Raw Mommyhood

He Makes Me Lie Down in Green Pastures

2010-07-02T11:58:00.000-07:00

So today, while driving the kids to the museum, I realized that perhaps it's been awhile since I've had some "me time". Sometimes, I'll be going along with this mothering thing full steam ahead, and we're having a great time, and everythings a-okay (for the most part), and I think "Nah, I'm cool...I don't need a break from this." But then, as time goes by, I start to get a little snippier with the kids. I find myself raising my voice a little too often and a little too quickly. I start finding myself more easily irritated by silly kid things that shouldn't be so annoying to me. And the final clencher, the big indicator that Mommy needs some alone time to focus on being an individual and not a mother, is that I start feeling trapped in this lifestyle and like these kids are cramping my style.

Yeah, I always promised that this blog would be honest and raw, so there you have it.

It's funny...you more often hear of daddies wanting to run away from their households, not mommies. Although maybe it's more common than we know. But sometimes, I just want to deposit my kids somewhere safe, where they'll be loved and taken care of (like with their daddy), and just head out on the open road. Let go of this domestic life, shake off these "chains" I've willingly saddled myself with, and get back in touch with who I am as a person. What IS "my style", after all?

For the record, my husband is awesome at letting me get alone time when I need it. I guess the problem is with me...I just think I don't need the time, and then I don't take it, and then...uh-oh...Mommy's not doing so well. Can anyone say "self-sabotage"?!

I. Need. Space.

Granted, life as a parent is all about sacrifice. It's about laying down your life for not only your spouse but also your children. We often don't get a chance to just step away of our responsibilities for awhile. And don't get me wrong, I've got a lot of help in that regard. My parents are such a blessing - they often babysit for us. And two weeks ago, we took a week-long trip away from the crew (although we had the baby with us), and that was good and hard, all at the same time. (I think that's TOO much "space"...I missed my kiddos so badly!) But sometimes, sometimes, a person needs time alone. A-L-O-N-E. Time to reconnect with our inner selves. Time to refocus on what our life is about. Time to talk to Jesus and listen to what He says.

Maybe the solution here is me getting myself out of bed earlier in the morning and getting quiet time every day. I KNOW that would be helpful. But...oh, so pathetic, I know...I'm so tired! And I have to confess, I DO stay up late, because that's time to get stuff done without the kids around! Time with husband, time for work, time for other stuff.

Blah. Maybe I'm complaining too much. But, regardless, I sense that all is not well on the inside, and something's gotta give. I think I'll be headed somewhere on my own sometime soon. A coffee shop. A bookstore. A mini-roadtrip. Time to renew, time to refresh. I love this team of people I'm traveling with, but sometimes, this girl needs to break away from the path and "lay down in green pastures." Moo.

Mother's Day

2010-05-14T08:07:00.000-07:00

I've been mulling something over since Mother's Day, and I figured I needed to blog about it to properly process it, but I've been putting it off. My kids are playing quietly right now, so I'm gonna go for it. :)

It all started with preparation for Mother's Day. A few days before, I remembered something I overheard my mom say to a friend, "Mother's Day is more important to me than my BIRTHDAY!". I always thought that was a little strange, seeing as I'm waaaay into birthdays, but I tucked that little tidbit into my heart and made sure that I make my mom feel special and loved on her special day.

This year, however, I feel like I'm starting to understand where she's coming from. That Sunday morning was stressful and full of chaos, as usual, trying to get 5 little people ready, cute, and out the door as to not be more than 30 minutes late to church (sadly, our norm). I was up early making stuff manicotti so my parents could join us right after church and food would be ready. I spent the last 15 minutes before we walked out the door on myself, meaning a quick shower, semi-wet hair, and a thrown together outfit. I was feeling like a failure as a mother for several reasons, I'm sure, one being my lack of sweetness and my impatience with my kids.

When we got to church, they played little video snippets of different people honoring their moms, and while it was so awesome to hear, it was kind of discouraging to me, because I kept asking myself, "What would MY kids say 10 or 20 years from now about ME?". (Maybe this was the point...it sure made for some heartfelt repentence during the ministry time!)

But I realized, you know, yeah...Mother's Day IS important, probably because there are so many of us mothers who feel like we're doing a horrible job, who feel like total failures at this motherhood thing. It's almost like, turning another year older, whoo-hoo, big deal...I do that whether I'm good at it or not. But MOTHERING...now THAT'S hard work! My whole LIFE has changed because I'm a mother, not to mention I have discovered how much I need God's grace and mercy DAILY to effectively lead and disciple and love these kids He's given me.

So I think I'm siding with my mom on this whole "really whoop it up on Mother's Day" thing, even though neither she nor I nor anyone else would probably admit out loud WHY this day is so important to us. I think it comes from a deep need, a deep wound, a deep sense of insecurity about our job performance. Not that we need to be lauded and stroked, but just that we need to be encouraged. "You're doing a good job, lady...hang in there!" or "I know it looks like I never listen to you, Mom, but once a year, I can admit that you make a lot of sense." You know, those kinds of things.

So happy belated Mom's Day, friends. Hug yourselves and know that you're loved, know that you're cherished, know that it's gonna be worth it all!

Here We Go...

2010-05-07T06:03:00.000-07:00

Wow - long time no blog. Been resisting and completely intentionally avoiding this blog for the past few months. Don't know why, but hey, at least I'm back now.

Today is "Field Day" for my two oldest kiddos, and the morning was less-than-ideal for what should be a fun-filled day. Hubby and I were both incredibly grumpy (nevermind that I was up til 2am), and our poor children stumbled out the door in tears.

I feel horrible now, now that I've had time to wake up a little more and process. These are the times I wish I could send flowers to their school...something happy and bright, with a note asking for forgiveness for being so darn grumpy. Or call them up on a cell phone right in the middle of a math test..."Hey, sorry, real quick: I love you. Sorry Mommy was a jerk this morning." Wouldn't that be great? I think I'll write them a note apologizing so they can have it and keep it and read it again the next time I pummel them with my crankiness. Sigh.

This parenting stuff, it's hard! I know they're only kids...I shouldn't be annoyed that my daughter freaked out about having to have a sack lunch today right as it was time to walk out the door, or that she left her glasses at church the other night. Nevermind that my son suddenly decided he didn't like grilled cheese even though he's liked it for 7 years. Nevermind that they were stomping and clomping around the house and arguing with everything we said, waking up their little siblings (way too early!). I remember being a kid. I remember how annoying I was, but I know it wasn't intentional.

This is where we need that verse about how God's mercies are new every morning. Except I need them to be "new" TWICE every morning. That way, when I blow it the first time around, come 9am, I can get some more!

So here we go on our busy day, hoping for the best from the littles since they didn't get much sleep, but bracing myself in case we have some extra meltdowns. I'm operating on 4 hours of sleep, so this could get ugly. Won't be able to take a nap today either. Oh...help! Lord, help!

Rise & Shine

2010-02-17T05:48:00.001-08:00

So this morning, we were short on clean laundry. My son was sentenced to wear some pleated khaki Dockers, and let's just say he was less than thrilled. Ten minutes after being told to put them on, I find him crouched in his room in a corner, ultimately depressed and horrified to be seen in the pants. Mercifully, we found a pair of jeans right as they were walking out the door to leave for school, so Jeremy let him change. He really didn't look bad, but I'm trying to remember what it was like as a kid. It's good his daddy had compassion.

On another note, I've been waging a war against early rising. When the big kids rush out the door in the mornings, they've been waking the little kids up, and it's driving me batty. I got some room-darkening curtains for their room, thinking I'd outsmarted the sunshine, but no no no they're still waking up. I know I shouldn't complain so much b/c some kids wake up at like 6am or something, and 7:30 isn't too horrible, but here's the honest truth: I'M JUST NOT READY TO START MY DAY THAT EARLY. Meaning....I'm not ready to start my job - my WORK - being a Mom - that early. After waking up with the baby and feeding him, I really want to just snuggle back into bed. Or at least have some time with just me and God - some quiet time - some reflection time - time to gear up for the day. When the littles wake up early and immediately come TO me, my insides are screaming for SPACE and privacy (you know....the 2 things we as moms sign away in the delivery room).

I've retreated to our computer/music room while they're snuggled up in blankets watching cartoons on PBS. Sweet little girls. I love them. I've got all the blinds opened in this room I'm in and it's filled up with morning sun, and it's invigorating. My mood is lifting. I wish I were sitting out in the country on a front porch with a cup of coffee and dew fresh on the grass. Maybe a deer off in the distance. Some birds digging in the soft morning dirt. But for now, I'll enjoy this peaceful view of my surprisingly, for the ghetto, peaceful neighborhood. Something about the quiet of a morning that replenishes your soul. "Be still, and know that I am God." It's good to be still. And it's good that "He restores my soul."

Doesn't our Father know exactly what we need? It's good...it's good that MY Daddy has compassion.

Humility

2010-01-15T10:51:00.001-08:00

I feel like the past few years of my life have been spent learning humility. For an almost-only child who grew up without siblings to fight with and who pretty much thought the world revolved around her, this is actually a good thing. I'm not saying I'm enjoying it...it's trying, for sure. But oh, so needed.

