaves and green and growth! But when we're not looking - we let our guard down - and then death, again. And had I taken care of this tree better, it would probably have made it through the cold - dormant - but would spring to life again as temperatures increased. It just reminds me of the many victories and defeats that make up my life, particularly in this journey of motherhood.
So here I sit...the house is quiet again. I'm guessing my littles succombed to the toastiness of their beds and the darkness of the house. My moment of annoyance and frustration has passed - defeat - and now I'm at peace again - victory!
But here's the goal, here's the goal: To have a peace that isn't based on circumstances. And that - THAT - comes in the form of a person. So now, I'm going to get off of this blog and seek Him, who sets my soul truly at rest, who "leads me beside quiet waters", who "restores my soul".
You know, usually, I wake up and I think about my day and I kind of formulate a plan. I'm a planner...I like to have a "to do" list and a loose schedule. (although a tight schedule is my favorite, but i've learned that's not possible anymore) And maybe I'm growing in this motherhood thing, because THIS morning, after I made my plan, I then admitted to myself that the likelihood of my plan happening is about 50%, and that I just need to let it go and hope for the best. So that's what I'm doing. Hey...there's still a 50% chance I'll get something done today that's on my list. Not bad odds! Not preferable, but not deplorable, either.
On another note, I've been noticing lately (as in, the past couple years) my affinity for variety. This is a good thing sometimes, but usually, it fleshes itself out more in the lack of discipline category, as in "I'll do something for awhile, but then get tired of it and quit." My consistency meter usually peters out after a few weeks/months. But I've also noticed how many ups and downs life has. I mean, I'll be doing great - great! - with different challenges/routines in my life, and then a blow will come, or maybe I'll just get bored with it - and I'm off the path again. And I was thinking about this little tree I have. We inherited it when it was just a stalk sticking out of a big planter/pot thingy. We didn't know what kind of tree it was or if it was alive or dead or what, but we stuck it in the sun and watered it. Well, come spring, we were overjoyed to find it starting to grow leaves. Amazing! Seriously - this was a huge highlight of my spring! I was filled with such hope as this little tree began to grow leaf after leaf after beautiful green leaf! It was fruitful and full of life! It was such an inspiration to me of hope and perseverance. Everytime I looked at it, the spring in my step increased.
But then...a few weeks ago...we had some uncharacteristicly cold weather. I forgot about our little tree being affected by this, and come morning, every one of those long, beautiful leaves were wilted. They hung straight down - totally limp - totally dead. I scooted the tree around the yard all day the next day so it could have direct sunlight, but alas, it still hung limp. I then brought the tree inside and put my coat over it in hopes of keeping it warm, but it was too late. One night's freeze and all that life was gone. I am still so, so sad about this. How quickly life can be snuffed out! I'm sure there are deeper metaphors here, but the one I want to focus on is the thousands of little deaths that happen to us in our lifetimes. We go through seasons...winter often the hardest, naturally. No signs of life. Then suddenly, boom, leaves and green and growth! But when we're not looking - we let our guard down - and then death, again. And had I taken care of this tree better, it would probably have made it through the cold - dormant - but would spring to life again as temperatures increased. It just reminds me of the many victories and defeats that make up my life, particularly in this journey of motherhood.
So here I sit...the house is quiet again. I'm guessing my littles succombed to the toastiness of their beds and the darkness of the house. My moment of annoyance and frustration has passed - defeat - and now I'm at peace again - victory!
But here's the goal, here's the goal: To have a peace that isn't based on circumstances. And that - THAT - comes in the form of a person. So now, I'm going to get off of this blog and seek Him, who sets my soul truly at rest, who "leads me beside quiet waters", who "restores my soul".
Friday, December 4, 2009
Beautiful Snow
I am overwhelmed with emotion right now. It’s snowing. It never snows here - I think the last time was 2 years ago, and that was a freak thing in MARCH. It’s so beautiful. And I just feel like something is changing. I feel like it’s the blessing of God, coming down so beautiful and so pure and so good. There are times the blessing of God comes violently like the waves of an ocean or a waterfall, but somes times it comes to us like snow drifting, floating, light. Wonderful.