The more I think about it, I would say the whole humility thing started with having kids. I mean, what's more humbling than having your legs spread apart and a room full of people staring at your crotch while you try to push a watermelon through...well...you know what I'm saying. After that, it was the nursing...having those "whoops" moments when feeding your ravished newborn in public but not having quite mastered the art of keeping everything covered. Then, as the kids mature, it's the meltdowns in the middle of the grocery store aisle, or the sheer amount of time spent with your rear in the air as you bend down to tie shoes, put on socks, pull up training pants, etc. etc. Yes...this mothering thing should be practiced in monasterys around the world!

But that aside, I'm praying that I learn to love humility. See, there's a verse I found this morning that I've heard a million times, but reading it again reminded me of its significance:

"Think of yourselves the way Christ Jesus thought of himself. He had equal status with God but didn't think so much of himself that he had to cling to the advantages of that status no matter what. Not at all. When the time came, he set aside the privileges of deity and took on the status of a slave, became human! Having become human, he stayed human. It was an incredibly humbling process. He didn't claim special privileges. Instead, he lived a selfless, obedient life and then died a selfless, obedient death—and the worst kind of death at that—a crucifixion."-Phil. 2:5-7 (The Message)

There's something in me that feels the need to explain...to prove myself...to make sure people know my capabilities or my talents - my giftings. To prove that I'm not just some lady who's barefoot and pregnant all the time (although my friend Jeni is right...I AM!), to let them know that I didn't grow up over in the ghetto (even though that's where we currently reside), to let them know I'm educated, etc. But you know what? Who cares?!! Just me, really. So instead, I just keep quiet, even though everything in me is screaming out to be really known. I'll admit that most of the time, I don't keep quiet on my own...usually, the situation affords me no luxury of explaining things to onlookers...but I'm praying that I, too, will "live a selfless, obedient life" with a thousand daily cruxifications of MY plan, MY will, MY need to be respected blah blah blah. I want to embrace humility. If the greatest person who ever lived was able to do it (and asks US to do it), it must be worthwhile. It must be worth it. It must be the best thing for us, with a higher goal, a deeper purpose, a beautiful result.

Here's a thought to close: Wasn't it just like God to rub shoulders with the lowely and the despised? I'm so glad He wasn't haughty when He came. I'm so glad He embraced lepers and spit in the dirt and cursed at fig trees. He didn't have to be this way...He didn't have to be a God so near. And He chose "the foolish things of the world to shame the wise." The lowly things, the disgraced, and He came right into our world, beginning with dirty hay, fleas, rats, cattle, sheep, a feeding trough, a carpenter, and a teenage girl. WOW.

My List

2009-12-30T08:41:00.000-08:00

nevermind...i was typing - almost done - and my 4 y/o came in and pushed the delete button. it's all gone. sigh. don't have it in me to retype right now.

raw mommyhood.

H(cr)appy Christmas Eve Eve

2009-12-23T18:24:00.000-08:00

I had high hopes of a beautiful evening. The "Christmas at Belmont" special, hosted by Trisha Yearwood (one of my fave singers), was on PBS at 7, and I had whipped up a yummy pasta dish for supper at the last minute. The hubby has been working late the past few nights trying to wrap up a project before Christmas. But I planned for the kids and I to get the house cleaned after supper, then I would cook up a batch of cookies and we'd watch the TV special together. WRONG. Wrong, wrong, wrong.

The house cleaning had its moments of triumph. The older 2 really pitched in and the oldest did a thorough bathroom cleaning all by herself. She really is amazing! After I had washed the dinner dishes, I found out that the sponge she used to clean the bathroom had been put...in...the...sink. SO. I tried to have a cheery attitude, but I failed, and I had to redo all the dishes I had just attacked with a fury.

By the time the special was airing, the kids were watching it while I was on cookie duty, except they were laughing and making fun of the choral singers, the male ballet dancers, etc. Not that I blame them a whole lot, but it just wasn't the time and place to be doing that. (you know, in the safety and comfort of our home.uh...) but anyways, it was bedtime and a privilege for them to stay up, so one by one, I sent rowdy kid after rowdy kid to bed, cookie-less and loudly protesting. So much for hearing the TV show. I tried. I tried to block out the screaming and thrashing and complaining and questioning. My eldest remained on the couch, wanting to snuggle. Sigh. I tried not to reject her - tried to explain that Mommy was in a really cranky mood and that I really didn't want to snuggle, but that I loved her and maybe she could come just sit next to me quietly. Yeah. I know. But that's what I said.

After the special (after a few cookies and spoons full of cookie dough), this same daughter sighed and said "Maybe tomorrow, you'll be a better mommy!" as she slinked off to bed. And I retorted loudly that I WAS a good mommy today and that I needed time to NOT be a mommy before I went to sleep tonight.

Let me just add that we had a good day together, all of us. In fact, the past 3 days haven't been awful, and maybe even a bit pleasant. (Having the big kids home from school all day AND not having Jeremy around in the evening.) But tonight, tonight, I just didn't hold together well at all. I'm a little ashamed. I still loved on them. I alternated barking and loving, and my 2 year old is still yelling for me to come cover her up, even though she's perfectly capable of doing it herself. I've already had to discipline her twice tonight, and to be honest, I don't have it in me to go do it again. So I'm just pretending I don't hear her. Nevermind that she's keeping everyone else from falling asleep.

Anyone have a stiff drink? Or at least a stiff latte? Here's a book title I came up with once..."My Kids Drove Me to Drinking".

Alright...signing off...Jim Brickman's Christmas CD is on, all lights but the tree are off, and I'm hoping to get some true quiet time to just contemplate all the ways I failed today as a mother. KIDDING!

...kind of. :)

Pursuit of Peace

2009-12-18T05:42:00.000-08:00

So I woke up when the husband and big kids left for work/school today. "This is great!", I thought to myself. "The house is quiet. I'll get up now and have some quiet time before my littles wake up, and then I can really spend time with them when they wake up instead of trying to get some alone time then! Wonderful!" Except I had literally been awake 7 minutes when the little girls woke up. One of them is already throwing the loudest fit this side of Oklahoma. My heart is pounding and my blood is boiling and I feel like I've got my fingernails dug into peace and am trying to hold on to it by the skin of my teeth. What does the Bible say...something about "seek peace and pursue it"? Maybe that's because living in peace (and being AT peace) is harder than it seems. It doesn't just happen to you...at least not when you have small children. On another note, that verse in Psalms that says "how good, how pleasant it is when brothers live together in unity (peace)" has taken on a whole new meaning in my life. I get it. I TOTALLY get it now.

You know, usually, I wake up and I think about my day and I kind of formulate a plan. I'm a planner...I like to have a "to do" list and a loose schedule. (although a tight schedule is my favorite, but i've learned that's not possible anymore) And maybe I'm growing in this motherhood thing, because THIS morning, after I made my plan, I then admitted to myself that the likelihood of my plan happening is about 50%, and that I just need to let it go and hope for the best. So that's what I'm doing. Hey...there's still a 50% chance I'll get something done today that's on my list. Not bad odds! Not preferable, but not deplorable, either.

On another note, I've been noticing lately (as in, the past couple years) my affinity for variety. This is a good thing sometimes, but usually, it fleshes itself out more in the lack of discipline category, as in "I'll do something for awhile, but then get tired of it and quit." My consistency meter usually peters out after a few weeks/months. But I've also noticed how many ups and downs life has. I mean, I'll be doing great - great! - with different challenges/routines in my life, and then a blow will come, or maybe I'll just get bored with it - and I'm off the path again. And I was thinking about this little tree I have. We inherited it when it was just a stalk sticking out of a big planter/pot thingy. We didn't know what kind of tree it was or if it was alive or dead or what, but we stuck it in the sun and watered it. Well, come spring, we were overjoyed to find it starting to grow leaves. Amazing! Seriously - this was a huge highlight of my spring! I was filled with such hope as this little tree began to grow leaf after leaf after beautiful green leaf! It was fruitful and full of life! It was such an inspiration to me of hope and perseverance. Everytime I looked at it, the spring in my step increased.

But then...a few weeks ago...we had some uncharacteristicly cold weather. I forgot about our little tree being affected by this, and come morning, every one of those long, beautiful leaves were wilted. They hung straight down - totally limp - totally dead. I scooted the tree around the yard all day the next day so it could have direct sunlight, but alas, it still hung limp. I then brought the tree inside and put my coat over it in hopes of keeping it warm, but it was too late. One night's freeze and all that life was gone. I am still so, so sad about this. How quickly life can be snuffed out! I'm sure there are deeper metaphors here, but the one I want to focus on is the thousands of little deaths that happen to us in our lifetimes. We go through seasons...winter often the hardest, naturally. No signs of life. Then suddenly, boom, leaves and green and growth! But when we're not looking - we let our guard down - and then death, again. And had I taken care of this tree better, it would probably have made it through the cold - dormant - but would spring to life again as temperatures increased. It just reminds me of the many victories and defeats that make up my life, particularly in this journey of motherhood.