The last few snowflakes have fallen and the sun in coming out, and it’s like we’re left saying, “Did that really happen?!” While we were in the midst of it, it was so overwhelmingly beautiful and real. And now there’s hardly a sign of it, but we can know in our hearts and treasure that it did - it DID - it did. And I think this is where we get glimpses of heaven and realize that this earth is not our home. That beauty like that is real, and while we may only get occasional glimpses, in heaven, the home of the King it’s always so. Like CS Lewis talks about, we were made longing for a distant land, a joy we’ve never known…there’s something in our hearts that knows eternity is real and the Kingdom of Heaven is real and that there is a King and He is good and He is love. It’s so easy to forget down here. It’s hard and ugly and everything is so full of decay and deceit and ruin. But oh, as the old hymn goes, “How beautiful heaven must be!”. And how beautiful its Light, its Lamb.
So I pause - I take pause - in reverence…realizing my own frailty and the many times I’ve chosen to believe what I can see over what I can’t see, what I don’t have the strength at times to hope for. But hope is just around the corner - it’s just around the corner! And whether it be the few seconds our eyes are opened and we see what really is, or whether it be permanently entering that world through ceasing to live in this fallen one, hope is just around the corner and it calls to us. Oh, longing in my heart, you were put there on purpose! Longing for home - for the King - for heaven! “How beautiful heaven must be!”
The last few snowflakes have fallen and the sun in coming out, and it’s like we’re left saying, “Did that really happen?!” While we were in the midst of it, it was so overwhelmingly beautiful and real. And now there’s hardly a sign of it, but we can know in our hearts and treasure that it did - it DID - it did. And I think this is where we get glimpses of heaven and realize that this earth is not our home. That beauty like that is real, and while we may only get occasional glimpses, in heaven, the home of the King it’s always so. Like CS Lewis talks about, we were made longing for a distant land, a joy we’ve never known…there’s something in our hearts that knows eternity is real and the Kingdom of Heaven is real and that there is a King and He is good and He is love. It’s so easy to forget down here. It’s hard and ugly and everything is so full of decay and deceit and ruin. But oh, as the old hymn goes, “How beautiful heaven must be!”. And how beautiful its Light, its Lamb.
So I pause - I take pause - in reverence…realizing my own frailty and the many times I’ve chosen to believe what I can see over what I can’t see, what I don’t have the strength at times to hope for. But hope is just around the corner - it’s just around the corner! And whether it be the few seconds our eyes are opened and we see what really is, or whether it be permanently entering that world through ceasing to live in this fallen one, hope is just around the corner and it calls to us. Oh, longing in my heart, you were put there on purpose! Longing for home - for the King - for heaven! “How beautiful heaven must be!”
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
Road Block Ahead
So I've been thinking lately about the source of my frustration with my kids, and I've talked about this before, but I want to say again that it usually boils down to 2 things: 1) blocked goals, or 2) fear.
I think about most of the times I lose my cool with my kids, and it's over seemingly little things: getting out the door and loaded into the van when we're late, getting someone to stay in their beds and sleep, having a clean house, driving around town with peace and quiet, etc.. These are normal things, normal desires, for sure. But OH! Look out! Even the simplest one will be blocked and fought against. And this, THIS, is the infuriating part.
When I see celebrity moms or even moms around town who seem really "put together" and cool, I often wonder how they respond to the different situations that parenting inevitably brings. (i.e. daughter is supposed to be at school early. we're already late, and she can't find one of her shoes, and for some reason, no other shoe options exist) I just sometimes wish I could be a fly on the wall and see what goes down in other houses. Any celebrities out there wanna fill us in??
Anyhoo, I just think that any adult would be angry if his goals were constantly blocked. That is my chief frustration, at this point. You'd think I'd just give in and give up, but something in me keeps tenaciously insisting on getting my way. I don't know if this is a good thing or a bad thing, but boy, some ugly words are getting said in the process, and did I mention I think I strained my vocal chords last week in an intensely passionte rant?
Sigh. Where are THESE topics in the motherhood books?!
I think about most of the times I lose my cool with my kids, and it's over seemingly little things: getting out the door and loaded into the van when we're late, getting someone to stay in their beds and sleep, having a clean house, driving around town with peace and quiet, etc.. These are normal things, normal desires, for sure. But OH! Look out! Even the simplest one will be blocked and fought against. And this, THIS, is the infuriating part.
When I see celebrity moms or even moms around town who seem really "put together" and cool, I often wonder how they respond to the different situations that parenting inevitably brings. (i.e. daughter is supposed to be at school early. we're already late, and she can't find one of her shoes, and for some reason, no other shoe options exist) I just sometimes wish I could be a fly on the wall and see what goes down in other houses. Any celebrities out there wanna fill us in??