So here I sit...the house is quiet again. I'm guessing my littles succombed to the toastiness of their beds and the darkness of the house. My moment of annoyance and frustration has passed - defeat - and now I'm at peace again - victory!

But here's the goal, here's the goal: To have a peace that isn't based on circumstances. And that - THAT - comes in the form of a person. So now, I'm going to get off of this blog and seek Him, who sets my soul truly at rest, who "leads me beside quiet waters", who "restores my soul".

Beautiful Snow

2009-12-04T10:50:00.000-08:00

I am overwhelmed with emotion right now. It’s snowing. It never snows here - I think the last time was 2 years ago, and that was a freak thing in MARCH. It’s so beautiful. And I just feel like something is changing. I feel like it’s the blessing of God, coming down so beautiful and so pure and so good. There are times the blessing of God comes violently like the waves of an ocean or a waterfall, but somes times it comes to us like snow drifting, floating, light. Wonderful.

The last few snowflakes have fallen and the sun in coming out, and it’s like we’re left saying, “Did that really happen?!” While we were in the midst of it, it was so overwhelmingly beautiful and real. And now there’s hardly a sign of it, but we can know in our hearts and treasure that it did - it DID - it did. And I think this is where we get glimpses of heaven and realize that this earth is not our home. That beauty like that is real, and while we may only get occasional glimpses, in heaven, the home of the King it’s always so. Like CS Lewis talks about, we were made longing for a distant land, a joy we’ve never known…there’s something in our hearts that knows eternity is real and the Kingdom of Heaven is real and that there is a King and He is good and He is love. It’s so easy to forget down here. It’s hard and ugly and everything is so full of decay and deceit and ruin. But oh, as the old hymn goes, “How beautiful heaven must be!”. And how beautiful its Light, its Lamb.

So I pause - I take pause - in reverence…realizing my own frailty and the many times I’ve chosen to believe what I can see over what I can’t see, what I don’t have the strength at times to hope for. But hope is just around the corner - it’s just around the corner! And whether it be the few seconds our eyes are opened and we see what really is, or whether it be permanently entering that world through ceasing to live in this fallen one, hope is just around the corner and it calls to us. Oh, longing in my heart, you were put there on purpose! Longing for home - for the King - for heaven! “How beautiful heaven must be!”

Road Block Ahead

2009-12-02T05:18:00.000-08:00

So I've been thinking lately about the source of my frustration with my kids, and I've talked about this before, but I want to say again that it usually boils down to 2 things: 1) blocked goals, or 2) fear.

I think about most of the times I lose my cool with my kids, and it's over seemingly little things: getting out the door and loaded into the van when we're late, getting someone to stay in their beds and sleep, having a clean house, driving around town with peace and quiet, etc.. These are normal things, normal desires, for sure. But OH! Look out! Even the simplest one will be blocked and fought against. And this, THIS, is the infuriating part.

When I see celebrity moms or even moms around town who seem really "put together" and cool, I often wonder how they respond to the different situations that parenting inevitably brings. (i.e. daughter is supposed to be at school early. we're already late, and she can't find one of her shoes, and for some reason, no other shoe options exist) I just sometimes wish I could be a fly on the wall and see what goes down in other houses. Any celebrities out there wanna fill us in??

Anyhoo, I just think that any adult would be angry if his goals were constantly blocked. That is my chief frustration, at this point. You'd think I'd just give in and give up, but something in me keeps tenaciously insisting on getting my way. I don't know if this is a good thing or a bad thing, but boy, some ugly words are getting said in the process, and did I mention I think I strained my vocal chords last week in an intensely passionte rant?

Sigh. Where are THESE topics in the motherhood books?!

Till We Have Faces

2009-11-20T12:10:00.000-08:00

Has anyone read TILL WE HAVE FACES by C.S. Lewis? I just finished it, and man, I LOVED it, but my brain hurts! I feel like one of the main points of the book is the definition of true love, love that is self-sacrificing and love that wants the absolute best for the one who is loved, even if it hurts the one who loves. Pretty intense.

It relates to a thousand other truths in life, but also to this journey of parenthood. I've been realizing more and more that love down here on earth just pales in comparison to real love...to Real Love, the person. Our meager offerings of love and devotion and commitment...how weak they are, how self-centered, and how tainted, regardless of how pure we think they be.

Can't write more right now...baby screaming.

GRIT AND GRACE

2009-11-14T08:32:00.000-08:00

So I think I've finally figured out what frustrates me the most sometimes. I'm sure there are countless emotions contributing to the "cranky mommy" state, but here's one I think I've finally singled out. It's the feeling of waking up hopeful, but then realizing that the day is not your own. Realizing that no matter how badly you want to jump in the car and just go shopping or drive around town or, really, insert ANY goal into this equation, that I am at the mercy of the little people who live in my house. I'll wake up in a good mood, birds are singing, sun is shining, there may even be a bluebird somewhere around my shoulder. But oh so quickly, the sun goes behind the cloud, the birds fly off, and the rain comes down. This can be the result of extremely loud fighting, squawking, screeching, and crying. When this happens, I just shut down inside, and it's such a defeating feeling because it's like I'm trying SO hard to hold on to peace and to being a "happy Mommy", but it constantly eludes me. I don't know...maybe better moms could maintain their sense of peace and cheerfulness in the middle of ear-splitting fights and screeches, but me, I just lose it! It just BOTHERS me - it gets under my skin - it INFURIATES me! And then add to that constant butting up against your requests and arguing and slowness in obeying, and MAN, it's 9am and Mommy is thoroughly pissed.

I had grand hopes for the day. Woke up to sunshine, which always fills me with hope. Made pancakes, bacon, eggs for breakfast. But halfway through the cooking, Mommy's mood went south. Oh, I so long for the days when I could maintain a pleasant attitude ALL DAY! What the heck?!!! What happened to me? What happened to that bubbly teenager who was always smiling and laughing? SIGH. Maybe I'm being unrealistic. Growing up is hard to do, for sure. And sometimes, I tell myself, "You know, ANY adult would be annoyed by this. NO ONE likes it when someone screams in their ear. NO ONE likes to be argued with when they tell someone to do something. NO ONE likes it when someone is hurting someone else for the heck of it. It's normal and natural to feel this way!" But then I wonder, how do all these other moms maintain sanity? Maybe I'm all alone on this "it sucks sometimes to be a Mommy" island. And if I'm alone, then by golly, I might as well hang up some decorations and make this place my own. Because I'm going to be honest about it. This parenting thing, it's hard.

Sure, there's the voice telling me to just suck it up and deal with it. To get over myself. No one said that parenting was easy. That this is where I am in life and this is what I've chosen. And granted, that voice has some value. But if for no other reason than to clarify my emotions, I need to vent, to just be able to say it and get it out of my head so I can address it, say "yeah, you're right, Erin...it's hard." And move on.

I guess, if nothing else, I know that my Father hears these cries and agonies of my heart. And maybe it's all just a part of dying to yourself, of truly living selflessly. I know that's good for me, but I sure don't come by it naturally, and I sure don't like it! :)

I love my kids. I am so thankful that I have them. But sometimes, being their mother really kicks my butt. That's probably part of God's plan for my life...I need some butt-kicking because I grew up spoiled and selfish and territorial. I grew up feeling entitled and unrestrained. And He's given me these little ones not only to bless me, which they do, but also to teach me how to be more like Him. To love when I don't feel like it, to love by sticking it out and just persevering through the hard stuff by sheer grit. Grit...and grace. Boy, do I need a lot of grace! I think I have a new mantra...

Oh, For Solitude!

2009-11-09T14:43:00.000-08:00

So it's one of those days. One of those days when you don't want your kids to touch you. At all. Or come near you. Or breathe on you. Or talk to you. Yep...THOSE days.

It all started with a crazy Sunday. Maybe I had too many sweets the night before - not sure. But all I know is I was extremely aggressive all day yesterday. Today, waking up hoping to get some respite by only having to deal with my three younger children, I actually had to repeat Sunday all over again, minus the brief interludes that church provides and minus helpful husband. M & J stayed home from school, and they both, yep both, have strep throat. Hello, five children. These are the times I'm feeling it!

Because my 2 older kids are home, my 2 and 4 year olds didn't sleep during naptime today. AT ALL. Not to mention that b/c of the time change, every freaking person in the family was awake at the crack of dawn. Currently, my 2 year old is climbing all over me, and I really am recoiling, although she has no clue. Score one for patience. At least she doesn't know. But boy, my skin is crawling, and I just want space and quiet and to NOT be touched!

Sheesh. What a day. I think I'm going to ask hubby for a long night at the bookstore tonight. SOMETHING'S gotta give!

Maybe I'll have a better post later, but for now, it's just...raw!

Not-so-joyful Noises

2009-10-21T12:21:00.000-07:00

Note to Self: When baby is learning to "cry it out", installing a door on his room is imperative. Otherwise, beloved baby's cries sound like fingernails on a chalkboard...especially when the rest of the family (including Mommy) is trying to sleep.

After convincing myself that baby really was fine and would eventually stop crying, I miraculously dozed off into slumber, only to hear 4-year-old sneaking the markers out of the craft drawer. I raised my hand and snapped as loudly as I could and did some angry pointing back towards her room, and it must have worked, because yet again, Mommy somehow went back to dozing.

These are the things, I've noticed, that make for a cranky mommy. Earlier today, 4-year-old and 2-year-old beloved daughters were loudly singing some kind of "bang banga bang" song at the dinner table, and I found my head starting to pound along with their incessant chanting. My tone of voice got a little shorter, and my instructions quite snippy. I was able to step away from the situation mentally and convinced myself that I wasn't a beast for feeling this way. I pictured some of the adults I know, random adults that don't have children, and I pictured them sitting at this table with me, and clearly, they were as annoyed as I was. Yes...it is annoying to the adult ear to hear loud repetition of otoematpias (or however you spell that word). This would get on even the kindest person's nerves, I'm sure of it. BUT...I told myself...NAPTIME is sweet respite from noise, so if you, Mommy, can just endure a little bit longer, peace will come.

But did I mention beloved baby's screaming? Sigh!

Fullness of Joy

2009-10-20T13:01:00.000-07:00

So after posting my "Blue Sky Blues" on Saturday, I took action. I got a can of Dr. Pepper out of the fridge, grabbed Jeremy's guitar, and went and sat outside on the porch while my kids were finishing naptime. Then, when my littles woke up, we went to the lake and met up with the rest of the family, and had a truly glorious evening! We were all out on this floating dock, all 7 of us, and my poor youngest were constantly getting barked at to sit on their rumps and stay put in the very center of the dock. But, barking aside, we had a great time of pointing out clouds, watching a crane who was perched in a dead tree, and analyzing every little detail of some fisherman who had decided to load his boat right beside us. Poor guy - he probably wasn't prepared at all for the reality-star he would become as we discussed his every move.
While the big boys (older son & daddy) fished a little longer into the evening, the girls and baby boy and I went for a little stroll around the lake. It was such a beautifully wonderful weather day, and, thank You, Jesus!, I actually got to enjoy it. And I have to say I really enjoyed my family, too. It's been a great weekend of family-ness, honestly. Saturday was great, and then Sunday morning, we woke up too late to make it to the church service we usually go to, so we decided to have family-church at home. Jer lead worship, I led the lesson, and it actually was really good! Our theme was "it's God's KINDNESS that leads us to repentence." I think the kids actually "got" it, what with my dramatization that involved tying my daughter to a chair (representing how seemingly "little" sins can actually end up making us prisoners). Maybe this chair routine can come into play a little more...say, when the kids are hyper-crazy after school...hmmm. Okay, obviously kidding, but...hey. So then, Sunday evening, we were supposed to go to an outreach at the park that our Lifegroup was doing, but we were running late for that, too (surprise, surprise), so when we headed that direction but realized we were over an hour late, we ditched the whole plan and ended up at the Dam. We then had a really awesome walk along the dam as a family. Yes, the "dam walk". (Makes me laugh every time!)
I had lunch with a great friend today (Erin Ivy!), and she was quick to encourage me that this hard stuff of parenting is only for a season, and as Darius Rucker sings in his current radio-hit, "It won't be like this for long. These days are gonna fly by." So I'm feeling very full, full of thankfulness for these children I have and the wonderful husband that gave them to me. And the beautiful Father who put it all together. Good days, bad days...I have plenty of both. But, wow - what a great weekend! Oh, and we had BBQ for supper...and hubby got me my fave ice cream as a surpise! Now did I mention I could do without the extra calories? But I'm thankful - so thankful. Besides...I think I've mentioned it before...but if God can give me DoubleTree chocolate chip cookies, surely some ice cream every now and then isn't such a bad thing! (I'll save the cookie story for another day)

The Blue Sky Blues

2009-10-17T10:03:00.001-07:00

It's a beautiful Saturday. After a week of rain, the clouds have cleared and the sun is shining. We've had a great morning of blackberry pancakes, sausage, eggs, and family togetherness. I'm thankful. But now, Jeremy is off for some much-needed (and long-in-coming) fishing, and I'm sighing because I would so love to go with him. Thankfully, he's taking the older 2 kids with him, bless his heart, so my littles are just now down for a nap and I'll have some alone-time. That's nice, for sure. But I can't help feeling a bit sorry for myself because I remember the time (aka "the largest part of my life") when I could go outside every day whenever I wanted to. That might sound silly...but I've always been the kind of "kid" who needed to "go out" every day. I remember being in school (elementary and Jr. High)"stuck" in a class and wistfully looking out the window at the sun and wanting so desperately to be in it. When I went to high school, I was truly downhearted to learn that none of the classrooms had windows...there were windows in the common areas, but not in the classrooms,and I wondered how I would cope. If too long passed before I got to go outside, I would start to get really down. I remember in high school that sometimes, I would just run outside in between classes in hopes of reviving my downcast state with some much-needed Vitamin D.
So here I am, in a home with, literally, 40 windows, and I feel trapped in it. I always talk about how the house holds me prisoner sometimes. Not really, but because there are so many children and getting "out and about" with them is no easy task, I usually just give up and give in and STAY in. Ugh. I've noticed about myself, as well, that I don't feel so much of the longing to go outside anymore. It's like I've become accustomed to this cave. And sometimes, I pull the curtains shut...almost like I'm shielding myself from the rest of the world. Probably not that great of a thing to do. Probably a mild depression going on there. But my true self fights for hope and for light and for freedom...for running wild in a field of dandelions, for driving down the interstate with my windows down, or at least for sitting on a bench at a playground while my monkeys monkey around.
Today, the longing is back. I want to be free, to be outside, to walk around wherever I want, to drive wherever I want. To not have to think of anyone but myself. To not have to buckle a carseat or yell at a kid who's making loud noises and breaking my daydreaming. Sigh. But I'm telling myself that one day, one day, I'll have plenty of opportunities to take advantage of a beautiful day. And meanwhile, I'm going to try to be thankful, thankful that I have carseats to buckle and kids to yell at. :) And besides...maybe I can talk hubby into heading to a pumpkin patch after naptime. See...there's always hope! :)

Everyday Mercies

2009-09-30T06:09:00.000-07:00

So regarding my last blog about the toothbrushing, let me just say that God is good and He is merciful! We went to the dentist last week (all children with teeth, anyway), and of all of them, here's what he said about the two-year-old toothbrush-toilet-dipper..."Her teeth are pristine!". Seriously?! I just had this overwhelming sense of God's grace envelop me when he said that. Just this sense that God is so much more loving and so much more good than we could ever comprehend, or, moreoever, ever deserve. I know it might sound silly when talking about the state of my kids' teeth, but it's true. I was deeply impacted.

Maybe it's because one of my prayers has always been that God would "fill in the gaps" in all the areas where my weaknesses or failures have made holes. Holes in my parenting, holes in the way I love my kids, holes in the way I take care of them. It's hard enough to do it right with just one child, let alone five. I realize this and am often paralyzed by the thought of it. And my heart just utters a feeble, "Help, Lord!".

One of the verses God gave me when I found out I was pregnant with my sweet #5 was in Isaiah where it talks about how "even the youth will grow tired and weary, but those who wait on the Lord will have renewed strength." I'm older now and have less energy, but I felt like God was promising me that if I'd look to Him, "His right hand will uphold me", as it says in Psalms. That He will be my strength. And His strength, coupled with a thousand other aspects of His character but mostly His grace, will take care of my kids and cover over all the mistakes and all the ways I fall short in my parenting.

Little did the dentist know that his announcement would write itself upon my heart!

Toothbrushing Fiasco

2009-09-15T19:20:00.000-07:00

So today, I descend upon a most interesting toothbrushing scene in our bathroom. Shiloh, my two-year-old, has just dipped her toothbrush into the toilet bowl "because there's water in there, Mommy!". ARE YOU KIDDING ME????!!! How does one respond to this?!!!! I thought about taking her to get dry cleaned or maybe making her swallow a gallon of hand sanitizer. But seriously...how long has this been going on?!

I have to confess I'm thinking this is what I deserve b/c I don't often supervise the daily cleansing of the teeth. The dentist asks, "So do they brush their teeth by themselves, or do you help them?" Uh...why do you ask? Is it because they're teeth are impeccable due to obvious adult intervention? Or is it because they're rotting underneath and it's obvious that Mommy has 5 kids and sometimes slacks in the grooming department?

Sigh! But I will say that this is one of those areas I freak out about. Teeth. I mean, maybe we get a little mercy, what with the baby teeth eventually falling out, but these permanent teeth...wow...they're supposed to last a lifetime. And sure, I don't let them eat candy very often, and the little ones have never taken juice sippy cups to bed...but that strawberry-flavored mouth wash formulated just for kids? REEEALLY. To me, that has "poison potential" written all over it. I mean, first of all, what kid under age 10 knows how to gargle and then spit? There's no question that about 85% of what's swished about in the mouth will be ultimately ingested. No thank you. And as for the floss...well...I confess...we floss about once a month, if that. My kids use floss as a tool, alright, but more so a tool for hanging toys from chairs, making parachutes for My Little Ponies, and such.