Anyhoo, I just think that any adult would be angry if his goals were constantly blocked. That is my chief frustration, at this point. You'd think I'd just give in and give up, but something in me keeps tenaciously insisting on getting my way. I don't know if this is a good thing or a bad thing, but boy, some ugly words are getting said in the process, and did I mention I think I strained my vocal chords last week in an intensely passionte rant?
Sigh. Where are THESE topics in the motherhood books?!
Friday, November 20, 2009
Till We Have Faces
Has anyone read TILL WE HAVE FACES by C.S. Lewis? I just finished it, and man, I LOVED it, but my brain hurts! I feel like one of the main points of the book is the definition of true love, love that is self-sacrificing and love that wants the absolute best for the one who is loved, even if it hurts the one who loves. Pretty intense.
It relates to a thousand other truths in life, but also to this journey of parenthood. I've been realizing more and more that love down here on earth just pales in comparison to real love...to Real Love, the person. Our meager offerings of love and devotion and commitment...how weak they are, how self-centered, and how tainted, regardless of how pure we think they be.
Can't write more right now...baby screaming.
It relates to a thousand other truths in life, but also to this journey of parenthood. I've been realizing more and more that love down here on earth just pales in comparison to real love...to Real Love, the person. Our meager offerings of love and devotion and commitment...how weak they are, how self-centered, and how tainted, regardless of how pure we think they be.
Can't write more right now...baby screaming.
Saturday, November 14, 2009
GRIT AND GRACE
So I think I've finally figured out what frustrates me the most sometimes. I'm sure there are countless emotions contributing to the "cranky mommy" state, but here's one I think I've finally singled out. It's the feeling of waking up hopeful, but then realizing that the day is not your own. Realizing that no matter how badly you want to jump in the car and just go shopping or drive around town or, really, insert ANY goal into this equation, that I am at the mercy of the little people who live in my house. I'll wake up in a good mood, birds are singing, sun is shining, there may even be a bluebird somewhere around my shoulder. But oh so quickly, the sun goes behind the cloud, the birds fly off, and the rain comes down. This can be the result of extremely loud fighting, squawking, screeching, and crying. When this happens, I just shut down inside, and it's such a defeating feeling because it's like I'm trying SO hard to hold on to peace and to being a "happy Mommy", but it constantly eludes me. I don't know...maybe better moms could maintain their sense of peace and cheerfulness in the middle of ear-splitting fights and screeches, but me, I just lose it! It just BOTHERS me - it gets under my skin - it INFURIATES me! And then add to that constant butting up against your requests and arguing and slowness in obeying, and MAN, it's 9am and Mommy is thoroughly pissed.
I had grand hopes for the day. Woke up to sunshine, which always fills me with hope. Made pancakes, bacon, eggs for breakfast. But halfway through the cooking, Mommy's mood went south. Oh, I so long for the days when I could maintain a pleasant attitude ALL DAY! What the heck?!!! What happened to me? What happened to that bubbly teenager who was always smiling and laughing? SIGH. Maybe I'm being unrealistic. Growing up is hard to do, for sure. And sometimes, I tell myself, "You know, ANY adult would be annoyed by this. NO ONE likes it when someone screams in their ear. NO ONE likes to be argued with when they tell someone to do something. NO ONE likes it when someone is hurting someone else for the heck of it. It's normal and natural to feel this way!" But then I wonder, how do all these other moms maintain sanity? Maybe I'm all alone on this "it sucks sometimes to be a Mommy" island. And if I'm alone, then by golly, I might as well hang up some decorations and make this place my own. Because I'm going to be honest about it. This parenting thing, it's hard.
Sure, there's the voice telling me to just suck it up and deal with it. To get over myself. No one said that parenting was easy. That this is where I am in life and this is what I've chosen. And granted, that voice has some value. But if for no other reason than to clarify my emotions, I need to vent, to just be able to say it and get it out of my head so I can address it, say "yeah, you're right, Erin...it's hard." And move on.
I guess, if nothing else, I know that my Father hears these cries and agonies of my heart. And maybe it's all just a part of dying to yourself, of truly living selflessly. I know that's good for me, but I sure don't come by it naturally, and I sure don't like it! :)
I love my kids. I am so thankful that I have them. But sometimes, being their mother really kicks my butt. That's probably part of God's plan for my life...I need some butt-kicking because I grew up spoiled and selfish and territorial. I grew up feeling entitled and unrestrained. And He's given me these little ones not only to bless me, which they do, but also to teach me how to be more like Him. To love when I don't feel like it, to love by sticking it out and just persevering through the hard stuff by sheer grit. Grit...and grace. Boy, do I need a lot of grace! I think I have a new mantra...