Let's just say I'm praying that God has some sort of miracle for redeeming spotty teeth maintenance, because the whole business of teeth is something I find completely overwhelming. Pretty much, until a kid is capable of scrubbing those things into tip-top shape all by himself/herself, we just kind of stick the toothbrush in the mouth and hope for the best. Besides...have you ever tried to brush a screaming toddler's teeth? You'd think you could really get in there and manuever, what with the wide-open mouth, but it's the kicking and thrashing that really cramp one's style.

Anyhoo...I guess if worst comes to worst, they can always fall on the graces of cosmetic dentistry. Maybe I'll start a "yeah, your mom wasn't that great at implementing a proper tooth brushing routine until you were old enough to handle it yourself, so here's some money to get caps on all your teeth when you're in your twenties" savings account. Or...and this would be a stroke of luck...maybe the bleach we clean the toilet with works wonders on the human mouth. Maybe Shiloh...maybe she's on to something!

Spilt Milk

2009-09-09T06:55:00.000-07:00

So whoever came up with the adage "No use crying over spilt milk!" must have had a two-year-old. Seriously...I think I clean up spilt milk every other day. It's amazing how many times I hear this phrase in my head while I'm trying not to express my frustration verbally. And it's amazing how many times this has helped me keep things in perspective! Who knew?!

Little Wonders

2009-08-27T08:01:00.001-07:00

Remember what I said about my two-year-old normally talking in big sentences? Here's something she just said. (Shiloh was drinking out of a cup with drawings on it, while Anneliese just had a plain colored cup with a star. Anneliese was talking about the star, and Shiloh responded with this):

"I don't have a star on my cup. I have people! See, Mommy? That's Clifford!"

And this kid hasn't been 2 for that long! Maybe I'm a little biased, but I think she's brilliant! :)

Then, earlier today, Maddy was rushing out the door for
school but also reciting a poem she had just written, something about popcorn. Let's just say it was full of "POP POP POP!".

Fun morning sounds, sweet little voices, little minds, full of discovery. I'm blessed!

Legs and Such

2009-08-26T08:55:00.000-07:00

So there's this Barbie leg that's been lying on the floor of our office for a few days. Finally, someone noticed it and picked it up again to play with. It just happened to be my two-year-old, Shiloh. She brings it to me. "Leg, Mommy!" (For the record, Shiloh can talk in big sentences, but I guess she didn't feel the need due to the obvious nature of the statement.)

I take it from her and proceed to imaginatively show her all the things it could be. You know, a knife, a fork, a popsicle stick, etc. After my little show, which I happen to think is brilliant and quite entertaining, she continues looking at me with her blank stare, clearly unimpressed. It's quiet for a moment as I'm smiling, waiting for some sort of recognition of my brilliance. And she says again, "...Mommmy. LEG."

Ah, well. Yes, I guess that's all it is. Although a few minutes later, I notice she had found the leg's partner and was using them as drum sticks. I sometimes laugh to myself at the thought that we don't even bat an eye at the Barbie carnage lying all over the house. In closing, I'll add that when I set out the coloring materials just now for my two littlest girls, the Barbie legs were haplessly thrown to the floor as she abandoned them for crayons. Poor Barbie!

Mid-Afternoon Panic

2009-08-18T13:30:00.000-07:00

So for what it's worth, I'm going to describe what I'm feeling now, which is an all-too-familiar sense of panic. Why am I panicked? Why is my stomach in knots and why am I fighting this feeling like I need to instantly escape?!

It's "Mid-afternoon Panic"! Translated as such: It's 3:40. I haven't been to the grocery store this week, so I therefore have nothing to prepare for supper tonight. Husband is coming home in 2 hours expecting a family meal, and I've got nothing. Not to mention that I'm feeling really light-headed and out-of-it, which means I've either got low blood sugar or need to intake more iron. THEN, in this state, I've got to figure out how to procure food for the evening. My two oldest kids are out with my mom and will be arriving any time, which will no doubt up the volume and stress level, and I'm mentally not ready for them and their constant requests. Additionally, husband is headed back to work after dinner, which means I'll be "single momming" it all night. Ugh. AND I'm adding a three-year-old nephew to the mix, which means I will be trapped at the house b/c there's literally no room in our mini-van for all of us. PANICCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCC!!!!

I'm freaking out. Everything in me is saying, "Run!! Escape!!!" But where the heck am I going to go? I feel like I need to get out of the house (because I haven't yet today), maybe go exercise or something, or maybe take a shower. But I'm started to feel a little depressed on top of it all b/c I feel like I can't win. I feel like I can't ever be on top of things. I feel trapped and like I'm stuck in this house and with these responsibilities that I can't adequately take care of. I long for the day when I'm back in my "groove" and when I'm accomplishing more than a few things every day.

This is not the best side of me, for sure. But I wanted to record it in case, if nothing else, I need my husband to read it so he understands me a little better.

AAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!!

Separation Anxiety

2009-08-17T17:30:00.000-07:00

I've noticed, as a mom, that there are definite times when I desperately need to separate myself from my kids and FEEL like I'm my own person. Tonight was one of those nights. Jeremy has been working nights during the week, and while we had an AWESOME family weekend (time at friends' houses, swimming at the lake, etc.), it's Monday again, and I feel like a single parent. After supper, I loaded everyone up and we headed to a nearby gym for some much-needed "separation time".

Unfortuntely, they weren't providing childcare tonight, so my plan of taking my frustration out on the nearest treadmill fizzled. But we headed to the basketball courts, where we could all run around, shoot hoops, and just generally enjoy our own separate identities. It was SO fun, and mutually enjoyed by all! I even loosened up enough to swing my kids in circles by their arms, faster, faster, faster, so fast we almost took flight!

When we were getting ready to leave, my four-year-old, who is seriously tiny, came up to me with a sad look on her face and said, "Mommy, why am I so small?!" And I said, "What do you mean?!" She said, "My body...it's so small!" and I said, "Baby, are you feeling small tonight?" and she sadly nodded her head. Oh! Heart breaking! I tried to assure her that she would eventually grow bigger, but that's not much comfort to a wee preschooler.

When we got home just now, I was putting her in bed, and she was again bemoaning the fact that she was so little. I tried the whole "Guess what?! When you sleep, your body GROWS!" (it's true, you know!). But she put me in my place with a tearful, "but I'm not going to be bigger in the morning!". My goodness...sometimes, you want to distance yourself so far from your children that you're on different continents, and then other times, you want to draw them so close that they squish into you and you absorb them.

It's the latter times...the times you want to pull them so near...that make it all worth it. The prayer of my heart is: "GOD! Please don't let me say something that I will regret during the times my heart is far away." While I treasure my time apart, my time to remember who I am as an individual, I treasure even more the times I remember why I love being my kids' mother.

Foundation of Thankfulness

2009-08-12T08:17:00.001-07:00

So first of all, you know it's time to jump on the weight-loss bandwagon when your two-year-old asks you if there's still a baby in your tummy. Yeahhhhh...

Second of all, I had this sobering realization the other day that all THIS - meaning this family I've got - could change at any time. You never know what's around the corner, and I want to appreciate and enjoy every minute with these precious little kids of mine and with my awesome husband. Granted, there will definitely be minutes when I'm NOT enjoying my kids, but I want to still, even in the midst of the ugly, crazy nitty-gritty of child-rearing, have an underlying foundation of thankfulness for the gifts I've been given in these kids and in my family as a whole.

With this, though, I have to confess, I've had times when I'm like, "Oh, God, PLEASE don't let THIS be my last interaction with them!" and when my heart is REALLY hard, I tell myself, "Well, they'll be in Heaven and they'll understand why I was so mad at them..." Is that even funny? Don't know, but it's true. Hmm...

Anyhoo, we're off to a busy day, but I'm going to try and remember how blessed I am today...that children truly are "gifts from the Lord", as the Bible says.

The Blessing of Space

2009-08-03T11:23:00.000-07:00

So back to my normal confessions and rants...

Today started off with the normal amount of frenzy. Kids woke me up with a "Mommy, it's some time after 8!" My son was all dressed for swimming lessons, which didn't start until 11, and he's in a panic and asking me if he has to take a nap today. Not my favorite way of waking up, to say the least. I stumbled to the kitchen to try and down a cup of coffee to get my brain functioning, meanwhile fielding multiple requests and panicked questions about the day. Sighhhhh. Then I went into our office, where my husband had written a snarky note to me about the state of our finances and my seemingly utter disregard for poverty. I, being the "clueless by choice" spender of the family, quickly threw clothes on, ordered the kids out the door, and sped to the bank to deposit some hoarded cash and to return a couple of purchases so we'd have some operating money this week. Sighhhhh.

By the time we got back to the house, we're all hungry, kids are whiny, and I was previously only able to swallow 2/3 of my coffee, so let's just say that no one's at their best. Especially me. I get breakfast made and sit everyone down at the table, then I retreat to the office to nurse the baby, surf "help for cranky mommies" websites, and eat eggs and toast one-handed.

At this point, the kids are finishing breakfast and starting to fight with each other. I head back to the dining room to break up the fight between the 2 & 4 year olds, and suddenly realize I'm about to snap. Can't quite put my finger on why, but it's about to happen, so I decide I need to "divide and conquer." I shoo everyone into their rooms to sit on their beds for the remaining 15 minutes until departure time so I can have some time to gear up and plan our day in peace. Unfortunately, my children haven't yet been successfully trained to "obey quicky, cheerfully, and completely" (a mantra you'll hear a lot around our house), so the brakes go on, they demand a "why", and I lose it. That's right...I snapped. I screamed at the top of my lungs "Because I said so, dammit!" Sighhhh. Kids-0, Mommy-0, Anger-1. Everybody loses.

I can't figure out what put me in such a funk this morning. I think part of it was the fact that I'm reading a book on how to train your children to obey and feeling very insufficient in my technique and follow-through these days. It's an awesome book, don't get me wrong, and I'm really excited about implementing its principles. However, I haven't finished yet, so I feel like I'm kind of stuck in Purgatory or something b/c I'm half-informed and half-clueless. But I have read enough to know that children need to obey WITHOUT having to know WHY. This is something I wholeheartedly agree with. Hence the volcano eruption when they demanded a reason for my "order".

Did I mention that this parenting thing kicks my butt? People say age brings wisdom, and boy, is it true. Reading this book ("What the Bible Says About Child Training" by J. Richard Fugate) is causing me to have all kinds of flash-backs about times growing up when I would deliberately disobey my parents or throw fits or talk-back in disrespect. I found myself in deep repentence the other night when I was nodding off to sleep. "Foolishness is bound up in the heart of a child, but the rod of correction will drive it far from him." (in Proverbs somewhere) Interesting thing is, I don't think I really ever learned to submit to authority until I was in my late twenties. I had plenty of experiences with "the rod of correction" as a child, but the rebel inside didn't lay down until I finally matured enough to see the blessing that comes from submitting to the authority that God has placed in your life. It was actually my first "real" job that taught me this.

Anyhoo, I'm kind of digressing into random musings now, but here's something I'm thankful for: times of separation from our kids. My mom graciously took the little girls with her for an hour while the older two, the baby, and I headed to swimming lessons. Sitting on the half-wall watching my kids with their instructors, splashing around in the water and learning a healthy respect for it, I was filled with love again for these little offspring of mine. And I was thankful for the distance between us, thankful for the space that allows me to step outside of the situation and just appreciate them for the little individuals they are. And now, I'm ready to be close to them again, ready for all of us to rub and bump against each other, embracing the tender moments and bracing myself for the ones that cause friction.

Make That a "FIVE Ring Circus"

2009-07-20T20:35:00.001-07:00

That's how I refer to my household these days...five-ring, being M, age 8, J, age 6, A, age 4, S, age 2, and J, age 3 months. Whew - I'm exhausted from just typing it!

So I can't make any promises, but I think I'll start blogging again. I think it helps me keep the right perspective on this parenting thing. Not like I have any "readers" or anything, but who cares...it's definitely theraputic for me. And now I'm trying to NOT turn to sugar or caffeine to remain "pleasant" or even "normal" anymore, so writing will hopefully help me process and vent.

That said, I'll jump right in! The kids and I were bumming around the house tonight while Jer worked late, one of them already in bed, and I just had this burst of energy and determination that I needed to get my lazy butt off the couch and go walking. So we did, all 6 of us, and let me add that it was a most dangerous attempt, seeing as I was severely outnumbered. But we did it, and with only a tiny meltdown upon loading. (My 2 year old currently resists being strapped into her carseat and has also started spitting like a camel...need I say more?) After that, it was smooth sailing ahead!

I had the youngest two in the double stroller and the other 3 were having a great time racing each other around the walking trail. However, the most phenomenal thing happened during one of these races! My little four year old, who is very petite and still wears a size 2T, took off running...and kept on going! She was like Forrest Gump or something, just running like the wind. It was hilarious seeing a tiny little person, outfitted in pink shorts, pink shoes, and a pink shirt, just running so far and so fast on such short legs! Amazing! Who knew?! I had no clue my tiny girl had such endurance. She wowed us all - we were laughing hysterically because none of us could catch up with her. Then, to top it off, when we got home, I sprayed the kids down with the hose before sending them up to bed. Don't get me wrong...we had plenty of arguing and sibling spats interspersed with our lovely evening, but surely this will be one of the memories we talk about for years to come!

Yep - I'm Back!

2008-10-20T17:19:00.001-07:00

So it's been way too long since I've done this, and I'm feeling the effects of it in a major way. I've had quite a few changes since my last post (almost a year ago!), and they are:
1) Maddy & Judah are now attending this great, small public school (2nd grade and Kindergarten)
2) I'm pregnant again - 14 weeks along, presently

SO! That's it. Oh, and I've also been working "part-time" from home managing about 20 properties, which has its fair share of stress.

So the homeschooling thing is no more, at least for this season in life. I'm open to it - I believe in it. I just don't think I'm personally capable of handling it, at least not at this stage of life. Maybe when my babies get a little older? I just can't handle everyone needing me at once and all the distractions when I'm trying to teach the oldest two. Ahhhh! Yes, it was very stressful. I'm thankful that things have changed for now!

There's plenty more to post, but my three-year-old is screaming for me from the bathroom...meaning I "get" to go wipe her poopy bottom...yay! So here's me signing off for now until Mommy duties wane for the evening.

So It's Been Awhile

2007-12-05T14:18:00.001-08:00

Sorry, anyone who checks in on my blog...I'm pretty bad about remembering to come vent here. I owe you one! So here you go:

(This was written the other day while my kids played at the park and I stewed on the bench)
What is WRONG with me?! It's like, I KNOW we all function better when we go to a park or outside every day. But every now and then, I say "no" when my kids ask if we can go just because I don't want them to think they're "running the show." How retarded is THAT?! Usually ,when I get like that, I'm already really annoyed with my kids, and my stupid decision just exacerbates the problem. But they're KIDS! They NEED to get out and play every day! I firmly believe this! So what is my deal?! I'm an idiot!
My oldest sister commented on one of my postings that what helped her (the mother of 4, who are now mostly grown) was to step back from the situation and try to see it from an uninvolved outsider's perspective, instead of reacting in the heat of the moment. Like right now, for instance. After a stressful and failure-of-a-morning, we're at the park. It changes EVERYTHING! The sun feels so good - SO GOOD - on my skin, and the fresh air is healing. It reminds me of everything good and happy, every fond memory growing up and every hope of happy times to come. But I'm trying to write while the kids play, and I've got a very whiny, clingy two-year-old in my arms. Ugh. She's been so needy lately, and, I confess, it's driving me crazy. I'm ashamed to say it, but the last thing I want to do right now is hold her. I'm like, "Hey, Baby, why don't you go play with your sister and brother? Look! You want to go slide?! Ooooh, why don't you go slide?! Mommy needs space right now..." But, my irritation (and selfishness) aside, at least she's lightweight. It would really stink if she were like my other kids and in the 95th percentile for her age. That would be annoying and physically taxing. So there's something to be thankful for. How horrible am I?!

So, that said, here are some things I'm going to post around my house - some much-needed reminders of how to maintain as much peace as possible with my four-ring circus:

1) GO OUTSIDE EVERY DAY!
2) BE THANKFUL
3) RE-EVALUATE YOUR GOALS (and change them if they're leading to constand frustration)
4) A BROKEN, SURRENDERED LIFE SMELLS THE SWEETEST

He Sees Me

2007-11-14T06:57:00.000-08:00

So I’ve only been awake about 15 minutes, but already, it’s been a hard morning. Judah & Maddy got up before they’re supposed to and were out of their beds, even though they KNOW the rule is that they can’t get up until 8:00. SIGH. I was/am so discouraged that they just seem to not care about the rules or the consequences. And I was overwhelmed and not even wanting to deal with it, but knowing I had to.

So I sat down with my Bible, and said, “Father, help me! I need to look up some verses on discipline or something, but I don’t have any idea where to find them.” And I felt like He said to look up Proverbs 22:15. I was like, well, okay, I guess it doesn’t hurt to try. So I did, and GUESS WHICH VERSE IT IS?!

“Folly is bound up in the heart of a child, but the rod of discipline will drive it far from him.”

I am both so encouraged and yet kind of in shock…I mean, one part of me is not surprised at all by this, but the other side…the tiny glimpse of revelation that He really does see me…that part, I’m trying to process! Oh, I know, I know, He sees me, but do I KNOW He sees me? That He's here with me, that He understands how frustrating rebellious children can be, that He wants to guide me so that I can shepherd these little people! That’s so encouraging! I am not alone in this! He is with me! As the Psalmist says, “Selah.” Let’s pause and think about this a moment.