I had grand hopes for the day. Woke up to sunshine, which always fills me with hope. Made pancakes, bacon, eggs for breakfast. But halfway through the cooking, Mommy's mood went south. Oh, I so long for the days when I could maintain a pleasant attitude ALL DAY! What the heck?!!! What happened to me? What happened to that bubbly teenager who was always smiling and laughing? SIGH. Maybe I'm being unrealistic. Growing up is hard to do, for sure. And sometimes, I tell myself, "You know, ANY adult would be annoyed by this. NO ONE likes it when someone screams in their ear. NO ONE likes to be argued with when they tell someone to do something. NO ONE likes it when someone is hurting someone else for the heck of it. It's normal and natural to feel this way!" But then I wonder, how do all these other moms maintain sanity? Maybe I'm all alone on this "it sucks sometimes to be a Mommy" island. And if I'm alone, then by golly, I might as well hang up some decorations and make this place my own. Because I'm going to be honest about it. This parenting thing, it's hard.
Sure, there's the voice telling me to just suck it up and deal with it. To get over myself. No one said that parenting was easy. That this is where I am in life and this is what I've chosen. And granted, that voice has some value. But if for no other reason than to clarify my emotions, I need to vent, to just be able to say it and get it out of my head so I can address it, say "yeah, you're right, Erin...it's hard." And move on.
I guess, if nothing else, I know that my Father hears these cries and agonies of my heart. And maybe it's all just a part of dying to yourself, of truly living selflessly. I know that's good for me, but I sure don't come by it naturally, and I sure don't like it! :)
I love my kids. I am so thankful that I have them. But sometimes, being their mother really kicks my butt. That's probably part of God's plan for my life...I need some butt-kicking because I grew up spoiled and selfish and territorial. I grew up feeling entitled and unrestrained. And He's given me these little ones not only to bless me, which they do, but also to teach me how to be more like Him. To love when I don't feel like it, to love by sticking it out and just persevering through the hard stuff by sheer grit. Grit...and grace. Boy, do I need a lot of grace! I think I have a new mantra...
Monday, November 9, 2009
Oh, For Solitude!
So it's one of those days. One of those days when you don't want your kids to touch you. At all. Or come near you. Or breathe on you. Or talk to you. Yep...THOSE days.
It all started with a crazy Sunday. Maybe I had too many sweets the night before - not sure. But all I know is I was extremely aggressive all day yesterday. Today, waking up hoping to get some respite by only having to deal with my three younger children, I actually had to repeat Sunday all over again, minus the brief interludes that church provides and minus helpful husband. M & J stayed home from school, and they both, yep both, have strep throat. Hello, five children. These are the times I'm feeling it!
Because my 2 older kids are home, my 2 and 4 year olds didn't sleep during naptime today. AT ALL. Not to mention that b/c of the time change, every freaking person in the family was awake at the crack of dawn. Currently, my 2 year old is climbing all over me, and I really am recoiling, although she has no clue. Score one for patience. At least she doesn't know. But boy, my skin is crawling, and I just want space and quiet and to NOT be touched!
Sheesh. What a day. I think I'm going to ask hubby for a long night at the bookstore tonight. SOMETHING'S gotta give!
Maybe I'll have a better post later, but for now, it's just...raw!
It all started with a crazy Sunday. Maybe I had too many sweets the night before - not sure. But all I know is I was extremely aggressive all day yesterday. Today, waking up hoping to get some respite by only having to deal with my three younger children, I actually had to repeat Sunday all over again, minus the brief interludes that church provides and minus helpful husband. M & J stayed home from school, and they both, yep both, have strep throat. Hello, five children. These are the times I'm feeling it!
Because my 2 older kids are home, my 2 and 4 year olds didn't sleep during naptime today. AT ALL. Not to mention that b/c of the time change, every freaking person in the family was awake at the crack of dawn. Currently, my 2 year old is climbing all over me, and I really am recoiling, although she has no clue. Score one for patience. At least she doesn't know. But boy, my skin is crawling, and I just want space and quiet and to NOT be touched!
Sheesh. What a day. I think I'm going to ask hubby for a long night at the bookstore tonight. SOMETHING'S gotta give!
Maybe I'll have a better post later, but for now, it's just...raw!
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