Revelation at St.Arbucks

2007-11-04T21:30:00.000-08:00

So I took my oldest daughter, age 6, to Starbucks tonight for some much-needed one-on-one time together. We sat at a table outside, where she enjoyed a hot chocolate and I sipped on a nonfat (yep, I'm actually losing weight!) carmel macchiato. I mostly just sat and marveled at what a cute daughter I have as she chatted incessantly about everything from the number of children she wants to have (and how she would have to have a really big table to accomodate all six of them!) to how maybe we should get a convertible so we can ride around with the top down on sunny days. And, I have to say, I gave in...gave in to all of it. Gave in to the nagging reminder that I need to do this way more often, gave in to the feeling that this little girl is such a treasure and I am so lucky to have her, and gave in to her request to...dance on the sidewalk to the music being piped through the outdoor speakers. Yep, that's right...I nursed a grown-up coffee drink, post-moderns chatted at a nearby table, and my six-year-old delight danced her heart out in the cool November night. She sat sweetly and silently as I visited briefly with some old friends that I haven't seen in 8 years, and then made me laugh my head off after they left with her very original "rabbit dance". Let me just say that this dance begins with hands in front of her chest, curled up like an Easter bunny's, and ends with a very passionate rear-shaking. HILARIOUS!
Did I mention that I love this girl? I have memories of her when she was little, even as young as 8 months old, and we would get the giggles, and just laugh and laugh and laugh together. She has always had that special ability to do that to/with me. I just stood there tonight and cackled away with the kind of hearty guffaws that bring healing to your body and health to your bones! Thank You, Jesus - I am blessed!

Back to That Raw Stuff

2007-10-07T10:22:00.000-07:00

So I looked back at my previous posts, and, since I'm only posting when I'm having Mommy issues, it seems this happens about once a week. This weekend has been kind of funky, though. Don't know why, but the past few days, I've been in a weird funk. Like, back to where I was when I was always annoyed with my kids and thinking of them as more of a burden than a blessing. Sigh. My hubby had to work all day yesterday - Saturday - so that probably didn't help that I was on my own. However, I did get to put my kids down for a nap at my parents house and run to the bookstore by myself for about an hour and a half. That was a huge blessing!
Anyhoo, the sermon at church today was about honoring our parents. And our pastor mentioned some things from his past about growing up with a mother that was unstable and "adversarial" (his nice way of saying it, but i'm sure it was rough) at times, and I kept thinking, "Oh, Lord, please don't let my kids remember me this way." Because I certainly know that I can be unstable and "adversarial", although probably not to the extent that his mother was, but, boy, no doubt I am completely capable of being worse than I ever dreamed of. And it's like my kids can sense this hesitancy - this fear. The past few days, they've been yelling "I am so mad at you!" and expressing their frustration with me, and on one hand, I understand, so I didn't reprimand them for complaining, but on the other hand, I know that every time they're allowed to yell like that at me, they lose respect for me and gain a little more ground in this battle of the wills. After talking with my husband, I now realize that I can't let them treat me like that - that it's okay to be frustrated, but they need to deal with it in a calm manner and not by stomping their feet and yelling. Most importantly, they need to be respectful. But I feel like such a hypocrite because I yell all the time. I get frustrated all the time, and I throw these little temper tantrums. So how can I require them to not be any different? It's like the whole, "No, you cannot have ice cream every night after dinner!" while I sweep them off to bed so that I can dig into my pint in the freezer. I mean, if I let them give in to all my vices, they'd be totally screwed up by age 14 and incredibly overweight. So I can't let them do it, because I love them and want what's best for them. And I realize that when they are old enough to make their own choices, they may repeat my many sins. But I guess I can just hope and pray that they will see the ill results of them in my life and long to be better.
You know, it's hard being a parent. It's the hardest thing I've ever done. I hear my daughter telling my son "I need space!" or "Ugh...you're making my head hurt by all that talking." and it's so ugly...and we all know where she hears those phrases. Me.
And by the way, while I'm confessing things, here's another one: I don't know what I'm doing. I really don't. I don't know how to do this parenting thing! I don't really know what's best for my kids, or which rules to stick with and which ones are unfair. I don't know who is right when they're fighting, and sometimes, I don't care. I don't want to always have to be the judge or the lawgiver. But here I sit in my lofty chair, trying to balance the legislative, judicial, and executive branches. AAAAAAAAAH! Sometimes, when my kids are looking to me to make a decision, and when I'm on the verge of all hell breaking loose and I need to regain control, I just want to lay down on the floor and curl up in a fetal position. I'm just a little girl - I'm a child - and here I am, the oldest I've ever been in my life, and feeling, at times, less and less competent in my parenting. I mean, I had two preschoolers when I was 25, and there were plenty of foolish mistakes, but, still. That's nothing compared to FOUR needy, clamoring lives that are depending on me to hold it together and shepherd them in a wise and stable way!
I guess this is why the Bible says that "He tenderly leads those that have young." I need to be led. I need the perfect Father to shepherd me and these little ones. I need a strong arm to be there when I just want to give in and not care that my son spit at my daughter or that my daughter has a rotten attitude. I need someone to lean on when my baby and my toddler are crying at the same time and both need to be held. And I NEED TO BE HELD! I NEED TO BE CARRIED! Surely God's heart has a special place for His mommies. Surely there is a special place in his arms for us. My prayer, Lord Jesus, is that You would lead me beside quiet waters...and restore my soul.

Hard Day

2007-10-05T09:28:00.000-07:00

TGIF. I've been having such a great time with the kids that I've forgotten what a "hard day" looks like. But today brings it all back! I should have known it might be tricky b/c a friend of mine called this morning, right when we would normally be doing school, and it got me all off track. I was helping her with something, and the kids, sensing my preoccupation, slowly progressed to "out of control." I was only involved with her for about 15 minutes, but in that time period, all control went out the window and they were going crazy! It's so interesting how they sense when you are distracted and take full advantage of it. It's so frustrating! It took about 30 minutes for me to regain control and get things back to being peaceful! I don't know if it's because it's the end of the week, or because I'm feeling light-headed and having caffeine withdrawal, but my patience is thin and I'm really wishing to be by myself this morning. Sigh. The all-too-familiar feelings of motherhood that I'm not proud of. I was reading them a book this morning, and while my mouth was saying the words, my thoughts were elsewhere. I'm amazed by this ability - I'm sure I'm not the only one. But I was already planning how I was going to swing by the local coffee shop and get a frozen cappuccino. "I could call ahead, leave the kids in the car for a few seconds if I park right in front of the door, and then run in, grab my drug, and be on my way to a better mood!" Very tempting. I just might do it. I mean, the fact that I am trying to lose weight and will have to work out tonight for an hour just to burn off HALF of that drink is a small matter compared to the option of being in a good mood and not being so irritable. I rationalized to myself that maybe this is why mommies are so often "fluffy"...because we NEEEEEED these little pick-me-up's in order to maintain sanity. I'm thinking, "You know, I'll just try to lose this weight when my kids are older...when they're not so trying and when I won't NEED caffeine so badly." Sigh. What's the answer? I don't know. But I'll be honest...I'm headed to the coffee shop!

Here We Go!

2007-09-26T07:03:00.000-07:00

Well, today is my second day of being thirty. So far, so good! Yesterday was a great day - my mom watched the kids all afternoon, so I got to laze around town - I read a whole book in Barnes and Noble...without purchasing it! Ah, the life! And my sweet sister had all of her friends e-mail me birthday wishes, which was awesome.

But now...back to the mommyhood stuff. I've noticed that my kids seem to sense when I am distracted and when there's stuff that I'm trying to do or would rather be doing (instead of focusing 100% on them). When this happens, they start getting out of control and acting out, like they're trying to take advantage of the fact that I am not 100% there at the moment. I am pretty confident that they do this on purpose. Now, if I were to really analyze it, it may be because they need attention, or because they need to be disciplined in order to feel safe. Maybe my distraction makes them insecure, or something. But regardless, it's frustrating. We have reached that point today...the past week and a half has been filled with all kinds of fun stuff, and now, the natives are restless! Seriously, it's like we can't have TOO much fun, or it makes them rotten! They forget their manners, they get lazy, they start breaking rules...rules that have been in existence for a loooong time...and their attitudes get really stinky. SOOO...after all the birthday celebrations (my son's birthday was last week), I've got to bring in some military discipline and structure to get things back to normal. Have I mentioned that I'm not good at this? But, ay ay Captain - here we go. Let's get this decade started!

She's...Back

2007-09-20T17:47:00.001-07:00

I'm sitting at the computer screen trying not to listen to my 5 month old screaming her head off in her infant seat. Poor baby, but at this point, there's nothing else I can do for her. She is so tired - she has to fall asleep! I just came from our weekly lifegroup meeting, where I led a discussion on the first two commandments and how sometimes, we can keep commandment #1 (worship the Lord your God and serve Him only) while violating #2 (don't set up for yourself an image - don't worship idols)...and here I am, ready to call it a day, ready to be done with my parenting responsibilities, and totally indulging myself (to decompress and pamper myself) with Ben & Jerry's Coffee Heath Bar Crunch. That's right...sigh. I love the nighttime - the time when Erin The Mommy disappears and Erin The Woman gets to come out. Don't get me wrong - I really have been having a good time with my kids. In fact, the other day, I was like "WELL, I just don't even have anything to post on my blog these days because things are going so well and I am so on top of things!" AND...here I am. Back to being desperate and needy.

It's Raw, Alright

2007-09-13T12:50:00.000-07:00

Confession #1: On Saturday, my husband was working all day, so I, ready to leave the confines of the home, loaded the kids into the van and headed out on to the open road. "Ah, the open road!", I said to my self. Clearly, I had grand expectations for a relaxing and contemplative drive. HELLOOOOOO...reality: I have four kids under the age of 6. Actually, all four kids weren't the issue - the main important fact that I forgot was that I have two-year-old. A very loud one. Who sits right behind me. Yes, I must be insane to think that I could do this with my two-year-old in tow. You know, I forget these things momentarily. I have these memory lapses where I think, "Oh, yes, what a great idea!" Stupid, stupid, stupid. Oh, we took our drive. But by the time we were 30 minutes into it and headed off to a nearby small town, I was honestly thinking if there were a safe way to deposit my toddler somewhere and come back for her later. No, I'm not kidding. She was screaming in my ear and I totally lost it. I'm seriously concerned that I, at age almost-30, am suffering from hearing loss due to the deafening, protesting shrieks that often occur right next to my ears. You know, if you're going to have hearing loss, make it worth something: get it from going to concerts, or playing in a band, or whatever. Not from a two-year-old - those memories aren't something I'm going to look back on and go "Yeah, I can't hear that well anymore, but, dude, we had some rockin' good times!"
Anyways, I'm having these thoughts of "Is there a safe way to park her somewhere in a field and come back for her later" - you know, the things you would never, ever do, but try to rationalize that someone should invent something to make this a viable option - and my other kids are concerned at this point b/c Mommy is obviously about to crack. As I explain to them very exasperatingly that it's not really anyone's fault that I'm angry, I calm down, realizing that although my screaming toddler is hard to handle sometimes, that she is, after all, only 2, and she doesn't have the maturity to make herself act differently. And basically, it all comes down to the fact that it was Mommy's fault for coming up with an idea that wasn't realistic. This little realization is something I clue into occasionally when I notice that I'm really angry or cranky and I'm not sure why. What were my goals?: Go on a little drive on a beautiful, sunny day, and give myself time to sort out some things that I was mulling over. But I woke up to the cold, hard blow of reality and remembered that it wasn't just me in the car that day. Oh, sure, they'll be times when it's just me...but this time, it just wasn't going to happen.
So, all that said, and there's really no conclusion - it's just part of raw mommyhood! I try to remember to ask myself "What are your goals?" whenever I'm frustrated at something that's not happening like I wanted. And the answer? If you've got four young children...I'm pretty sure you're gonna have to change your goals!
Confession #2: My 6-year-old daughter is a perfectionist. She's very thorough and particular about things, which is pretty much opposite of me. Last night, we were going out to eat, so she put on this pretty little dress and some clips to put on the sides of her head to accent her ponytail. She was very adamant that I put her hair in the ponytail (instead of her doing it for herself), so I distractedly started brushing her hair with my hands and preparing the requested hairstyle. Now, we're standing in front of the mirror, and from the 3.5 feet tall angle, it looked pretty good. She smiles at me and says, "Mommy, I like it better when you do my hair, because when I do it, it always has lots of bumps in it." I look down at the top of her head from my 5.5 feet view and see all kinds of lumps and bumps. I paused for a minute, knowing that if she could see them, she would not be satisfied and want me to redo it...and considered whether or not it was wrong to not tell her that the hairstyle indeed had plenty of bumps. I'd like to say that I took the high road and confessed to her, but, instead, I complimented her on how pretty she looked and prodded the kids out the door. I do feel a little guilty about this, but, hey - from the head-on view, she did look great!

In Him We Live

2007-09-06T13:38:00.000-07:00

So this is me and my hunky husband. He's probably protesting the picture as I pose behind him with my eyes almost squinted shut. Sigh. Anyhoo, this is us, and I think we look kind of young, don't we? I mean...do we REALLY look like we're at the beginning of our thirties?
Is it too obvious that I haven't quite grasped how old I've become? I know my previous blog was about embracing this new period in my life, but as I found this picture, I was like, "Come on - REALLY?! Thirty?!". Well, regardless, that's how it is. Life goes on.

On another note, I was greatly encouraged this morning as I lamented not getting my quiet time before having to face the kids. Usually, I'm quite the cranky mommy unless I get some time to myself before starting our day together. However, I did get a few minutes to read some before heading to the kitchen to fix breakfast, and I read the verse "For it is in Him that we live and move and have our very being." (Acts 17:28). And I thought, "YES! That's it - my 'very being' is in Him, even when I don't get the time I want or need with Him in the mornings, even when my days are too full of running errands, homeschooling, etc. I can rest - and I can celebrate - because the only way I exist is that His breath of life is in me. How intimate is that?! The very breath I breathe - that comes through my nostrils - is His. It's proof of Him. It's Him, the very essence of Life, so intimately involved in every aspect of my BEING. I can worship Him as I simply live my life, because it's in Him that I live, move, and "am". Amen and amen.

The Woman In Me

2007-09-04T12:42:00.000-07:00

I am going to be 30 in a few weeks. I'm trying to wrap my mind around that. My twenties have brought so many experiences and adventures, and I feel like I've been so many different women during this last decade. Somehow, I morphed (although I doubt I did it gracefully) into the woman I am today. It's so strange to even call myself a "woman." The term "girl" seems like a better fit. Yet here I am, staring into the sunset of my twenties, of my youth. Interestingly, as this decade in my life draws to a close, I am, in some ways, returning to the girl I was when I first entered it. The realities of life that I have encountered have brought a touch of cynicism and bitterness to my soul, and I find myself yearning for the simplicity and abandon that I knew in my youth. Specifically, I long for a return to the girl I was when I could write poetry without being critical - where I could sit down at the piano and plunk out a song so that my soul could sing, where I wasn't paralyzed by knowledge and comparison. Oh, to go back! To go back.

Perhaps, now, I will be able to once again embrace those emotions that led me to write, to create, and pour into my art the lessons I've learned since that time. Perhaps now, my musings will be wiser and stronger - better able to withstand any blows of criticism that would try to beat me down.

I'm still getting to know this woman inside of me. I knew her as a girl, and I'm not quite sure who she is these days. I once heard that your twenties are for finding out who you are. Well...I'm not so sure I've discovered that yet, but I at least have this advantage: I made it. I made it through!

I have three daughters (and one son) of my own now. Surely I owe it to them to figure out this thing called "womanhood." As I write this, hope rises within me. I love change - I really do - I love the start of an adventure. I pray that this next decade will be full - full of love, full of life. Full of Love, full of Life. Full of You, Jesus.

AM I alone in this???

2007-08-30T13:01:00.001-07:00

So here we go...does anyone else out there ever have days where they don't like their kids? (There...I said it. And I said it for all the world to hear! But don't tell my kids...) I mean, of course I love them, and most of the time, I like them, but sometimes, I just don't. Poor things - it's not their fault, really. I mean, we were all annoying when we were little, I'm sure. But sometimes, when I wake up in the morning and hear them fighting down the hall, I pull the covers over my head and wish really hard that I were somewhere else. Like in Europe at a sidewalk cafe drinking coffee, or at some university learning Russian, or even just in another bed where I could lay in bed as long as I wanted to and not have to face rising bloodpressure at 7:45 in the morning.

Yesterday, the kids woke me up by tattling on each other, and then, since I was now awake, promptly started bugging me to make breakfast. We spent the first 3 hours or so of the morning in the house, and my foul mood hadn't changed any, so we headed to a park for some relief. When we got there, we ate some sandwiches I had packed, and I literally looked across the table at my son, who was drinking ALL the water in the water bottle that all 5 of us were supposed to share, and thought "No, thanks." I honestly thought that! And it wasn't "No, thanks, I don't want any water", but it was "No, thanks, I'd really rather not do this mommy thing anymore." Isn't that horrible? I shooed them off to go romp around on the playground, and, with 15 feet of mulch between us, finally started feeling fondly about them again. When I have these feelings, I realize how devastated I would be without each of them, and I try to remember how blessed I am to have these wonderful lives as a part of mine. I have friends who don't have children yet because of reproductive issues and who desperately long for kids, and I try to shame myself into being thankful instead of cranky. But I feel like each place has its valid feelings. Meaning, my friends without kids, their feelings of longing and loneliness are valid, just as valid as my feelings of irritation at the kids I am blessed to have. So, that said, I don't think we should feel condemned for these fluctuating feelings towards our kids. I think we just need to have time to pour our hearts out to God, the Ultimate Parent, who can then change our hearts and give us HIS perspective on our kids. That certainly helps.

Anyhoo, maybe I'm the only one who has felt like this, but I thought I'd put it out there.